So I've written out a statement that I'm going to give my girlfriend this friday. I want an opporunity to go over it with my therapist beforehand. Read it and tell me what you think. I've tried to be honest compassionate. Let me kinow if there's anyhting I should change. ----- So, this is going to be very difficult to say and even harder for you to accept. I am asking that you please read through everything here and then we can talk about it. This last week or so, I have been considering killing myself. It has been extremely difficult for me, and I haven’t had many resources to go to for help. On Monday I ended up calling a suicide hotline and they helped me out a lot. I’ve decided that I need to come out and tell you what’s going on. So, I’m gay. There’s no other way for me to say it. I keep trying to change who I am, and repress the feelings or thoughts I have, mostly because I want to be a good man for you, but also because I’m afraid of what this means for my life and especially my life with you. But doing this is killing me. I’ve tried to make excuses for what I am, and tried to hide from it. And it’s been 25 years now of denial and self-loathing and confusion. I’ve been able to think hard about this, and I’ve spoken with my therapist and some friends online, and there is no other choice for me to make but come out and be completely honest with you. I can’t be with you. I love you so much, and I don’t want to hurt you. I know that if we keep going like this I’m only going to be unhappy, which in turn will make you unhappy. I’m gay, and as much as love you and want provide for you, I can’t continue this relationship without resenting myself and lying about who I really am. You are beautiful and funny and smart. You deserve to be with someone who can fulfill all the hopes and desires you want to achieve in this life. It kills me to have to say these things, and my fear of having to do this has made me want to kill myself. I just don’t know what to do. The last thing I want to do is leave you alone, without support, and heartbroken. I don’t want this to tear us apart, and I still want to help you move into an apartment. I’m willing to move into a 2-bedroom with you, and try to become friends, which is all I can promise right now. I’m so sorry Holly. I love you more than anything, and it kills me to hurt you like this. I hope that you understand why I have to do this and that you can eventually forgive me. I love you. -Travis
This is a very beautiful letter Travis, and a very brave thing to do. I know it must be very hard for you to break up with your girlfriend and to come out to her, and I know you're going to face tough times, but be sure this is the best decision, for both of you. Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that might be useful for your girlfriend : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf This is something you may want to print for her and give her after giving her your letter. This had been very helpful to one of my best friend when her boyfriend broke up with her for the same reasons, I hope it could be helpful for your girlfriend too. Take care of yourself and please, keep holding on (*hug*) Cécile
Travis, this is a great letter, beautiful, kind, and thoughtful. I think it's fine as is, but if I were going to add anything to it, I might amplify a bit that she would be as unhappy in this relationship going forward as you would be. You've said that *you'd* be unhappy, and she'd be unhappy because of that, but I think you've missed the idea that this is, in the longer term, about her as much or more as about you, because she would ultimately be miserable in a loveless marriage, since you will never be able to feel about her the way she feels about you. Perhaps you follow that with reassurance that you genuinely care about her and enjoy her company, but just don't feel sexual attraction... not just to her, but to *any* woman. I don't feel like that has to be in there, but I feel like if you do put something of that nature in there, she'll be more clear that this is much about *her* long-term feelings as it is about your needs. I think that piece is important for her to understand. As Cecile said, you're taking the high road here. What you're doing takes a lot of guts and shows that you have really high integrity. It's definitely the right decision in my book. I know it's going to be hard... and it probably will be awkward or worse for a little while. But in the long term, both of you will be much happier.
I tried to convey that but I'll have to work it out a bit more. The whole reason I'm having trouble with this is because I want her to be happy. Thanks so much for the feedback.
Dhamma, Very inspired by you. As I've mentioned in previous posts, we're in a similar boat. I wish you the best, and I am here to listen and support as you take these steps. Your note looks great and thoughtful. I agree with Chip - might be better to work in how you are taking this step for her happiness, as the reality is, you ARE doing this for her happiness! The reality is, you'd probably stay on this path if it didn't involve so much pain to her down the road. Nonetheless, I think, with such a real step in your life, it's critical that the words and emotions are your own. Say what you feel. Also, on an unrelated note, per the suggestion of another EC reader, I started reading up on a little Buddhism. Best, M
I think the letter is very good. It was actually kind of emotional to read. I think it hits on everything that needs to be said, and does it in a way that shows how much you care, and how hard this for you. It is my sincere hope that she will see how much you care and that in some sense you can still be as close as you ever were, only this time as friends instead of lovers. Best of luck.
I think this is a beautiful, honest and thoughtful letter. I think you're very brave and I can tell that although however painful this is for you, you know that you are making the right decision for both of you. By posting this you will also be helping other people who are going through a similar situation. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and want you to know that no matter how hard this is for you now, you will be much happier in the long run if you take this step and live your truth. Best wishes
