What am I?

Hey, I can relate to how you feel A LOT (*hug*)

The only really difference is that these feelings didn't start when I came out about being gay. Just the opposite, I started to think I used to want to be a girl because I was gay and didn't accept it. Now I'm confused though. I don't know if I want to be girly because I'm gay, or if I'm actually trans and that's the reason I'm attracted to guys.

I really do want to be a girl, but I don't like hate my body. I don't even come across as gay to people let alone trans. Plus I've face so much difficulty since coming out, especially with my family. I can't even imagine if I had to tell people I thought I was trans.

Still, just know someone else out there is going through what you are. I truly hope you can discover what is best for you. Good luck.

 

i can relate a bit to your situation.

when i was little, i used to secretly wish I was a boy. i was a MAJOR tomboy. i hated pink, i hated dolls, i hated everything girlish. i always have thought that being a boy would be sooo much easier. you get to wear what you want, you don't have to worry about your appearance as much, and (as I became older and realized my attraction to girls) you get to have relationships with girls without being gay.

but the sole difference that makes me not worry about being transgender is that I have no aversion toward my body. I'm ok with being a little boyish-- just boyish enough so that my friends can understand the fact that i'm gay-- but I don't hate my female anatomy.

from where it sounds like you are right now (emotionally), it will probably take a little more time to figure it out. basically, the reason I talked about myself so much in this was to point out that it's ok to be a girlish boy or a boyish girl. If you want to shave off all your facial hair and wear girly stuff, then by all means.

--"Girls can like pretty things, cute things, and such, they can wear pretty clothes if they want, or boyish clothes if they want, and they can go around liking boys and nobody cares. More than anything else, I think I'm jealous of that last one."

this to me sounds like what you think it sounds like. the same as me, only reversed. your discomfort seems to be more societal based, not physical/psychological based. you're not comfortable with yourself because of the societal pressures around you.

i could be totally wrong. I'm not experienced in this area. so i think you'll just need more time to figure it out...

i'm sorry you're struggling. i feel for you. but things get better-- they always do.

 

Addie, I totally feel the opposite of you. I feel like girls have it so much easier in society. They can can be girly and all that, or if that's not for you you can be a tomboy and wear guys clothes and that's perfectly acceptable in our society. For guys to go against the norm is not considered okay or acceptable by our society. I feel like girls can do whatever they want and guys are limited to constantly striving to "be a man" or else people will think they are some kind of freak.

Just my thoughts though...

 

Well, honestly... if you feel like a girl and want to be a girl, my logic says you're a girl. However, maybe you should see a gender therapist and explore the matter. There's also a book called "My Gender Workbook" I think it's called; it was made to help people explore their gender (or lack thereof).

Try picking a new name and ask people online (maybe here?) to refer to you as a female for a while. See how it fits you. If you like it... stick with it for a while and see where it goes.

I don't think it's good to just pass your feelings off as jealousy. I used to HATE men. I absolutely loathed and hated them. I sneered and jeered and all of that, and I am ashamed now to say that. But as I explored the problem, it was because of jealousy-- I wanted to be them and I was angry that they got to be themselves. I played with trucks and Power Rangers and wore jeans... I wanted to be friends with mostly boys and have short hair and be your typical dude... and I wanted to be gay, not straight. I related to men as a man, not as a woman. Some might say "well you were just a masculine female who idealized gay men" but that is not the case. Thing is, only YOU can know, and often it takes some help to get to a point where you can admit to yourself that yeah, you're trans*.

And maybe you're not exactly transsexual. Maybe you're genderqueer or genderfluid, or are some other gender identity.

Do some research. Explore. Discuss. See where it takes you.

Yeah, it can be scary, but don't be so afraid of life that you don't live. :]

 

I don't know if this option is open to you or might become open to you at some stage, but I thought I'd put it out there.
It seems to be fairly well accepted for gay males to do drag. No one reads anything into it apart from the fact that they are gay. So if that was something that interested you then it might perhaps be a way to try out wearing women's clothing? I know there's a world of a difference, but if you end up in a situation where it's accepted (or potentially expected - we have quite a culture of obligatory drag here) then it might be worth perhaps treating it as an experiment?

 

The author is Kate Bornstein.

Amazon.com: My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely (9780415916738): Kate Bornstein: Books

Good luck on your journey!

 

I really want that gender workbook thing now. It seems like it could be really helpful for me... What SeekSanctuary said about pretending to be a girl online is really appealing me as well. I get a really good feeling doing stuff like that, but its mixed with a sense of embarrassment and shame.

---------- Post added 5th Oct 2011 at 07:19 PM ----------

Upon doing some quick research on that book, I REALLY want to get it, but I don't know if any book stores around me would have it... or even what category it would fall under in the store...

 

Anyone know how I could find this book. I've tried two book stores around here already and neither had it. I can't really have order it online either because I'm living with my parents and they are not okay with my being gay and all that.

 

Hiya . So, not sure how much help I can be, but I'd just like to say that I really can relate to your internal strife here. In fact, even as I'm sitting here writing this my mind is constantly jumping back and forth on whether I'm just jealous of women or legitimately trans.

One moment I'll be telling myself that it's jealousy since the reason I first started considering the possibility was a sexual one - that I merely continued to imagine myself as the woman in my fantasies because I was uncomfortable with my attraction to guys. But then the next moment I'll remember about how I always used to wish I could be more feminine, but knew I would be ridiculed if I acted as such. Then I remind myself that a wish to be more feminine doesn't necessarily mean I'm trans. And so on and so forth.

If there's anything I'm learning in these constantly muddled thoughts, though, it is that there is quite a lot of gray area in asking a question like "am I trans?" As such, I second seeksanctuary's advice of seeing a gender therapist, or really any therapist in general, to help sort out your feelings (if possible; if you're enrolled in a college they're usually free). Otherwise more research is certainly a good idea (one I need to get moving on). It sounds like you're doing better with this all though, so good luck!

Also, Jon: Most libraries (even ones in the middle of nowhere - which Des Moines is far from) have what's called an inter-library loan program, by which they can request books from other libraries if someone asks for something they don't have. If you're comfortable asking for that particular book at the front desk, I'd see about that. If not, maybe you could pay a friend (boyfriend, perhaps?) to order it online for you?