Need some advice

Hi, and welcome to EC.

First, it's clear that you've given a lot of thought and consideration to your situation, and that helps a lot. I think your Buddhist studies have been really helpful to you in contemplating and understanding yourself.

But I also wonder how your relationship with your girlfriend is affecting things. I don't necessarily agree with your Buddhist friends that your back-and-forth is inability to commit; my suspicion is that it may be really difficult for you to deeply contemplate whether you are truly closer to the gay side of the spectrum because of the way your gf is handling things, and her neediness.

One of the things I often tell people in your situation is to try to isolate your feelings from your girlfriend and the way you relate to her. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

-- When you are out walking around, by yourself, and you notice other people, who do your eyes go toward? Are you looking at men, or at women?

-- On the days you feel like you're swinging toward women, do you feel like you're *forcing* yourself to look at women, or does it come naturally? Or are you still looking at men?

-- When you're having sex with your girlfriend, do you feel like you're totally there, totally engaged, and in the moment, or does it feel sort of hollow or disconnected? Do you ever fantasize about men when having sex with her?

-- When you masturbate, and particuarly when you are close to ejaculation, are you thinking about guys, or girls, or both?

My guess is that if you draw your focus to what you're doing when you aren't consciously thinking about it (where your eyes wander, what your masturbation fantasies naturally go toward, what goes through your mind during sex with your gf), you'll find that your feelings are probably a lot more consistent than you realize, and that you are, the rest of the time, semi-consciously trying to move yourself in one direction or the other.

If you can think about those things and perhaps mull them over a bit in your head and then answer, we can help you get a much clearer picture of what's going on for you.

Separately from identifying what's going on for you, it may be wise for you to really explore what your relationship with your girlfriend means. If she is really clingy and insecure, and you are with her more because it would be difficult and dramatic to break up, rather than because it makes you happy... then it's unlikely that you will ever be truly happy in that relationship (regardless of whether you're attracted to guys or girls or both) and you may want to consider why you continue to stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you.

One's first meaningful relationship always brings about strong feelings. But often it's not a very healthy relationship, because we bring to it all of the baggage we have from our family of origin. As you continue therapy and work through your own issues, you will probably find that the relationship is working less and less for you, and this is because you are growing, emotionally and psychologically, while your gf is not. And while that's unfortunate, it also means that, should this relationship end, you will not only find someone else to love you, but likely, having worked through some of your issues, you'll find someone more emotionally healthy.

Last, somewhat unrelated question: Do you know if your therapist has a fair amount of experience working with LGBT people? One who is less experienced isn't necessarily a bad thing -- my therapist wasn't experienced with LGBT issues at all, and was amazing -- but having one who isn't can make it a little harder to process and understand all of the issues associated with bisexuality or whatever your emerging sexuality may be.

 

Dhamma:

You're on the right path, and I suspect that you are already realizing that you are changing and growing and healing as a person, but your girlfriend is much more stuck in her current behavior patterns. And sadly, this is a common problem for people who are on a spiritual path. So most likely, as you grow more, you'll realize, if you haven't already, that this relationship is probably not a good match for you.

It's interesting that you mention boundaries, because lack of boundaries is a very common problem with really insecure people (i.e, your girlfriend), and it sounds like you have a difficult time setting clear boundaries for yourself as well. So it sounds like your therapist is on the right track with that. And in most cases, a therapist will generally not give specific directive suggestions, such as inviting you to take a look at the relationship and determining whether it's healthy for you. So I would suggest that might be something to think about, if you haven't already done so.

As far as your sexual orientation, from what you're describing, my initial sense is that you are probably leaning toward gay or at least the gay side of bi. It gets complicated because of all the internalized homophobia that nearly everyone has arising from the environment around us... which tends to make us hide, even from ourselves, our true feelings about sexual attraction. So you could genuinely be attracted to both men and women, or you could be mostly attracted to men, but have forced yourself to feel "attraction" toward women because you've programmed yourself to believe you should be straight. But it seems clear that you're not solely attracted to women.

For most people, coming to terms with that idea -- that you could be gay, and not bi, or even that you're bi and more attracted to guys -- can be really difficult and upsetting. But it is something that you reconcile eventually and come to accept. I talk a lot about the stages of loss -- in this case, the loss of your identity as a straight guy -- because it's something that's pretty universal to the process of coming out, and can be helpful to accepting the process you're embarking on.

The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

Denial is stuff like "I'm not gay."

Anger is "Goddamn it, I don't want this" or "Why is this happening to me" and the like

Bargaining is "Well, I like guys, but I still really like girls too" or "Well, maybe it's just a phase" or "But I still see all these girls I think are hot" and the like... statements you make to justify your thinking that you know deep down aren't really true.

And grief and acceptance are pretty self-explanatory.

The stages aren't necessarily 100% sequential; people can move back and forth for a bit, and sometimes you move lightning fast through one and get stuck in another... but in the end, most everyone moves through most all of them, and when they've finished, they are finally at peace and comfortable with where they are, and all of the turmoil and uncertainty goes away.

I hope that helps.

stilllovelyafte:

You've hit on something really important, and that's honesty and integrity. It's always the easier path to simply avoid unpleasant truths, particularly when you know they will cause anguish or heartbreak. But of course, avoiding the truth simply postpones the difficulty, and the longer you postpone it, generally speaking, the more painful it is. So it's better to own up sooner rather than later.

And of course, it's further complicated if this is the first healthy and supportive relationship you've had. But the important thing to remember is... there will be other healthy relationships. The first relationship, regardless of same or opposite sex, is always intense and it's easy to simply believe there will never be a better one. But with rare exceptions, subsequent relationships, particularly if you're matched initially with the wrong sex partner, are much better, deeper, and more fulfilling because you know better what you want, and you are being more authentic.

Also keep in mind that ending the relationship doesn't have to mean ending the friendship. Quite a few gay guys I know have maintained amazing relationships with their former girlfriends, been "bridesmaids" at their weddings, and so forth. Don't expect that there won't be some difficulty at first, but in many cases, once that's past, the core pieces that made you compatible are still there, and you can still share each other's lives, albeit in a different way.

Finally, on the issue of your sexual orientation, like Dhamma, I suspect that you already have a pretty good idea of where you stand. If you know you've conditioned yourself to think about girls when masturbating, and when walking around looking... then it's pretty likely that your natural tendency is something else. So, as you said, scaling back those behaviors and letting yourself naturally do and be will help you to figure out whether the instincts that brought you to EC and to questioning yourself are correct or not. My guess is... you probably already know the answer but are having a little difficulty owning it, which is completely understandable.

For both of you, I hope you'll stick around and continue to share your experience, both so that others can benefit, and so that you can get more clarity and get yourselves moving in whatever direction is the right one for each of you.