Confused about sexual orientation. In desperate need of insight, please read!

I seriously need to talk to somebody about my seuxal orientation. I am a woman who considers myself heterosexual. I always imagined growing up and marrying a man, starting a family, and being in deep love. Even at very young ages I experienced sexual attraction to the opposite sex, and always had cute little crushes on boys (the blondes especially). But ever since I hit puberty, I began to notice that I would get anxious around attractive girls my age and older. I would get nervous around any attractive woman for that matter. I would blush easily upon confrontation. They were always somewhat socially threatening to me, possibly due to the fact that I wasn't really a "girly" girl.

At the age of 12, I had my first girl-crush. Her name was Sam. However, at this age, I NEVER considered being gay. I didn't make the connection that I had feelings for this girl. It was an unreal feeling. I would get butterflies by her. I did anything in my will to make her happy, or to be by her. She was always on my mind, but I did my best to try to not act creepy. There was nobody that I cared for more than this one girl, not a family member, not a friend, not a boy. After she left our school and I cried myself to sleep for months at a time, I moved on to another girl.

We became best friends. I felt happier than I ever had been, for I had a history of depression as a child. She changed my life and kept me going, I remember thinking to myself that she was my motivation to go to school, so I could be with her for that 45 minutes in art class. We would hang out after school every day. I remember everytime I saw her pass in the hallway, my stomach would drop. Keep in mind, ALL of my girl crushes were much more attractive/popular than I. I had a tremendous amount of envy for all of then. My envy is what I believe started it all for each girl. PS, to this day I have kept my feelings hidden, and have only fantasized about admitting my feelings.

As the years went on, I met other friends that I had things for. I noticed a pattern that every year, or every other year, I would fall for a different girl. It was the same feeling, different girl. Never men. Until I met Jake. Jake was the first man that I had deep emotional connection with (and was suprisingly the strongest and most intense connection I have ever had with anybody). He was my first love. It was stronger than any feelings I had for the other girls. For the duration that I had him, I had no girl crush. We dated for a year. I thought that my girl-crush phase was over, but I was terribly mistaken. I began another state of depression because of this. I want to love a man. To this day, I still have feelings for the same girl.

As you can see, I have strong feelings towards women. However, I have absolutely no sexual attraction towards them. I would love to cuddle and hug the girl I have feelings for, but I could never touch her in a sexual way. Its just not attractive to me. On the other hand, I have an extremely high sexual attraction towards men. I love sex. I love the male body parts. My sex drive is also very high (not uncommon for an 18 year old). However, I find myself the man in the relationship. I would never call myself a "slut" or "whore", but I have not found ANY man besides my first love that I have had emotional feelings for, so I often only have open relationships with men. Friends with benefits is all I can bring myself do. Men often get frustrated with me, and fall for me easily. I break hearts, unintentionally. But at the end of the night, I don't want them around. I rather be alone or with her.

I'm lost. I need someone to talk to. I need insight, a story that can relate, anything. Please help me! And if you got this far, thank you SO much for taking your time to read this.

You're awesome! (!)

 

I basically just get turned/ aroused very easily by a mans touch, and mainly his lower regions. For girls, I couldnt see myself going down there. But the girls just give me this feeling that only they can give me, besides Jake. The desire to always be with that one person, the chemistry, and the nerves. Some of my gay guy friends tell me that they think Jake is gay, and I've noticed that I'm interested in a lot of feminine guys. Weird huh? But to be honest, I cant really tell you why I fell for Jake, it just came naturally

 

To Jon Lex and Katt, thanks so much for the support, you guys are all so nice

I feel that comfortably, I could say that I am bi. But at the same time, even with all of the experience in liking girls, I still have never discussed my feelings for them, I havent had any relationships with girls, and I havent even flirted with a girl... Much too timid. But you guys are right, theres no need to jump to conclusions right now.

I also have this weird denial thing going on... its like, I would be perfectly okay with admitting to myself that I'm bi, but the thought of being lesbian scares me. I'm all for lesbians, no hate here, but I feel pressured by myself to fall in love with a guy. And so far, its been all girls besides Jake. I dont know if I make total sense right now, Im almost confusing myself haha. Regardless, I want to grow up and have a family with the love of my life. And as shallow as it is, I would feel ashamed if the love of my life turned out to be a woman. Its almost like a fear...

---------- Post added 2nd Oct 2011 at 09:31 PM ----------

And to you again, I totally relate to you in this aspect. I want to know exactly what it is. I find it very beautiful. I feel that the more I go in depth of understanding my sexuality, I can learn to love and accept myself even more (not that I dont now, cause I totally do). But most of all, its just plain interesting to me.

Thanks again, a lot, because this is the first step I have ever taken to truly figure out my sexuality, so Im super confused and new at this. I mean, I dont even know how to use this website to be honest haha. :icon_bigg

 

Same here, its like I have no problem saying that I like girls. But when it comes to the future, I'm really afraid that I'll never find someone (as in a guy) to settle down with. At least I'm only a first year in college haha, so its comforting to have so much time :eusa_danc

 

Did you and this guy have like, a natural chemistry? Or was it kind of one of those things when you're just flattered? Just out of curiosity

---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2011 at 09:47 AM ----------

Exactly! Random, but one thing that frustrates me is not being able to be like "damn" when I see a cute girl walking and I'm with my friends. Its so annoying! And most of the time I see more cute girls than guys. My girl friends will tell me to look over at some cute guy, but I'm totally not interested, and I have to pretend like I am

 

I had exactly the same problem. I accepted that I was bi then came out for the first time only about a week of two later. I hated the idea that I could be a lesbian and it honestly terrified me- the whole thing about not having a family, love of life, marriage. Then one day a little while ago I was thinking about it again and I realised that I could actually still have all those things. There's nothing stopping you, even if it may be a little more of a challenge, isn't it worth it if you're in love? I'll admit that I'm still scared, but I know that things will turn out okay.

It doesn't matter what label you end up taking as long as you're happy. Take some time and I pretty much garuntee that things will look brighter. Your brain can be a bitch, but it also can make us happier than we've even imagined. I hope everything works out (*hug*)

 

I have told my best friend about the girl that I'm interested right now, but he still thinks I'm straight because I haven't told him about anyone or anything else. He thinks that I'm just going through a stage... maybe this happens to other straight girls too? But anyway, I want to come out to him about my thoughts so far. Do you have any further advice on coming out?

And thanks a lot for the input! Never thought I could find people this supportive... weird huh