New and Need Help/Advice

Welcome to EC!

>>>I am a masculine guy who loves and plays sports. Most all of my close friends are straight guys that have no clue what I have been doing. I mean, I go on bachelor parties, fishing trips, concerts, football road trips, etc and I dont want to lose these friends.

If I tracked down your friends, and asked them "What do you like about jc?", what sorts of answers might I get?

"He's a lot of fun to be with."
"We have a lot in common."
"I can really be myself around him."

I'm guessing none of them will say "Because he's straight".

Good friendships can handle minor things like sexuality. And they ARE minor things, in the scheme of things. You presumably don't care what turns your friends on (although you might not want to hear about it in detail), and they presumably don't care what turns you on, either. It may be that your friends do some "fag" talk when they get together. If they do, then you just need to give them some time to adapt to the new paradigm - the one where they know you're gay.

How do you tell them? Depends on your comfort level. Some prefer to tell people individually, some in groups. Some would rather do it in person, others on the phone, others online. Whatever works for you. My only advice would be:

* Be clear and confident. You don't "think you might be gay". You're gay.
* Be upbeat. It seems the less a big deal WE make it, the less a big deal THEY make it.
* Be aware of your audience. If there are any specific and deliberate lies you told, feel free to recant them (and apologize for them). If there's something you think they'll have questions or an issue with, feel free to bring it up.

For your friends, for instance, you might do it this way the next time you get together. "I actually have some rather big news to announce. As you know, I'm usually the one guy who isn't ever dating anybody. Well, I finally feel comfortable saying I'm actually dating somebody now. And I don't know how much you've guessed over the years, but perhaps the biggest news is that the person I'm dating is named Kevin."

Doing it this way has a few points in its favor. One - it's clear and concise. Two - it sets the tone. You're letting them know the truth, in a friendly and factual way. And three - it adds a bit of levity at the end, to keep things from getting too "heavy".

Now, that way might feel completely wrong for your friend dynamic. If so, skip it. But there's usually a fairly good way to do it for all circumstances.

Lex

 

Welcome to EC! :smilewave

You have found a great place. Your situation is very similar to many members, including myself. You are fairly far along in the process. You can admit to yourself that you are gay and you have a bf.

I am masculine also. I love sports, work out and drink beer. You may want to talk with them about your fears you have on coming out. Also talk about your fears with your bf. It sounds like he wants to know your friends and family. Also hang around here for a bit. When you are ready to come out you will just know. I can not really explain it, but you will know.

As far as coming out, you may want to tell your family first before you talk to your friends, in case one of your friends spills the beans to you family. There are several ways you can come out, in person, email, letter or text. I came out to my parents with a letter. I gave it to them and was around when they read it. I came out to my brother by email and my sister on the phone. What ever you do good luck.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.

I was in my mid 30s before I finally accepted that I was gay. I'd been married to a woman for 9 years and had 2 kids, so talk about breaking out of a stereotypical hetero role. But in the end, nobody (and I mean NOBODY) thinks differently of me or behaves differently around me. My good friends, my sister, my parents, my extended family, my boss, my coworkers, my kids. Nobody. I'm still the SAME PERSON that I was before I told them I was gay. Only now I'm able to be completely honest with them, and I can talk about my husband (previously fiance, previously boyfriend) without hesitation.

Essentially, you come out when YOU are comfortable coming out - and you're to the point where you're comfortable with being gay, and can handle it if others do have a problem with it. We all fear the worst, but the reality is that most people aren't going to make a big deal of it at all. Everyone realizes that this is a big deal for us, and they don't usually find fault for us taking some time to figure this out ourselves before telling other people.

Good luck!

 

The fact that you have held this to yourself for so long may be part of the reason why this is a hard step for you. When you do come out to your family and friends, your relationship will change. You will be telling them a bit more about yourself and be introducing your bf to them. In the past has any of your family or friends made any anit gay comments? Even if they have as soon as you come out to them if they care about you these comments will stop.

 

Hi there. Granted I'm only 21 so I may not be able to relate to your situation completely, but there was a lot I related to. I was still questioning myself when I started dating my boy friend. Even though I've told my parents and most of my friends, he still hasn't met any of them and we've been going out over a year now. It tears me up because I went to all the emotional effort of telling them and yet still nothing has changed.

 

There will probably be a period of adjustment. Not of a "OMG! YER A HOMO!" sort, most likely. But just a time when they learn to adjust to this new bit of info. Imagine one of your perpetually single friends for a second. Then imagine he introduces you to his wife...of five years. You wouldn't ditch him, presumably, but there might be a period of time when you get used to Bob no longer being "unattached" and now being "happily married for some time".

Lex

 

All such great advice in this thread. I'm 27 and getting ready to tell friends...I've finally accepted it myself and after hanging out with some gay people I'm like...whoa there is really no question anymore. So I have to actually tell some people now. It ain't easy. I hate being a "boat rocker" and I want people to like me, so doing anything that risks their approval is difficult for me. But I have to do it...

 

it is better to be honest with yourself than to be dishonest with others.