I know I've been asking you guys for help a lot of times these days but I've appreciated your help all the time. I'm going for another meeting with Mom counseling wise and I'm just not sure what I might want to bring up. On one hand my mother keeps giving me grief about my bf, how he doesn't look good, that he's not what she wants for me. And while in my other thread I'm not sure how my relationship is really going, none the less, her critiques are getting frustrating beyond belief. There's also the matter of her not wanting me out. She was frustrated enough about people knowing before her, namely all my facebook friends. But I mean she even had me take down my Interested In >_> I mean I know its not a big deal but am I wrong in thinking its a silly thing?
You're 23. The first thing I'd focus on is the fact that you're a grown adult, capable of making your own decisions. Your therapist should help you to reinforce to your mom that she needs to stop trying to make decisions for you, stop telling you what to do, and stop trying to impose her opinions when you've made clear that you hold different opinions. She has absolutely no business dictating who you are or are not out to, what you say or don't say on your Facebook page (as long as it isn't directly about her). And you're giving her that power by agreeing to change your "interested in" or anything else on your FB profile, or listening when she tells you she doesn't like your boyfriend, or whatever it may be. I'm not confident that she'll listen to the therapist, either, but the take-away here is it sounds like you really need to work on being more assertive and taking your independence and running with it. As long as you are seeking her approval and allowing her to dictate what you say on your own social networking profile, she's going to take whatever control you cede to her. So ask your therapist to help you start taking that control back so that you can live your own life the way you want to. And perhaps your mom needs to hear that living your life the way you want to may include making some mistakes. That's hard for many parents to hear, but it's really important to be able to grow and be fully independent.
Should I also bring up to her I left my job because I want to focus on school and extracurriculars since its my final year of Undergrad? She won't really be happy though hence why I kinda haven't just told her outright. I don't know how she'll feel because she hates it when I do leave a job because I dunno if me having a job was about me just not being in the house all the time, or if it was to earn money...because well...I'm pretty sure I'm more or less fine money wise >_> I still have a trust fund, and also money. So it's kinda like...err....what'll get me grad school Mom, fixing watches, or that I was VP in this group, and participated in this thing, etc.
I agree with Chip. You are 23 years old. Your mom shouldn't really have any influence in what you choose to do. I'm guessing you're therapist will tell her she just needs to lay off you and let you make your own decisions. I hope she will listen, but from the sounds of her she may not.
Basically, there is nothing to have to tell your mom about. You only have to tell her what you want to tell her. But I think you should stop censor yourself because you're worried about what her reactions will be. I know it's not easy, I have the same mom at home (well, fortunately, not at home anymore, but you see what I mean). You're 23. You're an adult. You're entitled to take your own decision whether about your love life or work or about who you want to be out to, and that's something your mom doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to know you're not a child anymore. She doesn't want to know that she can give you advice but can't decide for you anymore. She doesn't want to know there are boundaries she has to respect and that she can't be that intrusive. And as she has no wish to respect that she is now the mom of an adult and not of a child anymore, you have to set clear boundaries for her. That means, refusing to discuss with her things like who you're out to, or your love life for example. When she oversteps the boundaries, like when she is making comments on your boyfriend, you need to tell her that it's none of her business. Try to avoid anger and screams, because that means she has power on your emotions, even if only on negative emotions. Just say something among the line "It's not your place to make comments on how my boyfriend looks. That's rude and I'm not going to discuss that with you." If she keeps making comment, you leave the room. I know (believe me I know) it's not easy, because mother like yours exactly knows what triggers your emotions. You have played that game hundred times for years, even if none of you is aware of this, you both know your play to perfection. The only way to change this is for you to change the rules. That means staying calm, clearly saying "No, I am not discussing this with you. I can make my own decisions" and leaving instead of entering a fight. If you set new rules and refuse to play according with the old ones, she will have no choice but to adapt herself to your new behavior. That can takes months, but it'll be worth it. These are things your therapist can definitely help you with. I think it might be a good idea to request to see your therapist alone too, so that you can explain them what you want to change in your relationship with your mother. I know it's tough, but you definitely can make it. Take care, Cécile
Yeah only reason I haven't had another appointment is that I'm waiting for my OSAP (gov't funding) to come through. They'll pay for my counseling so I'm just waiting for it to come through.
