Coming out at 20+, Miss out on high school mocking?

I'm just coming now now at 30 and I, for one, am glad I missed out on whatever would have happened had I come out in high school. (Which would have been impossible anyway since I had no idea back then . . . )

 

I just came out a few months ago (I'm 25 now) and think it would have been more difficult with ridicule had I come out in high school. BUT, being an outcast in junior high and high school I still got called derogatory names (e.g. queer, fag) even if I wasn't overtly the stereotypical gay guy. In high school people are cruel, insecure jerks even if they don't have any idea of what you are. They say negative comments towards peers in the attempt to draw attention away from their own idiosyncracies/flaws. People suck!

 

it depends on the way you see it really, bullying has many degrees to it, and its pretty much universal even when your not in high school.

there was a Q & A about teens in Australia who were out or outed during high school and some of them were happy and comfortable with where they were because they did not get ridiculed or bullied for being them.

I remember the host asking a question to one of the lesbian's who was 16 or 17 about whether she was an easy target to bullying, and her reply was that the student who were most confident about themselves where far less prone to torment and harassment than to those who were timid and trying to hide themselves.

the moral really was to be yourself and not be fake, because the teens were more interested in your personality and being a nice out going person rather than someone who was constantly trying to cover him/herself

 

When I was in high school I was still a) so far in denial that I'm amazed I got out and b) weird enough that I had other rumors spread about me... (the one about having my own cult was fun to play with. )

So, I had a weird high school experience.

 

Everyone feels comfortable coming out at different ages and there is definitely no rush or no right age to come out at. Everyone is different. I did come out during high school, very early high school, and I was teased about being gay throughout my first two years. I should have waited a while but I didn't think people could be so mean (yeah, I was young and naive). But back to your question, no, I don't think there's anything you miss out on by not coming out during your high school years.

 

I never had any slurs directed at me, in highschool (actually, I was rather popular). But I don't think that made a difference.

In fact, one of my friends was gaybashed (ironic, since he's as straight as you can get and just didn't look too straight in HS). At the time however, I didn't really make the distinction. They didn't aim it at me, but I knew that if they'd know I was gay, it would take them mere milliseconds to transfer their derision on to me. It really felt almost as if it was all aimed at me.

So I do feel that, even if I came out after college, I had already somewhat partaken in HS bullying. Not by being bullied directly, but the bullying that did go on, had the requisite effect on me. And I think it was a big factor in me only coming out way later (and I can imagine it's like that for others too: not being bullied directly, but still cowering in fear from the possibility of it).

So I wish I could have missed out on that :dry:

 

Didn't come out in high school precisely for that reason.

Don't particularly regret anything, as there were absolutely no gay people in that school.

 

I got bullied in high school for being nerd and weird (fortunately I barely knew that girls existed, let alone wonder about being gay/bi), and that sucked, a lot. So, even not being really out about anything, I guess I would never miss any kind of bullying.

A cult? :eek: :eek: :eek: You gotta tell me this history!

 

If you are in the closet, and intentionally hiding it, then I don't think there is any way to avoid or miss out on the mocking that comes with high school. It doesn't matter if you were the one being insulted or not. If you felt like you had to hide yourself for any reason then that alone is bullying.

Like Filip hinted at, even the things that people say around you seem like they are directed at you. You feel they are making fun of who you are. When your family or friends make fun of gay people it hurts because you know its about you even if its not said directly to you.

On another note, if any of my friends called someone fagg or used gay as a bad term I will definitely call them out on it. It’s ridiculous to think that you are "allowed" to use such strong words just because you are part of the community. Doesn't work that way.

 

I think we all go through some kind of toughening up no matter when and where we are or what we choose to do with our situations. I mean each person is generally built to live the life he/she lead. We make adjustments when we run into predicaments. At least, that's what I do.

I've never been called anything too serious. I've been asked if I was gay or bi...but that's mostly due to my girly looks. Once in middle school, a girl actually mistook me to be female. She stopped me when I was walking into the boys bathroom. I thought that was hilarious. I'm not harsh on the eyes and is genuinely nice so I was generally liked in school. My sensitivity sort of ruined it for me though...looking back if I was who I am now, high school would've been awesome.

Toughening comes in different ways for me. The realization of my orientation came around the same time as the news that someone very closed to me might be dying from a terminal illness. After, life went bleak for a few years and I became guarded. Last year I managed to put my guard down for a bit to test the water...I crushed bad. I thought having to juggle being gay and a dying loved one was bad, man was I wrong.

Before last year, I thought love was trivial. I never understood the meanings of all the sad love songs we all hear everyday. Now, I do...and they are sad...

 

I came out in college, so I guess I qualify. But it's not like I didn't get ridiculed or belittled in high school - I did. Occasionally by being called "faggot" or whatever, but it was mainly just generic teasing and belittling that most kids seem to get to some degree.

Lex

 

I was one of "the weird kids" who kept to himself and doodled constantly, and some of the doodles involved my own symbol substitution cypher... so one or two people thought that I was some sort of arcane prophet or something and that they'd hear from me in a decade surrounded by dead followers and an empty cooler of kool-aid.

 

I was just called a bitchy, frigid player because I would date guys but not do much with them as other girls would. The girls thought I was a bitch because I kept to myself a lot and they didn't understand me. It irritated the hell out of me that people would say that, but now looking back I kinda laugh.

Thank god I came out after highschool.

 

I came out in high school, I was never tortured by my classmates. I was aware that people made comments about it behind my back, but they never acted on it. I'm not sure why, because bullying was pretty prevalent in my school.

 

I haven't fully came out at school yet, prob will just do it by bringing a guy to the matric dance(Prom as hillbillies call it)
Its not that my school is homophobic, our head boy and deputy head boy are both gay and popular, but the problem is, I am already made fun of and so on because, well, I'm odd, I wore a dog color to school when we were allowed to wear normal clothes for the day, then i went punk for funday, and so on, so if I come out that would just be renewed ammunition,
but I still don't go too out of my way to hide it, I mean I go on public dates in places infested with people from my school, I won't be stupid about it, but I wont change my life for others, If they ask who I'm dating a tell them its a girl,
if they see me with him i will just deny it, rumors spring up all the time, no one will believe it.

I'm not losing out on anything, I still get bullied, but I am mostly okay with that, its just now its gotten worse again, but its from this guy in my class who I KNOW is one of those closeted dudes, like Dave from glee you know, exact same circumstance, he thinks I'm gay (just cause it happens to be true doesn't mean he has the right to believe it)

I have no idea what I am getting at here so I am hitting post now

 

I came out as bisexual my freshman year of high school and was ridiculed quite a bit. I then retracted my outing and said I was confused so as not to have to deal with it forever. (Mind you, I managed to convince myself that I WAS confused and that I really was straight.)

Now at almost 20 I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not straight. Although I am not "out" to many people, I feel like people I hang out with/work with/correspond with are more mature than high schoolers and will take it like I hope they do when that time comes.

So yes, I think that coming out after high school does lessen the blow and redirect you away from mucho ridicule. Because, you find out who your real friends are after HS anyways.