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Accepting being gay, starting university and coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by skylitup, Oct 1, 2011.

  1. skylitup

    Regular Member

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    Hey,

    So I two questions I'd love advice on - about acknowledging and coming to terms with being gay and about coming out. I think I'm gay (but it would help if you could confirm that) and I'm starting university soon and don't know whether to come out.

    So firstly I'm pretty sure I'm gay. I've kind of denied it for several years even though it seems really obvious (well I've been attracted to guys but never consciously equated that with *being gay*) but the prospect of my high school years coming to an end made me force myself to start coming to terms with it. I remember being turned on by seeing half naked men on TV since I was about 4 (I remember once showing my mum that I could enlarge my penis when I was about 6, and when she asked me how I did it, I said thinking about things... but not saying it was thinking about Robbie Williams stripping in the Rock DJ video - probably a good thing in hindsight :lol:slight_smile:. I totally fell in love (well maybe not love but I was infactuated) with this boy at my school when I was about 12 - at the time I thought I just wanted to be best friends with him, but I dreamt regularly about him, did anything to spend time with him, loved to smell him, and just got erections constantly when I was around him. That's probably the only time I've been really into someone though (I really want it to happen again and it's been 5 years though I have had crushes on other guys). I've always exclusively looked at gay porn really, I never even started looking at the alternative to try and pretend I was sexually into girls. I don't think I've ever got an erection looking at women in various states of undress. I was intruiged when I was younger when I saw pictures of naked women because it was naughty/forbidden and intruiged by their different anatomy but I don't think I've ever had that ~tingly feeling down there~ which I got just by seeing a hot shirtless guy. So that sounds really gay right? But I just needed to get that out there so I could get confirmation from you guys. My only doubt is that I've been to an all boys school for the past 7 years and had limited contact with girls so don't know if I would have been really into them if I had spent more time with them - that it's pushed me towards being gay. Like I get awkward/uncomfortable around pretty girls and don't know why if I'm gay - maybe because I'm kind of intimidated by their beauty and feel (sexually) judged by them in a way I'm not around (straight) guys? I don't get all that awkward even around really hot guys: maybe because I know they're not thinking of anything and nothing's going to happen? So why do I act more weird around girls than guys? I do find some girls really stunning, and I wouldn't mind doing it with them I think (but being a virgin I'm probably up for anything), but I dunno. I wonder if I might end up being more attracted to them soon. I do feel I'm having problems accepting being gay, even though I'm trying and no there's no rational problem with being gay. It just feels surreal that it's happening to ME out of so many others. And I worry about rejection from society and family. Some days I'm okay with the thought of being gay and others it makes me feel awful. So am I gay, and how can I better come to terms and accept it?

    My big issue though is that I'm going to university in a couple of days, and I don't know whether to come out from the start. I'm really terrified at the thought - I haven't come out to anyone so doing it to a bunch of new people seems scary and weird and I know it's stupid but I still have doubts that maybe I'm not actually gay and would then have to come out again. It seems really final. But I know the longer I leave coming out the worse it will get - having to tell friends that you're gay several months from now is so much more difficult than telling people from the outset that your gay if they ask. I'd have to worry about rejection (rather than being friends with people who accept me from the beginning), and having to keep secrets and tell lies because I'm hiding in the closet etc. And I definitely want to join the LGBT soc (and it's not a GSA sort of thing that is popular in the US where straight allies go so you're kind of pinning your colours to the mast by attending) because I know that's the best way to accept being gay by meeting others like me (including to date, yay!) and I don't think that can really be hidden from other people (people who go there will probably talk, gay club night pictures up on Facebook, people ask where you're going I'd have to lie etc). Part of me is also worried about saying "I'm gay" - I guess I've never really questioned that I'm attracted to other guys, but 'gay' feels like a social identity which comes with a ton of baggage and connatations (even though I rationally know this is nonsense and that there's nothing wrong with homosexuality) and just scary for all the consequences it means for the future. I'm not sure I could even deny it if someone asked me point black if I was gay anymore though. My head is saying that my life would be so much easier if I come out of the closet from the outset and I'll regret it in the months ahead if I don't, but inside I feel really anxious and nervous for the consequences. Ughh. Any advice please?

    Thank you. :slight_smile:
     
  2. olides84

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    OK, first off, you are gay. Not just likely gay, but most definitely gay :slight_smile:

    Now that that is out of the way, my question is if there is someone (a friend?) you know would support you that you could come out to first. Whether it's someone you know who is also going to your uni, or someone else. Because I think it would be good for you to get some support or have discussion with someone you know, since you still have a bit of uncomfortableness. Once you become more assured and comfortable with the fact that you are indeed gay, then I'd suggest yes, come out to people at uni, and the earlier the better for all the reasons you said.
     
  3. ukeye

    ukeye Guest

    Hey there,

    That was a great read and a fantastically honest first post.

    Your story sounds exactly like mine.. although I didn't come out till around 21/22. I'd say yes, you are gay. I have had that exact same thought process about girls.. how they just don't click although I can definitely appreciate a good looking woman.

    Our minds tend to over-think things on the matter of being gay.. Like if we take that step, that we will automatically become this new person. This is not true.. your sexuality is only a small part of who you are.. Don't let it own you.

    ^^ The above advice is great. Find someone very close that you trust and can discuss this with, and I would really suggest counselling. Come out on your own watch, and there's no need to worry about what others think.. If they are going to be awkward around you because of your sexuality, they probably aren't going to be very good friends, right. People don't go around announcing they are heterosexual now do they :slight_smile:.

    Its not an easy path, and it can be a lonely one if you tackle it on your own. The more support you have, the better off you'll be. And Although I'm only new to this forum, I can say from my own experience that the more you start accepting this part of yourself, the better life will seem :slight_smile:
     
  4. kylegf2011

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    I just wanted to say Im almost in the exact same situation than you, except I started university and I havent come out, for the same reasons you dont want to. I can almost assure you you are. I know exactly how you feel about the fact that it is happening to us when theres millions of people!

    I cant give you much advice cause Im still kind of struggling with it, but I know it makes me feel much better to see there are people going through the same stuff, so I hope it helps you in some way :slight_smile: