So. /deep breath/ This is really hard for me. I haven't said this to anyone else, but I swear I'm going to explode if I don't get it off my chest. I'm a lesbian. It's really hard for me to write that word. It's even harder for me to say it out loud in any but the most neutral context. I guess my first crush was when I was ten. There was this girl. She was blond and tall and pretty, and a year older than me. She had a bad day and I kissed her. After that, she wouldn't speak to me, and I didn't know why. I didn't exactly know what homosexuality was then, but I knew that it was a Bad Thing to like other girls. Especially since some people saw me kiss her and made fun of me for years. I told myself I just wasn't interested in relationships because boys didn't interest me. In high school, my friends teased me (gently) for being an unromantic. But while they were looking at the hottest (male) movie stars and saying 'he's so dreamy,' I couldn't see what made them attractive. One of my best friends was openly a lesbian, and I was fine with that. But where I couldn't hate anybody else for that, I couldn't let myself admit I was homosexual. My family was and is very traditionally religious. I have five younger siblings, several of whom I more or less raised. And my parents, though they're honestly good people, believe that homosexuality is wrong and deeply, and that gay marriage shouldn't be legal. I kept telling myself that I just wasn't interested in relationships and sex (despite a few dreams I had about sleeping with some of my female friends). I told myself I was asexual (I know that kind of thing is a disservice to people who truly are asexual, because they sometimes get accused of being a closeted homosexual, but it's what I told myself all the same). And I went on to a very traditional religious college. But I had a roommate in my second year. Okay, granted that someone you have a crush on is always going to seem absolutely stunning, but she was really beautiful. And I was undeniably in love with her. And it scared the crap out of me. Was I a bad person? Why couldn't I *fix* this? I'd tried everything I could think of, prayer and self-discipline and anything I could think of to try and make myself be not-gay. But I couldn't. I can't make myself like men any more than I could make myself grow wings. But here's the thing. I didn't just go to those religious schools because I was forced to. I believed it. I mean, I never hated gay people, but for myself...I've spent a long time being told that homosexual behavior is a mortal sin (something that you can go to hell for, for those who weren't raised Catholic). I'm not sure I believe in Christianity at all anymore (though that's outside the scope of this website), but it doesn't change how scared I feel, or the hours I've spent awake at night, not sure if I'm a horrible person giving in to the desires of the flesh or just someone with natural urges. And it also doesn't change the fact that I don't know how to tell my parents. I want to tell them. I hate living a lie. But I don't think they'll react well at all. I love my father more than anything. The person I am, I became because I respect my father and I wanted to make him proud. And I'm afraid he won't be proud of me anymore. I'm scared that maybe he won't love me anymore, even though I don't believe that's true. Even if I did something he believed to be horrible I think he'd still love me at least, because that's the kind of person he is. But I don't think he'd be proud of me. And most of all, I'm afraid my parents won't want me to have contact with my brothers and sisters anymore, because I'd set a bad example, from their point of view. I have two that I'm very close to, and it'd break my heart not to be able to spend time with them. But I also want to be true to myself, and I do dream about being able to have a deep relationship with a partner, and maybe have or adopt children someday. I just don't know what to do, or what to think. Thank you for listening, and I'd appreciate any support or feedback. I hate to whine, but I feel very, very alone right now.
Hi, and welcome to the website! I can relate a lot to your situation. I went to Catholic school for 13 years. Telling my mother I had a boy friend was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She hasn't been accepting of it, but she does still love me and I'm still welcome at home. Its more or less just made things kind of awkward between us. She did however tell me not to tel my sisters. I know you expressed a similar concern. I can't tell you what to believe for religion, I can only tell you how I've dealt with being "not straight" as a Catholic. I still believe in God, spirits (which I believe I've encountered), and an afterlife. I don't believe being gay is right or wrong though. In fact it helps people more than it hurts. We live in an over populated world and adopting a child and giving them a loving home is a much more morally founded decision then bringing another mouth into an already grossly overpopulated world. The fact is, Jesus never said ANYTHING about homosexuality. His was a message of love and acceptance. He welcomed whores and befriended them. Do you really think he'd care if someone was gay? I don't. The passages that attack homosexuality are in books that also condemn eating pork, shellfish, interacting with a woman while she is on her period, sitting on anything that a woman has sat on, etc. Things that no one cares about. In fact, abomination was a term for something that was against the Jewish culture, not immoral. Those passages derived form the idea that a man's seed was entirety of human life. They believe that the woman merely incubated the human that was already fully whole in the male, and that any means of sex that didn't lead to procreation were immoral because you were essentially wasting human life. Obviously we have intellectually surpassed these ignorant believe and they should not even be considered relevant by today's standards. I hope my little rant has helped. I truly wish you luck on your journey =)
gosh wingandaprayer, your situation is pretty much the same as mine, though i am the second youngest, i have 2 older brothers and a younger sister, family means alot to me and i love them heaps i myself found it hard to admit to myself i was gay, i went through what you are now when i was 12, i was scared, horrified and alone, it was something i just couldnt let out no matter what and it left me somewhat paranoid about the sites and things i looked at and making sure to clear the history. my advice is to take time to figure out who you are and be comfortable enough and accept yourself for who you are before you make any drastic measures, read up on things such as sexuality, discover some new things about lesbian relationships and the works. then when you are at a place you are comfortable, tell a really close friend or one of your siblings who will for sure keep your secret, its better not to suffer alone, let someone know, but only when your 100% sure that they wont tell anyone. i came out about last week and im still suffering the aftermath, my parents are religious and they think its a choice that im gay, my dad has even tried to match me up with other girls, saying im confused and that i wouldnt know if im gay if i havent been with a girl yet. my mum is on the same boat, but i can tell that she knows im not going to change and it makes her sad, other than my sister who knows im gay (and the most accpting) im to afraid to tell my older brothers and my parents wont let out because my dad thinks its a small problem he can fix. just hang in there, time will go by and you might be in a position where you can be like me and take a leap of faith, just know that your not alone and that many people here on empty closets have been where you are
Thank both you guys. @Jon Snow, the things about religion I know intellectually, if you know what I mean? I started reading up on it about six months ago. But an intellectual knowing doesn't always save you from the voices in your mind that tell you 'don't think about sex with a woman or you'll go to hell', etc., if you know what I mean? It's hard to deal with cultured attitudes, especially when you're still kind of mixed up about the whole thing.
wow, i can just imagine how hard this must be for you, i can relate becuase i was brought up in an Anglican Christian home with my mom ( my dad is evolutionist, but thats not important) and went to church as a young child and very religious schools. which emphasized homosexuality is a sin. and im starting to question my faith aswell. but yeah when i was younger (about 13) i thought about this girl in my class and what it woud be like dating her (from then i questioned whether it meant i was gay). Im also not into the idea of having sex with a guy, ive had relationships with guys, but was never physically attracted to them, just went along with what everyone else was. (i too have had a dream of sleeping with a female friend of mine once). my parents also believe homosexuality is wrong, and are against gay marriage. i have the same issue as u in that i have two younger siblings that i have also mostly raised and have the same fear that u do. i dont know how to tell my parents either, and the fear of dissapointing my dad, because im closer to him than my other 4 siblings. although this isnt much of advice, just telling u that ur not alone in this situation. one thing for certain though, u are not a bad person, ive also had fights with myself about being gay and only really accepted that i am last year. Good Luck. Im always here to help
Hey Wing, you shouldn't feel bad about knowing those things and still being unsure. I'm completely unsure. As much as I believe the things I said, I still have doubts. I still wonder what will happen when I inevitably die. Especially since I always used to be really religious, and still am very, "spiritual, moral, ethical" whatever you wanna call it. So when I was younger and I knew I was attracted to guys, I just told myself sex wasn't important, and I'll just ignore them and be with a girl to be on the safe side in case it is wrong. Well, then I kind of came to the realization that blind faith is dangerous, and I should live according to my own ethical code. So that's why I think it would actually be wrong of me to not fight for what I believe is right. Not just to help me, but to help others like me. ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2011 at 01:37 AM ---------- Sadly, before I came out, pride is a word I associated with ass-less leather chaps and parading down the street with rainbow flags rubbing your gayness into other people. Now, I'm not hating on pride parades, I'm sure they are quite fun. What I think someone should really be proud of is having the courage to be out and be a positive role model that represents the LGBT community in a good light. Also sadly, I've kind of become turned off to organized religion. I still believe in God and all that, but I think organized religions have been very harmful to our society. Its led to the crusades, and persecution of almost every minority in history. Not to mention fueling ignorance on widely proven scientific beliefs like evolution. Back in the day you could have been killed for believing the Earth rotated the Sun. My point is, you should stop working about what some old human being in Rome thinks about you, and start worrying about what a real higher power would think. Do you really think God would be all bent out of shape with who you love just because you can't reproduce and make this bloated world even more stressed? I don't. You have every right to be proud of who you are. It just takes a lot of courage and time to realize.
Reading this made me smile. I know it's all bittersweet...finally accepting a part of yourself you have been denying and having to accept the somewhat frightening reality of this realization (redundant, i know). Congratulations on taking that first step which so far on my journey I think has been the most pivotal. it is the catalyst for everything else that will follow and i know the saying "it get's better" sounds cliche but i truly believe it does. and it will. As far as your parents go... unfortunately they likely will not immediately accept this part of you but in my opinion there is no need for you to tell them at this moment. Especially if they are only going to say/do things that will push you back into the closet (the one you hid from yourself in). Instead I suggest taking some time to explore your sexuality. When I finally came out to myself fully I loved exploring all things queer/gay. It was a time for me to make sense of my feelings as well as realize that they were very natural and shared by others. I'm still somewhat in the stage but I've also taken steps towards being more out. But I'm glad that before I came out to others I gave myself time to process things for myself. Everyone has different needs though. I've always dealt with all my problems on my own and it hasn't always worked out in my favor but ultimately this is what works best for me. Good luck to you and I hope you will continue to share with us.
Yeah, that's the thing, you know? I don't think it's bad, but what if it is and I'm just digging myself into a hole? I mean, I don't hate anybody else, but it's scary to make decisions for yourself. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's like...wanting so badly to find out more about other homosexuals and their experiences, etc, and also being scared that it's making me a bad person to even consider having a same-sex relationship. Still, I'm hoping to come out to my parents next June, hopefully, and maybe meet more like me in grad school.
Well let me ask this. Can you think of any reasons why homosexuality is wrong, aside from the fact that you heard it is? I cannot think of one logical reason why it would be.
Yea I agree with Jon. Besides, I seem to recall that the heart of Catholicism is loving God and your neighbors. I don't see why true, unconditional love has to be limited to a person of a certain gender or orientation. I used to be a firm catholic as well (heck... I taught Sunday school for two years and cantored in my choir) but now I've been put off by the vast amount of homophobia that permeates throughout the community. Like I have kind of expressed, I do still believe in God and the core teachings, but the church itself I feel is too corrupted with human prejudice and interpretation. By me, I live a full, honest life and do my best to help out a neighbor in need. I do not see my love for other men as a sin.
Hi there Wingandaprayer, and welcome to EC. Hopefully you're coming to realize that at the very least, you're not alone. Others have walked this path before, and come out just fine on the other end. The other thing I'll say is that we tend to expect the worst when we contemplate coming out to people and rarely do we experience it. Your parents aren't going to be happy that you're gay - that we know. But at the other end of the spectrum, I can't imagine they'd isolate you from your own siblings. Even if they tried, your brothers and sisters are also their own people, and they know you're a good person, so I can't imagine they'd go along with that. But there's no set timeline for you to follow. So take your time, and get comfortable with the fact that you're gay first - before coming out to people who will challenge you on that. The better you feel about it the better those discussions will go. I hope you find some of the strength and hope that you need here in EmptyClosets.
I was always taught that it was wrong because sex has a purpose, which is procreation (also why birth control was taught as wrong), and to have sex without being open to that purpose is wrong. That's the only thing close to an explanation I can think of. But (assuming we stick with teleology, the philosophical system that assumes that everything has a purpose), there's some rational problems there. For example, mouths' primary purpose is for eating. Gum involves chewing and flavor without actual nutritional value. Does that mean chewing gum is a sin? That's just assuming that you do subscribe to teleology, which most westerners discarded around the beginning of the Enlightenment Era (it wasn't a big thing in eastern philosophy to begin with as far as I know). Other than that, I can't think of any rational reason why homosexuality should be bad, as long as both partners love each other.
That's actually a really awesome analogy. I also got the whole condoms are a sin thing in my religion classes. Again, there's really no reason aside from its "unnatural." But its a piece of rubber. I'm sure there lot of more technologically advanced so called "unnatural" things the church has no problem with. Also, the context of the times the things in the bible were written should be taken into account. Back when Leviticus was written, the Greeks had lots of man on man sex. They had no concept of the homosexual though. Instead, older men would court young boys. To not be able to attract an older man was shameful. After the man got married and started a family, he would often find a younger boy of his own to have sex with. Also, the older man was required to fulfill the dominant role. The concept of having a true sexual orientation didn't really come about until the Industrial Revolution. As such the writing in Leviticus against sex with men was more of a way of separating the Jewish culture from the other's around them.
I honestly think the Bible and its meaning is up for interpretation its all in how you the individual sees it! As for being homosexual and it being a sin it maybe it is maybe not but from what I know about Jesus he was always the one who stood up for the "outcast"! I find it hard to believe as a Christian that you would be turned away from heaven just based on whom you love! I think JC wouldn't turn his cheek or condemned someone because they love a certain sex! Faith is always a struggle no matter what your orientation. Just remember there are people Ms.wingandprayer who are just like you going through the same problems don't get discouraged! I always try to remember the saying that " God doesn't shut one door without opening another!"
