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Dealing with religious types-am I paranoid?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PerfectInsanity, Sep 30, 2011.

  1. PerfectInsanity

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    So I moved into a new place a couple of months ago and my roommates and I are just getting to know the neighbors. At a BBQ a few weeks ago a couple of our next door neighbors came over. The one guy is from Texas and said he came out here to start a church of some sort (his car has a jesus fish on it, so I'm guessing the church is some variant of Christianity). I didn't get a chance to really get to know them as I had my own friends over that night that I was hanging with.

    Twice since then (including tonight) my roommates and this guy have asked me along with them to go eat out. I am an atheist and still in the process of coming out, and am not too fond of uber-religious types due to the precedence of gay-bashing that they've set. So, I've declined both of the invitations to hang out since I guess I am making assumptions about how this person will treat me once it comes out that I'm gay. On the surface he is a nice guy, but I tend to think it might be a way to win people over in the hopes of religious conversion (in my opinion most of the evangelical types tend to be this way). Anyways, tonight when I declined he said "aw come on, I haven't had the chance to hang out with you" and I basically said "maybe some other time", and made up a bullshit excuse for why I couldn't go out with them. This whole exchange left me in a funk and feeling kind of like the bad guy.:eusa_doh:

    I guess my question to the EC group is, am I being too cynical and an anti-social jerk by not giving the guy a chance? Am I justified at all in anticipating what his views towards the GLBT community are given that he seems like he might be evangelical? Should I keep my distance and not bother trying to attempt any kind of friendship, or should I expect that there is even a chance that he won't be a gay-hating religious nutjob? I do have lots of friends who are slightly-moderately religious, but I know they are not bigots. On a basic level I don't have a problem with people being religious, as long as they don't try to shove their views down my throat. I'm kind of lost as to what to do since I've not dealt with uber-religious types since coming out. :bang:

    What are your experiences in dealing with these situations?
     
  2. Gerry

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    Do your roommates know about your sexuality? If they do that might help you out some. And it's hard to say. I feel uncomfortable about being around super religious people because it seems every other word they mention has to do with God or religion in some way. But I would give it a chance. See how he is. You might find out it's not as bad as you think. If afterwards it is what you thought it would be then you don't need to hang out with him again. But I would try it once. And if the conversation material turns uncomfortable maybe at least say you're an atheist and you would appreciate it if everyone would talk of a more neutral subject. :slight_smile:
     
  3. PerfectInsanity

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    I have not told my roommates yet, although I know at least one of them will be accepting given his political views and his mentioning of gay friends. I almost came out to him last week, but he is a very talkative guy and it's sometimes hard to get a word in. I think I'll come out to him and probably the other two roommates pretty soon though.
     
  4. Gerry

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    That would be a good first step. Come out to him and see how things go from there. :slight_smile: Then you can decide what to do next. Again, think about giving that religious neighbor a chance to hang out with you. It might not be so bad and you don't want to be close-minded. :slight_smile:
     
  5. maverick

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    Yeah, you're not paranoid. At least I don't think so. If he is talking about "starting a church", that obviously translates to "building a flock". And you're looking mighty sheepy right about now, because most people don't assume others are atheist OR gay since they're both minority positions.

    If I were you, I'd just come out to him and gauge his reaction. You might be a lesson for this guy in tolerance if he does harbor any homophobia which is founded in two simple facts:

    a) He has blind faith in whatever his religion tells him about gay people, and
    b) He has never had real interaction with gay people.

    If you do not match up to the boogeyman he has been told to expect when encountering gay people, it will give him a temporary crisis, in which he will decide you are either a) SECRETLY evil, or b) that his church was lying to him. Which might cause a whole new set of existential issues.

    I would probably come out to this guy and the gay-friendly roommate at the same time, if possible. That way if he does fly off the handle in some way, you have someone to take your side.
     
  6. LikeMyCloset

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    Some people might consider me an uber religious freak, but I wouldn't have a problem with you coming out to me :grin:. I have friends that have started churches, and I have friends that have started/work for GLBT organizations. I recently found out that a guy that I went to college with (I knew who he was, but doubt he remembers me as I thought he was too cool to talk to me so didn't talk to him) who started something called the Gay Christian Network - now there's a guy who's uber religious *and* uber gay, so you never know!
     
  7. NoPlanB

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    Yeah, it really depends on the person. My family is moving to start a church next year and I'm about as tolerant as they come. Some people in my church won't accept gay people and then others will accept them without a second thought. Be sure to treat everyone differently. From what I've seen personally, most churches in my area are becoming a lot more gay friendly.
     
  8. malachite

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    I would say no to your cynical question is, no. You should proceed with caution (I believe in realism). Now to contradict myself: you also can close off until you know what your dealing with.

    My advice, sneaky as it may be, is to go out with these folk and try to find out what their view on gays are. Tread with caution until you know what your dealing with, but always closing yourself off is a lonely path, believe me I know.

    Believe in your own views but act as though your none the wiser to someone else's.
     
  9. Gleeko0

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    I agree with you in this point, completely.

    @PerfectInsanity I guess you should try to interact with them (and him), taking the religious talk easy and as Gerry suggested: "if the conversation material turns uncomfortable maybe at least say you're an atheist and you would appreciate it if everyone would talk of a more neutral subject.". First, show them you are a nice person and interact considerably, then you come out to them, maverick said pretty much everything about that. Its an awesome idea.

    Good luck!
     
  10. PerfectInsanity

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    So I made at least one step closer today by coming out to my gay-friendly roommate. As predicted, he was not phased by the info. at all. I went about it by first asking for his assessment of how religious our neighbor is and then mentioned I was asking since I'm gay, and kind of leery about evangelical types. According to him, the neighbors went out for them with beers with dinner last night and didn't seem "too religious" (he said that religion wasn't really brought up in any of the conversations they had). So, I figure I can at least hang out with the neighbor sometime and see for myself how tolerant of a person he is, although I think I'll still be cautious in that department since he could say he's pro-gay in the hopes of converting me (which would not work by a long shot). Even though I'm an atheist I don't necessarily mind if religion is brought up--only if he starts spouting homophobic statements and hiding behind his bible.
     
  11. Gerry

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    First off, congrats on coming our to your roommate. :slight_smile:

    Secondly, that's good to hear you're going to give your neighbor a chance and hang out with them. I don't think it'll be that bad but good luck nonetheless. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Daryn

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    I feel guilty for making assumptions about religious people, but the second I hear "church" come out of someone's mouth, I have a bad feeling. Sometimes, that feeling is a good indicator, other times, I admit, I jump to conclusions.