Hi. I just recently registered to this website, simply because I've been feeling so stuffy and unhappy with my life lately. I'm currently still closeted in my undergraduate years of college and for the past week I've been debating whether I should talk to some kind of therapist or counselor... but then the internet led me here. I'm sure those on these forums have heard many many stories like my own already, but I just needed somewhere to talk and feel comfortable. As you can see from my ridiculous user ID I'm too scared to even come up with something original in the fear that I would be found out... I've been so depressed lately, that I've noticed a significant change in my personality and behaviors. I just want to get back to my old care-free self.. Life just seems so hard and suffocating now.. I've known I was gay since high school. I was even intimate with another boy in high school ( not exactly sure how that happened). We were both closeted, but eventually when things got too deep I just couldn't handle it anymore and distanced myself. I couldn't deal with the things people would say about us even though I would just deny it. Distracting myself from my "gay" self in high school wasn't too hard, because I constantly kept myself busy. Whether that be hanging out with friends, drinking, or smoking. Once I got to college, my freshman year was pretty much exactly the same. I partied and smoked until I got sick and had to get hospitalized (but this is rearing a bit off topic). Anyways, I've grown pretty tired of that lifestyle, and lately I've had nothing to distract myself with, and this has caused me to do a lot of reflection over the past year. Recently I've distanced myself from a lot of my friends, so I've been really lonely and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Even if we were still talking like we used to I can't come to trust them . There are some of my friends that I feel would accept me for being gay, but they would never truly look at me the same, and I hate when people judge or have to act different around you. I have no intention of ever telling my family, simply because I feel they would never accept me. My dad has anger issues and is so reared into societal images and his way of thinking is blurred like a tunnel. I fear he would disown me but then I know that he has a lot of expectations on me. He feels I'm his last "hope" in the family. If I told him I'm scared that he might do something drastic.. My mom is a super strong believer of Christianity too. She is the type of woman who puts God before her family, which led to my parents divorce. My older brother is how someone would label a "thug". He is completely homophobic and absolutely hates all gay people. He bashes on them in front of me and even told me one day that "I better not be gay". I've struggled with my own religion for a long time now and still haven't decided whether I will be accepted into heaven or not.. Lately I've been thinking that it would help ease a lot of my discomfort if I told at least 1 or 2 people that I trust, but even if I did, I wouldn't know where to go from there.. Would I still hide in the closet in front of every other person? Up until last year I was confident that I could finish college confidently and get into a straight marriage and have kids. I knew I would never be truly happy but I figured I would have to put up with it. I just don't know anymore though.. Are the benefits of coming out worth it? All of the consequences just scare me too much.. Sorry about ranting on and on about my life, but its something that's been bottled inside of me for quite awhile now. If I hadn't vented I might literally go insane.. Has anyone else had a similar situation like mine? some sort of advice would be appreciated
First off welcome to EC. You've found the right place where you'll get some pretty good advice from people who have had similar situations like yours. It's hard accepting yourself with who you are sometimes. But in the long run it's definitely worth it. No one wants to live a lie because you will never truly be happy and many people who try pushing their true selves out of the picture end up marrying and starting a family only to realize later on down the road they aren't happy which leads some to divorce and start a new life or continue living a lie. Either way, it's harder and if you can avoid doing that to yourself, you should. There's no harm in contacting a counselor and talking your problems out. Chances are your college will have some professional therapists on campus (might even be free if it's included in the tuition costs). I've said this to many members before, but if your friends cannot accept you for who you are then they aren't very good friends to begin with. There are people out there who will accept you and love you for who you are and want to be your friend based on your personality, not your sexuality. Maybe see if your college offers a LGBT club or a Gay/Straight Alliance that you can join. That would be a great way to meet people who are accepting and might be going through similar situations. About your family -- that's a tough one. I wouldn't think of coming out to them right now at all by the way you described them (even though you said you weren't planning to). Once you are settled and comfortable with yourself, you can start thinking of possibly telling your family. The first step is being honest with yourself and being able to tell people you trust about what's going on. And drinking, smoking, and partying isn't the answer. Sure, that might be a short-term escape but at the end of the day your problems are still there, maybe along with new ones as well due to those activities. The sad truth is that people are always judging, there's no changing that. The only thing you can do is be true to yourself and hope they accept you. If they can't then that is their problem and even if it's family, you might be better off without having to deal with the negativity they might induce. I would advise being out on your own and having a stable career if you would ever consider telling your family down the road. I'm not sure what your religion is, but if it's some form of Christianity ask yourself this -- If God created me the way I am, doesn't that mean he loves me? If your religion believes that God created people than I'm assuming he created you the way you are for a reason. Try joining a LGBT group or talk to a therapist if you need to. Maybe tell one friend and see how it goes and take it from there. It might not be as bad as you think. And remember, EC is here for you if you need us.
First off I would like to thank you for replying . Your words are really supportive and I just needed a person to listen and respond. I have looked into a LGBT club at our school, however it's located in a fairly well known building on our campus, and I'm just too afraid of being seen (I know.. that sounds silly). I don't mean to start a religious debate, but I don't believe God simply loving me will ensure me a place in heaven... :/ .. I have also looked into Gay Christianity topics online but I'm still not sure what to believe! (but just ignore this bottom paragraph) I don't like talking about religion..
I would attend the LGBT club. I'm sure there are straight students on your campus that attends it as well. Who cares what people think. In the long run it will help you and you might end up making some good friends from it. Well I'm not going to get into a religious debate with you as that's not what I'm here for. I'm here for advice. You know your religious beliefs better than anyone. That's something you need to figure out on your own. But know this, there are many gay religious people who live happy, healthy lives and know that they will be rewarded in the afterlife. Again, I would consider the LGBT group meeting. Maybe at least once to see what it's like. It can only help you, not hurt.
Hi Trollin I was perusing the pages and came across the post you put up a few days ago. First off, thank you for being so brave and vulnerable with, well, the whole Internet! You are undoubtedly going through a real tough time, and I don't know exactly what to tell you that could change that. You message particularly struck me when you mentioned struggling with Christianity. There are indeed many conflicting stories, and people even in the LGBT community often portray the issue as either being for equality or being for religion. They say you need to choose one side or the other. Well I am gay but I am also Catholic, and I find no reason that the two should be seen as incompatible. I could go on for a long time about the forging of the two identities, but I thought I would rather send a line out to you and let you know that even though we do not know each other I care deeply about your wellbeing. If you have any specific questions or need anything I would love to help. You my good sir, are not alone.
Hey Trollin, welcome to the site. I was in a very similar situation, yet began my coming out journey about a year ago. I told my parents about six months ago. My mom is hardcore Catholic, and I myself went to Catholic school all the way through high school. She was very unhappy with it and said a lot of hurtful things. Our relationship has become awkward, but she still loves me despite telling me that me being gay was worse than her dad dying and she told me not to tell my sisters or any other family. I think it would be a good idea to tell people. If you have any female friends I find they are usually very supportive and a lot of times are more comfortable discussing it. Likely they'll just be happy they can relate to you better. If you really don't feel like you have anyone you can tell then there is surely and LGBT group of some kind you can contact to meet someone to talk to. Good luck, and just know that even if people react badly to it, usually they will come around to it usually. From what I understand it usually takes two years at the most for people to accept it, and if that's the case then the sooner you spring the news, the sooner she'll come around.
Hey Trollin, I know exactly where you're coming from. First, I drank and smoked my way through high school as well. Being absolutely hammered was the only way I could get with my girlfirend and keep up the charade. And it worked. Nobody had a clue, and that's the way I wanted it. After high school I travelled...a lot! I loved it, but mostly because I wasn't at home and wasn't dealing with my issues. Then I started university a few provinces over. Away from all my friends and all my family except one really good girl friend I met during my travels. After 2 months at school I finally worked up the courage to tell her I am gay...and she took it so well! After a few weeks all my university friends knew. Then came Christmas. I came home, and couldn't go back. Stressed me out, living two separate lives. I figured I had to deal with HOME (family, friends,etc.) Fast forward to now, and I'm still in the process of coming out. My Mom is very religious as well (Catholic--church every sunday, priest visits our house after church sometimes, hardcore right?) And Dad is very concious of his self-image as well. I thought for sure they'd be disappointed, upset and definitely reject me. Just 2 weeks ago I FINALLLLLLY came out to my parents and was blown away. They were amazing! Both of them....so loving and so accepting. And they've both had very homophobic comments in the past. You just never know... My advice come out to someone....Anyone! And see where it goes from there. You will feel 10000000000 times better for doing it believe me. The rest just sort of happens from there...though it can take time...and that's fine too. It's taken me 3 years and the ball's just really starting to roll now. Big changes are coming and I'm excited for them instead of dreading them. Best of luck! Know you're not alone!
Also, I'd like to point out, as hopeless as it seems now, the more people you tell the easier it gets. Anymore like any time I'm at a party I end up telling at least one person (pretty much always a girl) just because it feels good to tell people anymore. Usually people are awesome and are just like, omg that's great (hug). Even though it seems hopeless now I'm actually really happy to be gay.
Thank you all for the support and advice ! It really does make me feel better that there are others out there that know my secret and are still supportive. I thought I'd just update and say that this past weekend I came out to my sister. At first she was really surprised and didn't believe me. However, she accepted it just as fast haha. She was really supportive of me and we just talked about my situation and it felt REALLY good to tell someone. I don't feel so alone in hiding this burden as much, and I've been debating whether I should start telling some of my close friends... But anyways, thanks again for all the support and love!
Wow that's great! Good job coming out to your sister. And it's great hearing that she's supportive. Telling your friends might be a good idea, but that's up to you.
Hi Trollin, Good work on coming out to your sister. Everyone has different sexualities, remember that. Even though your brother is a 'gay hater' as you say, how do you know he isn't gay? You might think its a silly question, but the truth is you don't know. Sometimes those who scream 'fag' (I hate this word blah) the loudest are hating and hiding themselves more than anyone. Don't be afraid of other peoples perceptions. Being a minority isn't easy, but to come out and do it with confidence WILL make a big difference to YOUR happiness and fulfillment.
