First, some background on myself; 22 year old newer officer in the military who is currently living abroad. I have only recently "come out to myself". To be honest, it was DADT going away that made me take a serious look at what my preferences are. I've had former girlfriends but have kind of known all along that I was just faking it because thats what I felt like I should do. Anyways, the question. I will be going back to the states soon and travelling around quiet a bit. During this time I'll have contact with the majority of my college/ highschool friends and my family over the holidays. I already know the question will come up, "So, have you found yourself a girlfriend in :***: yet?" This would perfectly lead into, "Well, actually I'm gay." If I were to come out I've decided it would only be to immediate family and my closer friends. I only foresee a problem with 2 people max (this is from a pretty large group). Also, should I tell the friends I have made here before I leave? I would like to start living my "new life" as soon as possible.. but like most people who have been closeted past their teens, I am nervous to take such a large step. I would like to do it in person, but I won't have a chance to see these people for probably another 1 1/2 years - 2 years (I will most likely live abroad for 4 more years!). Should I just do it? I mean, my closest friends at least suspect (they have often asked why I didn't sleep with <insert girl names>, an have actually asked me before. I'm very close to them).. but my parents may have no idea! And what about the people at my current base? I leave in one week, ahh! Thank you in advance for your help, advice, and stories!
I would reccommend coming out to your family and friends sooner rather than later it will feel much better, anyways do you really want to keep it in you for another 11/2 - 2 years?
Hello and welcome to EC! You seem quite determined to come out to family and close friends. Good for you! I was 21 when I came out to my parents and my friends, so I can understand your concerns. My parents didn't have any idea, either, and unlike in your case, it seemed to surprise most of my friends, too (although a few of them did hear the news, think for a moment, and then say, "Oh, I guess that makes sense..."). So, advice: I told my friends at University face-to-face, and my parents over the phone several months before Christmas. That wasn't how I planned to tell my parents; I had wanted to do it in person, but that didn't pan out (long story). I did, however, later tell my brothers in person. I think that telling them in person is a good idea, so seize the chance while you are at home in the States. As far as when during your visit home that you tell them, I think you should try to tell at least your parents and siblings either near the start of your visit, or near the end. Near the start gives you as much time as possible to be there to answer any questions family might have, or simply to spent time around them so they can see you haven't suddenly 'changed.' Telling them near the end of the visit gives the same chance to show you're not any different, gives you a little time to answer questions in person, but also lets you leave the house and go back overseas soon afterwards, and gives everyone some breathing space to adapt to the idea, and then you can do the follow-up discussion by email or phone. Just my thoughts on it. How you want to play it is entirely up to you; you know your family best, after all! As far as coming out on your base, that really depends. Its up to you whether you want to be out at work or not. From my own experience, being out at work doesn't matter all that much. I was out at one place that I worked, but not at another place. I didn't think I'd have any problems being out, it was just that it didn't seem relevant at the second place; I didn't socialise much with my colleagues there. I decided to be out or not based on how social the place was; being out at the first job was the easy decision. To stay closeted there would have meant lying when we all talked about who we were dating, etc. We didn't talk about that at the second place, so coming out wasn't necessary. But if I'm correctly inferring that you "leaving your current base in a week" means you will be deployed somewhere else, then you've got very little to lose to come out at your current base. If all goes well, you'll have made out gay service personnel a little more visible to your colleagues, and if it goes badly, you won't have to put up with it for more than a few days. But it seems to me that the more matter-of-fact somebody is when coming out, the less hassle they get for it. Again, welcome to EC, and best of luck with everything! Come back again for more advice, and let us know how things go!
Thank you for the advice! I'm actually not deploying, but will be on several different trips that take me away for 3 1/2 months. I then have another 1 1/2 years at my current base. Telling the friends is easiest, can do that no problem. I would like to tell the parents when I first get home, but we have so many events in the couple of days I'm back that I don't want to add anything extra. I like the idea of telling them the last night. Will let the sleep on it and ask lots of questions on the way to the air port the next morning. Haven't decided on work yet.. I think maybe only say something if it becomes appicable? I"m very social with those I work with, so I know it'll come out sooner or later. Thanks again! I actually feel a little... excited to do this. I'm sure when the actual time comes I'll be more nervous then ever before though!
First of all welcome to EC and thank you for your service. :smilewave My advice on how you should proceed on coming out is dependent on how comfortable you are about being gay. One of the best piece of advice I got when I joined EC is that coming out is not a race. Come out when you are ready to. Just because you are heading home, don't think you MUST come out to your parents and friends when you are home unless you are ready to. If you are I would come out to your parents first then your friends. As far as your work, its up to you. You may want to tell people in causal conversation and not make it a big deal. You can say "last night I went to a movie with my bf" something like that. What ever you do good luck! Let us know what happens.
If you feel it in the moment and you want to come out to them, then do it, because I really don't think you have anything to lose. Like EM said, coming out isn't a race and if you don't come out to them now you can always talk to them online, call them, send them an e-mail, skype them, whatever. You probably will be really nervous but trust me, just do it, because it's so liberating. You'll feel the difference inside right away. Good luck, and I hope everything goes well. Let us know how it goes? ^_^ Oh, and thanks for your service too by the way...
If your friends are already asking you if you're gay, I'd just take advantage of the DADT repeal steam and come out to them, honestly. Being out is so much better.
Thanks again for all the advice. I'll hopefully have a "coming out story" within a couple of weeks. I will try to not awkwardly rush it and wait for the right "moment" Thanks!
Hey, and welcome. That will be the main point of my post since I probably don't have much to add that hasn't been said. I think if you are leaving in a week anyway it doesn't seem to make a big difference either way if you wanna tell the people there, at least in your own life. The advantage is, it might give people there a positive gay role model and perhaps abolish some stereotypes. Still, its your choice and what's going to benefit you is what's important. I would probably at least tell your close friends that suspect anyway. Likely anyone our age won't be too bigoted about it. IF you feel you have a good opportunity too, I would tell your parents. Telling mine went HORRIBLY, and I really haven't had a single positive thing come out of it yet. Still, I'm glad I did about 6 months ago, because that means I'm hopefully 6 months closer to them accepting it then I would be if I decided to tell them today. I'm guessing since you've served in the military it will probably make coming out easier since people have a lot of respect for servicemen, and well... people will probably just think its cool that you are breaking stereotypes.
