Confronting an Ex

Hello folks. I have an issue I'm struggling to come to terms with and I don't really have anyone to discuss this with so I'm turning to you all for your insights. I'll try to be brief.

I had my first gay "relationship" with a guy a few years back. I say relationship loosely because he said we were just "hanging out" even though we were doing things that don't fall under the umbrella of "hanging out". (Yes, sexual contact was there). He initiated us dating, but when we went on our first official date, he was getting other guys' numbers. Soon after he said that we wouldn't work out, but we continued to hang out (no sex) for several months (during this time, more often than not, when we hung out I would buy dinner/drinks and he hardly offered to do the same). It was during this period that I discovered that he would use various internet sites for the sole purpose of hooking up, almost at a daily level. I confronted him about it with the evidence and he denied it. He came up with a story of how he and a friend conspired for me to discover what he was doing so that I would realize we wouldn't work out at all. Well, I (foolishly?) gave him a second chance to be honest with me about it. I even got him books on the subject and community resources for counseling. He claimed he understood where I was coming from and said he was over that behavior. I told him just be honest with me and that we can work on getting him whatever help he needed. Well, I discovered soon after he was repeating his behavior. It was at that point I told him we couldn't work out, friends or otherwise, not because I didn't care about him, but because I couldn't trust him to be honest with me and trust is essential with any type of relationship.

It has been over 2 years since that happened. I even went through my own weekly therapy sessions these past 2 years to understand my own responsibilities in how things went down between us.

Over the last year, he's been trying to contact me sporadically and each time he said he was interesting in meeting up and talking about what happened between us. Problem is that each time a date was set he would flake out. Well, now we're set to meet tomorrow (with the closest confirmation about it really happening since when we were still good) and I'm conflicted about what to say.

On one hand, I'm forgiving over what happened between us. I can forgive him for his part to a degree; he's young and had a difficult life growing up where emotional intimacy and support was lacking. At one point, he told me that I was too good for him and that he didn't know how to handle the love and affection I had for him. And I honestly wish him well and all the best in life, particularly because I deeply understand how it feels when you don't feel unconditional love from those who should really give it to you and how isolating that is.

On the other hand, I'm deeply hurt and resentful towards him. He made me feel like a fool, naive for being so accommodating to his needs at the expense of mine. I am, presently, at the point where I am terrified of dating anyone in fear of being placed in such a vulnerable position again. I didn't really have the best self-esteem when we first started dating and things were going amazingly well, and I feel that experience cemented my lack of confidence in maintaining a relationship.

I completely understand that it is not my responsibility for his issues. I understand that at its worse ours was a codependent relationship. I believe I'm past that now thanks to my examining my responsibilities in that relationship via therapy.

Where I have the most difficulty is in forgiving myself. I know cognitively, in my head, that I was making the best decisions with what I knew and what I believed then. I never had malintent in my heart to hurt anyone and was very conscientious of that. By that same token, even after having processed that, in my heart I have a hard time reconciling my lessons learned with whether my heart will allow that to happen again.

I am not interested in a friendship with him, but not opposed to it either. I really want to explain to him that I care about him but that I am not sure if I can ever trust him again. I would also like a real apology from him, but not counting on it. It would be nice for him to acknowledge his responsibility in making me feel the resentment that I have.

I believe he wants to meet to rekindle a friendship. I want to meet him to firmly say no to that. If a friendship looms in our future, it won't be for a real long time and only unless he can demonstrate to me the same level of respect and compassion I've shown him.

It's complicated. I believe I've grown a lot stronger since then, but I suppose I'm also afraid that meeting him tomorrow to talk will be a test that will not be as prepared for as I thought I'd be.

So those of you still reading (thank you), I guess my dilemma is how do I get closure on this? How can I move on? Is even talking to him a good idea? I want to be in a place where I can forgive him, we can be good with each other (but not necessarily friends or more than friends), and I can believe that I am good enough to be in a relationship with. It's just so hard! =/

 

And here I was thinking nobody cared.

Seriously though, I think I scared people off from reading the post because of its length. That or because I didn't introduce myself formally, but I just had to get this off my chest as I was ready to burst! But thank you for replying.

It went surprisingly well! Long story short, he acknowledged how he hurt me, didn't show me respect in the matter that was befitting out relationship, and how the last 2 years (especially the last few months) have given him an opportunity to reflect on his choices (including fueling a developing sexual addiction). Recently he was the victim of a hate crime along with his current boyfriend and that seemed to trigger in him to seek me out and apologize.

I stuck to my guns and let him know that I was not interested in a friendship and how we were never really friends to begin with. However, I did also share with him that my concern and compassion for him never waned and that although I was not interested in a friendship due to lack of trust, I would be open to the possibility only if he was interested and chose to work at rebuilding trust--very slowly.

I feel a huge weight lifted off me. Not only do I no longer cringe at the thought/sight of him, but I also feel I can really now move on. I know one does not need the person who has wronged you to find closure--I know I would have arrived at one with time--but to have it with him face-to-face is immensely powerful and validating. All I wanted was to be recognized I suppose.

Surely I still have issues to work through (the idea of dating still intimidates me, albeit no longer the impossibility I once believed), but for now I can say I am very satisfied with the outcome. I can only wish that we all can at least once experience such a powerful feeling of closure as I feel I was lucky to have.

 

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and feedback. It's very much appreciated.

Chip, I actually have gone to see a therapist for a little over 2 years starting just before I sent him off his way from my life. It was very cathartic and I learned a lot. I do, however, wish to continue to see a therapist to continue to process my issues, but alas it's difficult to find those that work on a reasonable sliding scale (I only stopped seeing mine because it was at a community clinic and she had to leave for an internship across the country).

Thank you for sharing the TED videos; I'm actually a BIG fan of TED talks, Brene Brown included.