Hi. Wow, this is a hard question for me to ask. And I probably won't like the answer. But here goes. I've always thought I was straight, and barring some experimenting before I turned 10 I've never done anything sexually with a man. I have, however, had sex with several women. I've even been in relationships that lasted for years without ever feeling like I was going against some "inner nature" that pulled me towards other men. Truth be told, I've always had sort of a nagging voice in the back of my mind which asked me "But aren't you really gay"? I guess like most teenage boys I've been deathly afraid that I was gay and that feeling has persisted. And that has always sort of been my excuse. I remember reading on a help site when I was quite young that the fear of being gay might make you get turned on by same sex fantasies. And while I did get turned on by men in some situations it always felt like it was because I was so afraid of being gay. The first time the alarm bells started to chime in all seriousness was about 3 and a half years ago when I smoked some weed. I got so turned on by a homosexual fantasy that I just had to go to a bathroom and relieve myself (I don't know if this is too much information on this forum and apologize if it is). It wasn't my first time smoking, but after that, almost every time I've smoked weed I've felt a strong "gay urge". I dismissed it as a consequence of the weed making me even more paranoid and therefore making it even more compelling. In the period since that, I was in a relationship with a girl for about 2 years. I really and truly loved her, and having sex with her was about my most favorite thing in the world. Later on when the relationship started to show signs of coming to an end, and she didn't want to have so much sex anymore, we got in endless fights about the fact that we weren't having enough sex. I hated it. Now really, this is me being completely honest with myself for a change, so I'm not exaggerating. I LOVED having sex with her. Anyway, after we broke up I went into a deep depression that lasted for several months. I started smoking more weed, and the homosexual fantasies grew proportionally. Several times I would admit to myself that I was gay, only to rationalize it a couple of days later. Mostly because the thought of being gay makes me infinitely depressed. As time passed, the homosexual feelings stopped being exclusive to when I got high, and I think maybe I fell in love with one of my best friends. I'm not really sure, because for much of that period I was pretty much continually high on weed which certainly doesn't encourage clear thoughts. Nowadays if I wake up with a "morning bread" its because I'm thinking of guys. Straight porn no longer interests me like it did before, while gay porn has become really exciting. I can barely walk outside and interact with other men without feeling attracted to them. Or at least the attractive men. So moment of truth: Have I become gay? And if so, is there any possibility that this might change again? No disrespect to any gay people intended in this post. I guess most of you have been where I am and know how hard it can be. And finally, thanks so much to anyone who bothered reading this entire long post and give me an answer. I'm really struggling with this right now and don't know what to do.
Well, I don't think you really "became gay", or that you'll ever "become straight again". People rarely change sexualities (and if they do, it's usually after a hugely traumatic experience, not after merely smoking something). They just learn more about themselves when they grow older. From reading your post, I'm getting more of an impression that you were just really good at walling in the same-sex attractions that were always there, and that now you managed to lower your inhibitions on a couple of occasions (even if it took drugs the first few times), it's becoming harder and harder to pretend they don't exist. Or at least, that's how it went for me. Until I was 24, I really was adamant even to myself that, occasional moments of "weakness" aside (every time after watching gay porn I was really intent on that being the "really final time"), I really was straight and just had high standards for girls. The gay urges were downplayed as "just a phase that all guys have" or "fixating on guys because I couldn't get a date with a girl" Until, one day, sitting alone, I got thinking about how my life would make so much more sense if I was gay all along, and that kind of opened the floodgates. So, best advice I can give would be to not look at you "losing your straightness", but about learning something about yourself: guys do it for you too! The fact that you managed to have a fulfilling relationship with a girl might mean you're really more bisexual and just focused more on guys now that you're discovering them(they're the new hotness for you, after all ), or you might find out that guys work out even better for you (meaning you're more on the gay end of the spectrum). I guess the best thing to do now is roll with it. If gay porn makes you get off, then why would you torture yourself by forcing yourself to watch a different kind? Thoughts are free (and no one can read them!) If you met a guy that would totally be boyfriend material and that you have the same or stronger feelings for as you had for your previous girlfriend: why would you forego that chance? Maybe it would pay off to look for a GLBT group or club or bar and try hanging out there for a bit, to see if you connect to any of the people there.
Joe Kort is a gay therapist in USA. He has come up with a test which seems accurate. Imagine you're at the beach with sunglasses on. No-one can see who you're looking at. Who do you look at - the half naked guys or the half naked girls? After 30 years of trying I have not come up with a more truthful test. Good luck. Scott
