Hi everyone. I am having a very rough night and thought it might be a good idea to post some of my thoughts here. For me, most of my struggles with being gay have been accompanied by a deep feeling of anxiety. The anxiety often results in head fogginess and just negative thoughts (i.e. i will have a panic attack, the winter will cause depression). As I have recently began to address being gay more (telling a few friends and reading/watching videos constantly), I have become somewhat more depressed. I do not find going out with my friends to random bars, etc. to be as much fun as I once did. More so than anything though, this combination of anxiety/questioning/minor depression has left me feeling completely asexual almost. For the last few months I just don't feel like any type of sex drive whatsoever. Even if I see a good looking guy, its more of me noting that he is good looking and not feeling it in any way. I am just so fixated on the anxiety/depression that I cant seem to have a sex drive or anything. This has left me incredibly confused and has caused me to question how i will ever make it better. One of my major problems with being gay is my inability to see myself in a relationship with another man. Its as if I am sexually attracted to men but feel more of an emotional attraction (yet no sexual attraction) to women. Obviously, I know this makes me gay, but it also makes the idea of living a gay life seem almost impossible. How can i be in a relationship, if i cant have an emotional/intimate connection. Additionally, I have never even kissed another guy before so I cant picture the sexual part the well either. I guess I just feel so unbelievably frustrated. I just dont see how being further 'out' (meaning telling more people) will change any of the above problems. I also feel as if I have talked about it/read about being gay enough to have made some progress with the anxiety/depression surrounding it and with the comfortableness of being in a relationship with a man. Yet, none of this is happening. I just dont know what to do. (Just to note, i am 24 and came out to my first person a year ago. I also see a therapist so I just really do not know whats next).
Having a reduced or nonexistent sex drive is a common symptom of depression. So that's perfectly normal. The standard treatment for depression (and something that will help you work out your sexuality issues) is therapy. Many therapists charge on a sliding scale so that even people without much money can afford them. As to finding men sexually attractive and women romantically attractive, that's a common thought from gay and bi men just coming out. Our culture primes women to be nurturing, caring, and loving, and men to be the opposite. So it's easy to think that it's women you find romantically attractive when it's actually nurturing, caring, and loving people you find attractive.
Well, is there a direct link between your sexuality and the depression? Is it specifically the "I'm physically attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women, and so I don't see ever being in a relationship" thing? Or are there other issues - either that you can see, or that you're still unsure of - that might be weighing you down? Lex
Hi Njec11, Welcome to EC and thanks for this post. I feel the same way a lot of the time, and reading this just felt like how I've been feeling lately. It kind of is the anxiety felling the depression for me. Anxiety is a shocking thing, hey. It makes me feel like I need to be doing everything but can't get order from anything.. if that makes sense. And then I feel like you mentioned. Anyway, Im not hijacking. I might be right here, and I hope people can give us some advice further into this. I came out about 2 years ago, and have been experiencing this for about 6 months+. I think it is all part of the acceptance of your sexuality, and there is a period of grieving.. Then you realise.. "hey, all that scary stuff I had in my head before I came out was mostly misconception".. We live in a straight world, and being gay is not all that common and understood. I swear it is grieving, and I know it sucks. I guess Most ppl (myself included) have grown up with same sex attractions, and a pretty good certainty that they are gay. So maaaybe its been building up for so long and then your out, and suddenly.. oh You realise that it's the same.. Kind like if you've done a 360.. and the key is I guess to keep with the pace and start to be a bit selfish. Start saying OK OK you all know I'm gay, now its time for me to get on with the other important issues in my life with a clearer head then before. Its about accepting it for yourself, not about the people around us at all. I hope that this leads to a more confident outlook/ability to find people for the first time in our lives who are compatible.. this is where the anxiety stems from for me.. But hey, Im so glad you've posted this.. because I figure we have similar issues, everyone has them and no ones perfect.. we just gotta accept us for us and deal with problems as they come. I'm 25 - It would be interesting to hear an older guys perspective on EC, but from my older gay friends outlooks, it just becomes another quirk of life. The difference being that everyone is looking to find someone they are compatible with, but in the gay world they are few and far between.. but I'm lead to believe and stay in hope that exists :icon_wink
