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Coming out as a lesbian to my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Daisy1, Sep 29, 2011.

  1. Daisy1

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    So, I think this weekend is the time to come out to my boyfriend. He knows I'm questioning, but now that I'm pretty sure I'm gay, I think it's time to tell him. The problem is, we've been dating for six years, and he's been my best friend for much longer than that. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him that every time I try to get the words out, I completely clam up. I'm thinking of saying some combination of:

    - The entire time we've been dating, I've never been attracted to other guys. I always assumed that it was because I was a perfect girlfriend, but I actually think that it's something else.
    - You're my best friend, and I'm terrified of losing you, but the truth is that I think I'm gay.

    The other problem is that we're spending the whole weekend together (at a wedding), and I don't know when to break the news. If I tell him early, the rest of the weekend could be terrible. If I wait till the end, I have to act normal all weekend.

    The other, other problem is that I'm not even completely sure I'm gay. I've been wavering between, say, 50% and 95% for about three month, but before that, I thought I was just bi.

    What do you guys think? I'm not even sure I'm going to be able to do this, but right now it feels like the right thing to do.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Katelynn

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    First of all, big (*hug*) s. It's always a big step to come out to anyone, but especially to people we love, who we want to keep in our lives & someone we don't want to lose. Second, I know it may feel right to tell him, so if it feels right, go with it. If he really is your best friend too, then he should understand, especially if he already knows to a certain extent that it might be coming, since you've already told him you're questioning. What I personall would sugget tho, is maybe considering waiting until you know for sure. You don't want to say something, have it get awkward, only to discover later on that things feel a bit different than you had originally had felt. This is really up to you. I think the way you've worded what you said is good, as it says to him right up front that you consider him your best friend & don't want to lose him. You may want to be clearer tho with the last part. Saying you think you're gay instead of saying you are gay may confuse him & lead to questions, as well as the dreaded 'well if you only think you are, maybe you're still just bisexual.' You want to make sure that when you tell him, he is clear on what you mean. It's hard enough for both of you, so you don't want to leave any space for him to think that you still aren't sure, eve if you aren't sure. Otherwise, he may still keep pressing the issue on you, which could make things even harder for you. Third, if you two are going away together for a weekend for a wedding, then it might be best to wait until the end of the weekend to come out to him, since it could possibly go badly, leaving you both feeling awkward & uncomfortable for the whole weekend. While I know you'll be uncomfy for the weekend, it probably wouldn't be anything compared to if things go badly & you are both uncomfy being around each other. Again, this is really ultimately up to you.

    No matter what happens tho, I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you decide & you know that all of us here on EC will always be here to talk things thru with you! (*hug*)
     
  3. Daisy1

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    Thanks very much Kiersten. Excellent advice as always :slight_smile:
     
  4. RaeofLite

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    I agree with Kiersten. Telling him you "think" you are gay is different than telling him, I "am sure" that I am gay.

    Here are some questions to make sure you have checked off. Do you find yourself attracted primarily to women when you're out in public? Or even looking at pictures? Their bodies etc? Do you get aroused at the thought of being with a woman in bed rather than a man? Do you long for that relationship type connection with a woman? Do you get butterflies with some women? and have crushes on other women?

    I'm guessing you already went through some self discovery to get to this point, so I apologize if I'm repeating that.
     
  5. Rissyroo

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    Wow. . . That's. . . Going to be really hard on him, you know. :| But if you think you're gay, then, I suppose that's what must be done. However - You've stayed this guy for six years, but you have so little feelings that you'll break up with him? Have you had no feelings for him for these past six years? I apologize if I'm coming off harsh, but, it might seem like you're playing him a little bit - I'm not saying you are, but that will be how you come across. The fact that you don't know for sure if you're not is kinda, eh. But. . . Well.

    I agree with the above poster - Go through that checklist, ask yourself those questions - Also questions about the opposite sex. Are you ever sexually aroused by guys? Have you ever had crushed to guys? It'd help you figure yourself out, as she {ap} already said. c:

    Now... As for telling him you think you're a lesbian... Just say it, if you're positive you're willing to leave behind this relationship you've been in for six years. Just say it - The quicker you do it, the more likely it is you'll actually say it. With big speeches... Well, the subject can get lost easily. You could change your mind half way through, stuff like that. Just a simple - "I think I'm gay." Will do it.

    As for when to tell him... Well. Don't force it. Don't come up with a big plan of when you'll tell him {before/after} just... Let it flow out naturally. Don't stress on it, just enjoy your weekend - When it feels like it's a good time, say it.
     
  6. Katelynn

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    You're welcome. I'm always happy to try & help! (*hug*)
     
  7. Daisy1

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    Update: it didn't go well. I lost my courage to tell him on my way to New York because I just didn't feel sure enough that I'm gay to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend/best friend. Then, I had this scary fainting spell and my bf was a total hero, which completely ruined my conviction. It's really important to me to figure this stuff out, so I've signed up to meet with an LGBT mentor on campus in addition to the shrink I'm already seeing.

    Thanks everyone, and I'll keep you posted.
     
  8. Katelynn

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    (*hug*) No worries. You have to be comfortable with this just as much as you want him to be good with things, probably even more so for yourself. Just because you didn't tell him doesn't mean anything has changed, it just means you need more time, & that may not be a bad thing. Just remember that all of us are here for you! (*hug*)
     
  9. DhammaGamer

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    I literally just went through all this with my girlfriend a week ago. I'm still in a questioning phase as well, but what it comes down to is, "are you going to be able to discover this side of yourself and still be in a relationship with your boyfriend?" My ex-girlfriend is being really supportive right now, even though I am trying to keep my space. It's been a really hard week.

    There are times where I am still attracted to women, and times where I am only attracted to men. So it's not easy pinning down what exactly I am.

    Sexuality is a complicated thing, and if you feel like something is missing in that area of your relationship with your boyfriend, you need to build up the strength to let him know. It's okay if you're not sure if your gay or whatever. What's not okay is living a lie and stringing a good friend along just so you can feel safe. He has a life to live as well, and if you aren't "the one" then he needs to know that.

    Believe me, it is not easy. I've never felt this depressed in my entire life. But I can feel thigns getting a little better every day. You just have to have confidence and faith in your decision.

    Good luck

    ----

    edit: forgot to mention I was with my girlfriend for 4 years, so I know how difficult this can be, if you need any support I'm on here almost every day
     
  10. Daisy1

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    Thanks, Kiersten and DG. I really appreciate the support. DG - I hope you start to feel better soon.