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Any near 30's questioning/confused/struggling?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by stilllovelyafte, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. stilllovelyafte

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    I am new to EC, and I am hoping to connect with some similarly situated individuals. I'm approaching 30 years of age, in a long term straight relationship, and I am finally - after many years of just putting one foot in front of the other - beginning to look at the thoughts and feelings that I've been trying to avoid for so long.

    I have so many questions:

    How do I start to explore what I've suppressed for so long? Even something as basic as fantasizing about being with a man seems daunting to me. I'm still not comfortable sharing these thoughts with anyone but my therapist.

    What are some other steps I can take to help explore my thoughts, build inner strength, gain greater clarity on some of my questions surrounding sexuality? Any book recommendations? Websites? Support groups?

    What is the "right" thing to do vis-a-vis my girlfriend? I generally believe honesty is the right policy, but I'm still having trouble being honest with myself here! I'd feel incredibly vulnerable sharing my confusion.

    Finally, how did you (or are you) deal (dealing) with the guilt, shame, etc.?

    It would be amazing to connect with a user grappling with similar issues, so we could provide each other support encouragement as we take these steps.

    ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2011 at 09:19 PM ----------

    as a brief follow up, age doesn't really matter here. i'm just trying to hit on the fact that i'm a bit of a "late bloomer" and eager to hear from people who have or are dealing with the complexity of leaving a relationship, spouse, family.
     
  2. frogman

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    hi

    it's not that unusual to realise your sexuality late on. i came out when i was 29, and up to that point had been (happily) in a series of straight relationships. it wasn't until i moved to a new town and met a guy that i realised how different and how much better it felt being with someone of the same sex. i had had my doubts over the years but had put it down to being bisexual and kept it at the back of my mind.

    if you want to start exploring, you could start by just being around gay people - spend time in a gay bar for example. the first few times i went to a gay bar i was transfixed when i saw two guys kissing, it was all i could do not to stare at them. start with thinking about it in your head and you will get used to it. maybe watch some gay movies to start to 'normalise' it for yourself, and you will realise that it is an entirely natural way to be, and it is an essential part of existence for millions of people around the world.

    i'm not sure what support groups exist where you live but you could try googling for GLBT and your local area. i tried to read book after book but the thing that really helped was just spending time with gay people.

    There were two turning points for me: the first was when i first wrote a post on this website two years ago or longer "I am gay". i hadn't expected those words to come out and when i saw them there with the cursor flashing on my computer screen i was stunned. The second and most important was the first time i told someone. i told a very good female friend of mine. it felt so good to share the secret and she helped me through the coming out phase just by being someone i could talk to and trust.

    I was not going out with anyone from a straight relationship at the time so i don't have any advice about how to deal with that, but i do know several people who were. it is not at all easy and your partner will likely feel very upset, but not as upset as if she caught you doing something that revealed this, and you hadn't told her. you owe her some trust and to be honest with her. i have no doubt you will feel vulnerable sharing your confusion, can't say anything other than that i think you just have to steel yourself and put yourself in her hands. she will likely be upset at first but over time she will respect the fact that you were brave and trusting enough to put yourself in that position.

    don't feel guilty or shameful. you were made with way and whether you like it or not, there is nothing you can do about it. its like having red hair or being left handed. guilt and shame should not enter the equation.

    BTW i'm 33 now and i regard coming out as one of the best things that has happened to me, it changed my life in so many more ways that i didn't expect, not least in feeling much more comfortable in my own skin, much more confident and much more in control of my life.

    you have made a big step by coming on here and posting - you are further progressed down this path than you were a few months ago - and there is a long way to go if you want to share your feelings with your partner but there are many people who have taken that journey too. some remained with their partners, some remained with their partners for a while and then eased away, and some broke up.

    you only have one life and you have to live it for yourself not others, not matter how much you love them, you would expect them to do the same.

    not sure anything i have said is useful or not but all i can say is i am pleased i came out, however late, and pleased that even if i came out at 29, at least it wasn't 39, and so on. i wish i had come out earlier but you can only change the things you can control now.
     
  3. Lexington

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    I came out a bit later than normal - early 20s. No major story behind it. I was just a bit slow on the uptake. :slight_smile:

    What can you do? I usually suggest something fairly simple - try it on. Try being gay for a couple days. You don't have to tell anybody what you're doing, or change anything on the exterior, or alter your behavior at all. But just assume you're gay, and spend a couple days "being gay".

    * Look in the mirror in the morning and say "I'm gay". Try to make it sound less like an admission, and more of a simply fact (like "I'm male" or "I'm in my thirties").

    * Feel free to "think gay thoughts". Whatever those might be. If you see an attractive guy while you're out and about, killer - enjoy the view. :slight_smile: If you start fantasizing about a date or sexual encounter, feel free to enjoy the fantasy.

    * When you masturbate, take your inhibitions off with your clothes. If you look at gay porn, don't peek at it out of the corner of your eyes - drink it in. If you fantasize while you masturbate, don't tentatively think "well, I guess a guy like that might be kinda hot" - no, go whole hog into it. Imagine whatever guy you want, and imagine doing whatever you want to him (or him doing whatever you want to you). And when you finish, don't instantly retreat. Lay or sit there for awhile, no matter how sticky you are. Enjoy the afterglow. Think about how much ass that kicked, because it did. :slight_smile:

    Also, as the frogman said, do start interacting more with gay guys. Here is fine, but in person is even better. It both reinforces the "gay is OK" mindset, and can help clear away any misconceptions you might have laying around.

    As to your girlfriend? My general belief is that once you know the relationship isn't going to go anywhere, it's best to end it. You don't have to tell her why just yet if you'd rather not. But it's best to free her up so she can resume her search for somebody she CAN be in a LTR with.

    Lex
     
  4. stilllovelyafte

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    Many thanks to both of you.

    It's helpful to hear the stories of people on this site who came to ther realizations a bit later in life. Before seeking out resources such as this site, I couldn't help but feel like I was a bit of an anachronism. Sure, it tooks people longer back in the day - the stigma, AIDs. I grew up in the generation of Will & Grace! Universities with gay straight alliances! There were various chances for me to get off the bus, but I refused to do so.

    I think the relationship is a major complicating factor. In addition to whatever negative ideas of homosexuality that I may have internalized, having a loving girlfriend has added heaps of guilt and sadness.

    Lex, I am going to work on what you've said. Try and check my inhibitions at the door a bit. Sadly, I'm not quite at the point of going to a gay bar. I feel too dishonest within the confines of the relationship. We've spoken about taking time apart, which might help free me up from the guilt, etc. For now though, I feel like I need to keep thngs semi-anonymous! Damn you morals! Strange the line I draw here - wrong, unethical to explore these thoughts while we're together BUT less wrong to bottle all of this up and keep my thoughts from someone I love...

    Anyway, thanks again!
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Hi there. No magic bullet here for sure, but I was someone who didn't finally recognize and accept I was gay until I was in my mid 30s. And by that point I'd been married for 9 years and had 2 kids. So deal with it before your life becomes more complicated.

    You don't need to visit gay bars. I'd recommend just hanging out here for a while. And keep talking about this with your therapist. The more you can talk about it out loud, the easier it is to conceptualize.

    I'd also say stick to those morals too. Don't cheat on your girlfriend - because it isn't necessary. You know you're gay. Work through that and get comfortable with it, deal with your current relationship, and only then should you contemplate a new relationship with a man. That way you can feel really good about it when it finally does happen.
     
  6. maverick

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    Well I didn't come out until I was 25, if that makes you feel any better. :slight_smile:

    I think you should check out your local LGBT support groups. I think it would help you immensely to meet other gay men and see that there really is no difference between them and straight men other than the gender they prefer to sleep with.

    I'm sure some gay guys will come on here with better book recommendations catering specifically to your needs, but as far as building inner strength and just generally gaining clarity, I recommend The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy and Liberation by Thich Nhat Nanh. (Don't worry, you don't have to be Buddhist to get a lot of deep insight from this book.) It just helps you understand the world better and be more at peace with your self - or lack thereof. :slight_smile:

    I think your girlfriend deserves to know the truth, I think the right thing for you to do is break up with her and pursue gay relationships (not necessarily RIGHT THIS SECOND, but in the near future). And I know it's a vulnerable thing to share, but I'm assuming you've slept naked alongside this woman in the past...how much more vulnerable can you get?

    Well, I'm still dealing with guilt and shame a year after coming out, because I was raised in a very homophobic part of the country and in a homophobic religion. I left my religion ten years ago (for Buddhism, incidentally) but I still live in the same homophobic area, so I still have to be vigilant against hate crimes and harassment because I'm overtly queer (I'm assuming you're not at all, since you're in a straight relationship).

    However, I will say that the more open you are about your sexuality with others, the more assertive and self-confident you will become, because you will no longer be lying about who you truly are.
     
    #6 maverick, Sep 29, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2011
  7. Nollaig20

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    Hey,

    Welcome, firstly I'd like to say that I'm pretty much in the same situation as you. I only recently started acknowleding these feelings that I've held back my entire life. It was getting worse and worse to the actual point where I was literally really unhappy. At the moment I'm still there slightly, but I'm trying my best to focus on other things. After a lot of talking on this site and once so far with a counsellor, its has helped alot. How do you get past the self hatred/guilt? Hmmm I'm still quite there, but I'll share what I think might help, is being honest, maybe talking to your therpist the best way of going about things. If you've been with-holding these feelings and have only started letting them come to the surface, things are going to get worse before they get better. I think the big thing that we all must do, is talk about our feelings, and inside knowing that its okay to do that. It's okay to be attracted to guys right? You don't see a problem with it, neither do I. But I think the big problem is, we don't want to be that person that likes other guys, its a normal every day thing but even at that, we still don't want to be portrayed in that light.

    I know its hard, it must be even worse considering that your nearly ten years older than me. It's so daunting and distressing but I just keep trying to look on the bright side, I'm seeing a counsellor on monday, so in that sense it might help. I know what its like, I'm stil where you are, your not a lone, and I wish you all the luck in the world. Just remember your not a lone and there's loads of people out there waiting to accept you as already are just with the minor detail that you are attracted to guys. :icon_bigg Keep smiling and chin up my friend. :grin:

    -- Aiden
     
  8. stilllovelyafte

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    Thanks guys. Very helpful posts. I'm going to try and follow some of your advice. It's hard to find additional steps to take before I allow myself to leave the anonymous realm. Same with meeting gay people. I have a bunch of gay friends - but they are all, unfortunately, connected to my girlfriend in one way or another.

    As for guilt and shame - I think these feelings are largely tied to acting dishoneslty vis-a-vis my girlfriend. It's a sucky thing to do to someone else. As hard as I try and compensate for it by being a good person, being helpful and charitable with others, there is nothing I can do to overcome the knowledge, deep in my heart, that I am acting dishonorably to someone who loves me. That being said, I have so many questions and so few answers, that I don't feel empowered to take the honorable step. I feel like I'm turning into a broken record with these expressions of guilt, but I can't help but think it is so central to me being stuck.

    Aiden, I feel for you. Fortunately, you're taking some positive steps, and you're still so young! You really seem like you've come a long way in terms of accepting yourself. I think with some help from your counselor, there is still some hope for you yet! jk :slight_smile:

    Leave it to Lex to provide the more...graphic...suggestions :slight_smile:. One question, which I am slightly (ok, much more than slightly) embarassed to ask. So I've watched one adult movie featuring men in my life, and it was...too advanced for me... to say the least. Any advice on where I can find something more on the softer side of things? I just want to expose myself a bit to watching two men together, opening up my mind a bit, without taking on more than I am ready for in the process.
     
  9. tocotronic

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    Yeah, I find myself agreeing with Lex on a few points.

    It's hard to say though, I went through this last year at 26. For getting used to the idea of being gay perhaps it'd be cool to find some role model. Someone that you could relate to and who is confident about his sexuality.

    Also open yourself up to the idea of spending your life with another guy and how awesome it could be. All the qualities of your best bud, you play video games together, get drunk together, horseplay, and spend your life with him. A little easier said than done though, I'm still on the look out for this guy myself.

    Funny that Lex says drink it in in the same paragraph about jerking off. But yeah this will seem a bit much, but let yourself get turned on by the smell of sweat on a guy. Rub your balls and then sniff your fingers, see what that does.

    Maybe think of your type of guy too. I've found over the last year I've opened up myself to finding more and more men attractive. Back in my so called straight days, perhaps 1/20 men would catch my eye, now it's like 1/5, even more on a university campus. I've discovered I'm kind of an Otter myself, and into other Otters and slightly Bear like men. Google that and go from there.

    I don't think we can recommend actual porn sites here, but google does the trick. But for me, sometimes the best part of porn is the start. Two fully clothed men just sitting on a sofa, one puts his hand on the other's knee, gives him a look and they slowly start kissing. Maybe just focus on getting that far. After all when I first accepted I was gay, I couldn't even imagine kissing another dude, now it's all I think about.
     
  10. stilllovelyafte

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    Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't mean to solicit recommendations like that - I'm fairly clueless on this stuff and new to EC. I'm going to google otters once I'm on a non-work computer. Man, I have a lot to learn.

    Did you find role models to help you through the process? Did you explore prior to coming out? How has life been since coming out? Have you been dating?
     
  11. Jim1454

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    Was this directed at anyone in particular?

    I didn't have any role models unfortunately, and I did all sorts of things that I'm not proud of. Including 'exploring' while still married.

    Since coming out life has been on a continual rise. And as for dating, I'm now married to a great guy. So there is life after leaving the closet - even for those who are more 'mature'.
     
  12. stilllovelyafte

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    Thanks Jim! Mainly a general question, though, also directed at Tocotronic since I think he mentioned the idea of a role model.
     
  13. redstormrising

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    i am 30 and going through this as well. besides coming here, i also started going to PFLAG meetings, made some friends through there. helps to remind me that there's nothing wrong with me. about a month ago i signed up for an online dating site, and i felt kind of weird about that at first, but i am pretty ok with it now. haven't actually gone on a date yet, but i am talking to someone and seems like it's headed in that direction :slight_smile:
     
  14. tocotronic

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    Yeah, to answer your question about a role model, it's hard to meet one in person. For me I looked to a few gay celebrities that I respected. The comedian Stephen Fry comes to mind, I kind of looked up to him ( even though he had his own issues with coming out ). It's definitely a hard process to go through, but focusing on the confident gay men can really help.

    Yeah, you've got a lot to learn, but you'll learn quickly. I know I have, and I have so much further to go. It's still new to me even after a year. I'm a lot more confident about it now, but I still find myself wondering when it will feel normal. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how I'm gay and what it means.

    Like redstorm I totally felt weird about signing up for online dating but it might not hurt to browse. I wouldn't dive into it especially when you're coming to terms with it though.

    I didn't explore before coming out to myself, well I explored the feelings but not actually getting with a guy. I knew I was gay before I even kissed a dude. I haven't really done any sort of gay events either. This was the first summer I've called myself gay and didn't do one pride event. I've been dragged to a gay bar by a friend and didn't care for it. However I do want to check out the next local "Bearracuda" event, maybe I'll have to courage to go.
     
  15. commandZ

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    I can identify pretty strongly with your situation. I'm coming up on a one year anniversary with my girlfriend and I feel terribly guilty. Not because I'm coming to terms with being gay but because I love her dearly and I know that it's going to put her through hell when I do tell her. We've talked about having kids and buying a house, all things that I wish I could have with her but I know deep down I cannot. I left my last long term girlfriend because I was feeling this way towards men and I did a bit of dating men and identifying as gay before I met my current girlfriend but I told myself when I met her that I could will myself straight. Like if my head is in the game and I 'decide' to be with her then I will be happy. Not so.

    My advice: you need to break up with her but like Lex said you don't have to tell her why if you don't want to. And take your time. You don't need to start dating right away, as corny as it sounds you need to find yourself, be introspective. Be fair to yourself and others. Don't be like me and jump into another relationship with a girl because it's the 'easy' thing to do. Coming out once is hard enough you don't want to go through it again.

    Kreeg.
     
  16. malachite

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    I was about 26 when I just started accepting who I was, and I think 28 before I really started coming out, so I know what it’s like to be at that "adult" age and still feel like you don't have anything figured out. This site helped me A LOT.

    I wish I had some magic advice or clever words to make think everything will be ok, but what I CAN give you some advice based on what I went through.

    First off you need to square things away internally before worrying about the rest of the world (trust me it’ll still be there when you get back to it).
    Here is what I’ve got:
    1. Stop worrying that it took you this long to come out to yourself, there is no time clock on these things, that’s bull put in your head by social dogma. The point is you got here. The journey is NOT the destination.
    2. Like I said you need to figure out YOU before tackling the rest of the world and how it’ll view you. Admitting your gay is a great start, but don’t get too freaked out that you still feel weird; this is all still new to you.
    3. Change happens gradually; if it happened over night we’d never be able to keep up, so don’t feel you gotta rush into anything. Remember time is a concept created by people to serve people, so don’t let time be your master. Don’t try to do everything in one grand gesture.
    4. So, where do you start? At the beginning of course! The phrase: first thing is first is really great advice. How do you start fantasizing about guys? Well, print some pics of guy you find attractive or you can try watching porn, it’s a unique journey, so what works for someone else might not work for you. You can even try just thinking about guys while you masturbate.
    5. Inner strength: this one is a toughie. We have so much negativity toward us that it’s easy to buy into believing that something is wrong with us, tell a lie long enough and eventually people will start to believe it, sad but true. Self-esteem is something you build for you, no one else can really do it for you. We can support you here, and your friends can support you as well, but overall the inner conflict is something only you can conquer. What you NEED to know is that being gay is NOT something we choose, there is NOTHING wrong with it, no more than being born with a certain eye color.

    That’s about all I got, but I can also tell you that when I came out I was really insecure about it, but today I take on the bigots who come after with their verbal gunfire (I even cracked a guy across the jaw who call me a faggot once). You’ll get there.


    Good luck out there:thumbsup:
     
  17. stilllovelyafte

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    Man, awesome advice, thanks! Pretty wise for someone our age. Not that your steps are necessarily a checklist, but they really give me some great ideas on how to approach this situation.

    In response to 1, this site has been great for helping me put that in perspective. I keep seeing kids coming out younger and younger and with more self assurance and boldness, and I get caught on the idea that I am late in the game. Having read some of the posts on this site, I now know what I suspected and hoped before - I am far from alone on this journey.

    In response to 2, I see a common theme in many of the posts I've read on EC that prior to coming out, many posters felt a need to focus more on the needs of others, make nice to those around them, avoid making waves. Sort of caretaking behavior. I think it's going to be challenging for me to focus on myself, but I think in the end doing so will be better for those around me.

    Anyway, so glad to hear how far you've come.

    Down the road, I hope you don't mind if I reach out to you via PM for more advice.
     
  18. stilllovelyafte

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    @Commandz:

    I feel for your situation. Sounds like you are of the mindset that you will tell her though. Any idea when you plan on doing so? The idea of telling my girlfriend has been completely off the table for me for a long time now. Based on the advice of the posters here and some light suggestion from my therapist, I am slowly beginning to consider the possibility of telling her the truth. I'm still heavily leaning against it, but I'm going to try and bolster the possibility of honesty in my mind, and see if I can get myself to do it.

    Interesting that you jumped back into another relationship. In my case, I always envisioned the scenario where I'd jump back into my current relationship out of fear of being alone, confronting my sexuality combined with an inability to tolerate the pain I'm causing her.

    Without going into too much detail - though I am happy to if it would be helpful, more to keep things succinct - I did not have much support growing up. She's really been the first person in my life to show me love and support. It's a pretty heady thing to be the most important person on the planet to someone else.

    To simultaneously (i) hurt this person and (ii) lose this person's love and support has just been too big of a mountain for me to climb - especially without greater clarity about what awaits me at the top. I know I don't have a choice - I've just sort of said to myself, not yet, you'll get there. This line of thinking has stretched on for years now.
     
  19. commandZ

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    You gotta love the irony: the one person you would really love to confide in is the one who will be most hurt by the information. That's where I'm at. I don't have much support either other than my girlfriend and ordinarily she'd be the first person I'd go to if I was having any sort of crisis of the heart or otherwise.

    I get the fear of being alone too but I'm beginning to see this situation as a double edged sword: if we break up I'll be alone, if we stay together I'll be alone. Neither situation is ideal. Granted but with the break up route things can only get better while staying together and living the lie just gets harder and the guilt gets worse or we become numb. I feel guilty every time she talks about our future together. Maybe you get that too, and the more I really think about it and start to come to terms with who I am the worse I feel about what I'm doing to her.

    Maybe the way to attain that greater clarity you just need to take a break. I'm not sure what your living situation is but I live with my girlfriend and it gets hard sometimes to be introspective. Take a vacation on your own , stay with a friend. enjoy the clarity of thought that being alone can bring. I'm laughing to myself as I write this because I realize that I'm half talking to you and half to myself!

    I've come so close so many times to telling her and like you I've been talking myself down on the daily but really and truly there is never a good time to hurt someone you love. The advice people have been giving me on here is for her sake the sooner the better.

    I'm happy to keep up the dialogue if you like. Our situations are similar and it's nice to have someone in the same boat to talk to.

    Good luck with everything.

    C.
     
  20. aportnoy

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    Hey stilllovelyafte,

    I'm glad you made this thread because I'm facing similar issues and what you wrote really hit home with me (also new to EC, so hey everyone!)

    I am 24, and have only recently realized for sure that I am gay - in fact it still seems weird to even type that. I tried for years to live a "normal life", stick with girlfriends etc, and with each of my relationships I've just never been able to feel truly happy.

    I don't have any sage advice, but if I were in your shoes, the only thing I would bear in mind is that your girlfriend will find out about the reason behind you leaving her eventually (if that is what you choose to do). The only question is whether she hears it from you up-front, or from someone else much further down the line.

    Really tough call, best of luck getting through this.