This may be kind of confusing, and therefore long. So bear with me, please? I have no idea on the planet what I should do anymore. About six or seven years ago, the thought struck me that I wasn't completely straight. After that long of thinking (until the present), I'm about 99% sure I'm a lesbian. But here's the problem. I grew up in Ohio, and I was the nerd that everyone hated in school. I didn't go out with anyone, or have a lot of friends. Other people would try to tease me and ask me who I had a crush on, and I couldn't honestly give them an answer. There were a few female teachers that I really, really, liked, but I thought nothing of it more than the fact that they were awesome. IIRC I didn't even go on a date until I was 18. If you can even call it that. I hung around with this guy for a few months; I mean, he was cool, but I could never bring myself to kiss him or anything. I just wasn't feeling it. Around the same time one of my friends asked me to move out to L.A. with her. I agreed, and that was the end of that. So I end up living in Hollywood for 2 months before I start talking to this waaay older guy; we had met on the Internet and he'd given me his number. I was actually in a homeless shelter, he started taking me out, yadda yadda yadda. Keep in mind that this was the first man who really paid any attention to me, so I could have sworn I was head over heels in love. Next thing I know, I moved in with him; about a year after that I married him (one of those drunken spur of the moment Vegas types of things). Then, even though I didn't realize it, was when things started to go downhill. I started a new job working as a cashier at a drugstore. One of the supervisors was a few years older than me and pretty cool. As time went on, for some reason I started to look at her in a different light. I started to really look forward to working with her, stuff like that. Meanwhile, one of my other supervisors was a gay guy. It wasn't until he told me one day (he kind of said it like a joke, in front of customers to boot) to stop hitting on her that I realized what was going on. (She's straight. And she hates me now. But that's a waaay different story.) So that was when I really started thinking about what was going on with my life. I remember screwing around with my husband one night and then just rolling over crying, telling him, "It just doesn't feel right anymore." Also around this time I went to the stupid optometrist, and of course she had to be pretty good looking. So every time she got really close to my face I started giggling uncontrollably. She made me put my glasses back on for the rest of the exam just to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, I was still married, so there was nothing I could do to experiment or anything. I went back home for New Year's a few years back, and ended up kissing my friend quite a few times that night. I battled my thoughts all night, trying to figure out what was going on and whether I should tell her that I really liked it. But then she called me up the next day, joking about it. Meanwhile my marriage was going downhill. The more I realized I was attracted to women, the harder it became to live here. Now here's the pickle, or rather, how I screwed my life over. Right after the thing happened at the drugstore, I couldn't take it and told my husband what was going on. He passed it off as a phase. So I just continued being discreet, not telling anyone, pretending to be straight, stuff like that. Meanwhile, due to the depression and frustration I was feeling, I developed a serious drinking problem that I'm still fighting. I started fighting with my husband a lot. I've left about 3 or 4 times and ending up having to come back. I've also been placed on 72-hour psychiatric holds around 10 times now because I keep thinking there's no way out. Because of the drinking, and because of the fact that I keep trying to be honest about my sexual orientation, my husband started to get pretty abusive. It's mostly verbal and emotional, but it's gotten physical some times. I've had phones, guitars, video games, chairs, you name it thrown at me; I've been shoved into bushes and had my head slammed into a wall once because I was hung over and missed an orthodontic appointment once. I also suffered from blackouts and due to this picked up 2 court cases that I won't mention except for the fact that I'm almost out of trouble. I've also been controlled to the point where: I can't drive He keeps my photo ID and the bank card in his wallet so I don't "steal his money" (I took off to Las Vegas once with a significant amount of cash, but he drove up there and got me back). I really don't go anywhere or have any friends. If I talk to guys that I knew in the past, he calls and threatens them not to talk to me (I'm serious). If I don't answer the phone while he's gone, he thinks I'm out stealing something or selling his possessions, which I've never done. Every time I mention that I'm gay and it's not working I get threatened with either a "psych ward", prison (he'll call the DA on me and say I've been drinking(I'm not supposed to, which is mostly true), or homelessness. He still thinks it's a fantasy of mine that'll just go away. I've been caught on gay websites a few times, resulting in almost being kicked out and a giant fight. In fact, it just happened last night. I can't even IM anyone anymore because he recognizes the window and immediately goes off on me. In his view: -I can't be gay if I'm not rich -All lesbians (despite being rich) are filthy smelly drug addicts -I can't be gay if I've never slept with a woman I've tried meeting people, putting ads up on Craigslist, stuff like that. Nobody ever responds because a) they don't want to deal with my drama or b) because I have no experience. I never go anywhere without my husband, so going on a date would be completely out of the question. I love my husband, but not like that, you know? It's gotten to the point where everywhere we go that's somewhere romantic, it just depresses me because all I can think about of how wonderful it would be if I was there with another woman. Heck, I even snuck out and went to a gay bar in the Valley a few months ago; I was there for about 8 hours, kissed a woman that probably had no interest in me whatsoever, and had to have a TG guy drive me home because that night did NOT go how I expected it to. Deep down inside, I know I'm gay. Even though I have no experience. I really don't think I was ever attracted to guys. Straight porn does absolutely nothing for me. I don't even sleep with my husband anymore (in the same room nor concerning explicit activities). I haven't checked out a guy in years. It just disgusts me. Women, on the other hand... I mean, I can understand where my husband's coming from. And I really didn't make this post to complain about my abusive life. But I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm stuck. I don't even have a job due to the economy and my situation with the courts. If I leave I'm literally homeless and penniless, and unless I finish this court-ordered class up in like 2 months, I'd end up in prison. Like I said before, I don't even have a driver's license. I can't even go back and live with my parents (in Ohio), because my mom swore me off and kicked me out in January because of my drinking. So.... I'm basically screwed. I've already decided to stop drinking, because that's certainly not helping anything. But... I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of breaking this guy's heart, because I know he loves me like... well, a lover, and I can't do that. I can't pretend to be straight forever, 'cause it hurts really bad. I just... don't know what to do. And no, counseling is out of the question as well... don't have the money and I'd have to lie again as to what it's about. I just want my life back. I want to be able to work again, someday find a girlfriend, live the rest of my life the way I want to, you know? Also, God forbid I go through all this, leave, actually get in a relationship and discover I don't like it. Highly (like 99.9 percent) unlikely but it scares me. Sorry about the length. Any help? Please?
Oh honey. I'm so glad I found this, and I hope to the good Lord that it's not too late. Honey, you've got to get out of there, I mean your marriage. He is holding you back on SO many levels. You are a spirited, energetic soul, but you can't live in that smothering, hateful environment. One night, take what you need, and get the hell out of there. Don't be afraid to run. Ths is your life. You only have one shot at this, and none of us even know if we'll get tomorrow. Promise me you'll live for you, not for the simple obligation of living. Dear I love you so much, just like I love everyone. And I want so desperately for you to be happy and safe. Please let me know how this goes. ~Katt Alaina
Welcome to EC! Well, it sounds like you've got your work cut out for you. You've done a good job of delineating precisely where the problems are, and what you need to do. Now you just need to do it. 1. You need swear off drinking. Completely. Not just kinda. All the way. 2. You need to finish this course. 3. You need to find a job. ANY job. 4. You need to start formulating a plan to move out of your place once you get that job. None of these will be easy, but I think they're the proper steps in order to get your life back on track. >>>Also, God forbid I go through all this, leave, actually get in a relationship and discover I don't like it. The odds that you "don't like it" - meaning decide you don't like being in a relationship with women at all - are pretty remote. That doesn't mean your first or second relationship will be perfect, of course. Just because you're dating the right gender doesn't mean you're guaranteed a perfect match. But I don't think you'll come to the conclusion that you were straight all along. We're here for you. Your agony aunt, your shoulder to cry on, your cheering section. Let's see if we can get you to a better spot. Lex
Thanks. I pretty much know what needs to be done; it just seems next to impossible recently to actually accomplish it. I've become so used to depending on someone for almost everything, that I've almost got a mental block going on supporting myself completely (I've actually never done it before.) What doesn't help either is the whole fear of rejection thing, that no woman will even want to go out with me in the first place. Heck, half the time I think my gaydar's busted because I keep picking up straight women
>>>I've become so used to depending on someone for almost everything, that I've almost got a mental block going on supporting myself completely (I've actually never done it before.) My first real job after college was in the middle of nowhere. For no money. My diet was nothing for breakfast, the two-Big-Mac-for-two-dollar special for lunch, and either crackers or popcorn for dinner. My entertainment was my library card, and watching Gargoyles on my tiny B&W TV each morning at 7am. (The TV got two stations.) But I still look back very fondly on those days. Because there WAS in fact that feeling of "I'm making it". It was rough going, but it really did give me a sense of accomplishment that I was surviving on my own. >>>What doesn't help either is the whole fear of rejection thing, that no woman will even want to go out with me in the first place. A very common feeling. Among gay men, there's this belief that the only desirable ones are the hot, trim, muscular, smooth, hung guys between the ages of 18 and 24. I'm assuming there's a lesbian corollary. But it ends up that's simply not the case. It does take all kinds, and it seems everybody is somebody's type. It may mean you won't attract somebody from across a crowded room, but that just puts you on the same level as the other 99% of the human race. We're standard ordinary people, and we're stuck attracting people with our winning personalities rather than our stellar good looks. Lex
