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am i unsure?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by openlydenying, Oct 5, 2011.

  1. openlydenying

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    How is it possible to deny something to yourself that you know is true.....and yet there is still some doubt?
    I'm 26 years old and as far as i can remember, my sexuality is something I have always privately questioned. When I was a teenager, it wasnt that I was interested in girls, only that I wasn't interested in guys in the same way that everyone else seemed to be. From that time (maybe when I was about 14) I told myself that I really didnt want to be gay - and therefore I wouldnt be. Ever since then, I think i've been hiding it to myself.

    The strange thing is that it should be easy for me to admit it, both to myself and to others. When I first started to go out clubbing and dancing etc, we always went to gay clubs - and where most of my friends would experiment with the same sex, i never could and always asserted that 'i just wasnt attracted to girls'. I just dont know why I do that, its like shooting myself in the foot. I am so good at convincing people of this that I even managed to convince myself! I have struggled with having any kinds of relationship (although have many very good friendships) but, what i have had as always been with guys. The longest though was only about 4 months. That was 5 years ago and since then I have only had very casual relationships or ended up having one night stands. Every time I do this, I feel like I want to at the time. I enjoy kissing guys and I feel turned on by it, but I have to admit to myself that when we end up having sex, I never really enjoy it and almost see it as something I need to go through with because I've let the situation get to that point. (im really aware that that isnt a healthy way to look at things and I should never have sex if i dont want to) Anyway, I almost feel that I go through the sex, just to get to the cuddling part afterwards and the intimacy which is what I really crave.
    I find myself looking at women more and more now although I dont know if its sexual feeling I have towards them. In fact, when I masturbate, I dont actually think about either gender, or anything at all. I have always tried to picture men (and men that i fancy - or at least think i fancy) but it never really works. Recently, I have tried thinking about women but cant keep that image either (although I dont know if im just too scared to really allow myself to.)
    So, I keep telling myself that im not gay. But at the moment, everywhere I am and whatever im doing, the idea just keeps coming back into my head. Its at the point now where I cant concentrate on or enjoy any situation or conversation because its all i can think about. In the last month, all this thinking became so unbearable that I finally took the step of booking a therapist. I had four sessions and somehow never even managed to bring up the topic of sexuality. We ended up just talking about family relationships the whole time. Which are important, and which I probably needed to talk about. But, I know that they are not the thing that i REALLY need to talk about right now.
    The problem is, now I am back in Spain (where i have been living for the past 2 years) and Im not sure if i will be able to find an English speaking therapist. and, even if i could, whats to say i would admit it to them. And, if im going to admit it to someone, why dont i just tell a friend.
    Im sure, that most of my friends and family would be completely supportive. I think that the real reason I dont want to say anything to them is that then I will feel pressured to do something about it and I just dont feel ready to do that yet. On the other hand, keeping all these thoughts inside is destroying me. I cant eat, cant sleep.......

    I think that this post is a bit of an incoherent rant - im sorry if it doesnt make sense. But I just needed to write some of these thoughts down.
     
  2. coquelicot

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    I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice or if you just wanted to get this off your chest, but I’m worried because you say that you can’t concentrate, sleep, eat or enjoy life because of this. A couple months ago I was in a similar psychological place, so I know how terrible you must feel. It’s difficult to do even the simplest thing when you’re plagued by doubt and anxiety. But, even though it’s hard and scary, I strongly suggest that you try to find an English speaking therapist and tell him/her what’s going on in inside. That’s what helped me. The advantage of telling a therapist, not a friend, is that it’s confidential and a good therapist will not judge you or expect you to do anything before you’re ready. Also, if you feel like you made a mistake after telling the therapist, you don’t have to back and see her/him ever again. I think taking some action will help you. Otherwise, the thoughts will just circle around in your head and drive you crazy.

    This may or may not help, but one thing the therapist told me was to stop analyzing and second guessing myself, and concentrate on what my intuition was telling me. Your “gut” is what tells you what you want. Your mind can help you figure out how to achieve what you want, but no amount of thinking will tell you what that is. My gut tells me this is good advice. (Hard to follow, though.)

    Actually, now that I read this again, I get the feeling that your gut is telling you to tell someone (you booked an appointment with a therapist and knew what you REALLY wanted to talk about, even though you couldn't do it.) If that's the case, trust yourself and do it. It's easy to talk yourself out of it, but I think you will feel better if you listen to your instincts and not your doubts.
     
  3. openlydenying

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    First of all, thank you so much for replying. To be honest, im not sure if im looking for advice or if i just needed to write it all down. Actually, after posting this on here, i copied and pasted it into an email to a friend at home (in England) but I havent heard back from her yet.
    As I mentioned before, I have just come back to Spain where I have been living for two years and where in all other respects I have a pretty good life. However, I was meant to come back to my job a month ago and postponed it as I had sunk into quite a depression whilst in London (summer holidays, i work as a teacher here in spain)
    The reason I stayed in london for that much longer was to 'deal' with this depression that had come over me and see a therapist etc....but after a month there, i felt completely in limbo and isolated myself more and more. So.......I felt that the best thing to do would be to come back to my life here (I came back yesterday)
    I have so many friends here, and they were all so excited to see me yesterday but i just cant reciprocate the feeling.

    I feel now that i dont really want to be here....or in london either. I think that I will have to share what is on my mind with people here because i just cant continue as i am - today I have done nothing but sit looking at the computer, and reading messages on here and also depression forums and smoke continuously. My appetite is non existent, I have a headache and all i want to do is sleep.

    Im trying to look into finding a therapist here, but i think it will be difficult to find an english speaking one. I speak Spanish fairly fluently but its not my native language. Has anyone had any experience of therapy in a non-native language.

    At the moment im having problems thinking straight at all and my gut seems to tell me different things at different times and relating to different aspects.

    When I imagine lying in bed with someone and spooning - it is a man that i imagine. I dont really have sexual fantasies strangely enough. but somehow, when i imagine spending my life with someone who really gets me, it feels more like it would be a woman.

    I also cant separate if i look at women becuase i think they are attractive and i would like to be more like them, or if its that I am actually attracted to them.

    The problems of questioning myself are completely tied up with feelings of extreme loneliness and depression and i cant separate the issues out.

    I dont think ive really made anything clearer here to anyone reading or to myself......but maybe someone will have a bit of insight?!
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC.

    Here's what I would suggest. Stop agonizing over this for, say, 2 weeks. Instead - assume that you're gay. I'm not saying you are, or that the decision is final, or that you have to do anything about it. But just assume for the next 2 weeks that you are, and see how you feel. Don't fight it. Don't second guess it. Don't worry about it. Just go with it. Tell yourself once in a while that you're gay - see how it feels. Check out other women without beating yourself up about it.

    And after a couple of weeks, think about how you're feeling. Less stressed? More stressed? Maybe at that point you'll have a better sense as to how you should proceed.
     
  5. coquelicot

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    I'm glad you felt like you could send this to a friend back home. Maybe you've heard back by now. I hope you got a positive response.

    I think Jim1454 made a great suggestion. If your gut isn't telling you anything, or giving you conflicting information, then chose a position and see how you feel about it. You're not committing to anything, just giving yourself a chance to relax and explore your response to different possibilities.

    Also, please try to eat something, even if you don't feel hungry. It's hard to feel stable on an empty stomach. I had some fantastic meals when I was visiting Spain, so I urge you to take advantage of it.
     
  6. DhammaGamer

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    I agree with Jim1454. One of the turning points for me was when I stopped doubting and questioning myself and even for one day just said "I'm gay." It was like "trying it on," just to see how it feels. And then I went from there. If it feels right then keep going. The thoughts and feelings you're having are identicle to thoughts and feelings I have had. It's okay to be confused.
     
  7. openlydenying

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    Thanks for your replies. My friend sent me a very long and very supportive reply...as I knew she would really. Im very lucky in the sense that im certain almost everyone I know would really be supportive and also not care all that much, including my family. The person it is most difficult to be honest with is really myself I think.
    Today, im feeling a lot better than yesterday - and have my appetite back a bit. I will try to be honest about how im feeling to a few people that I know here so that I have people I can talk to face to face.
    Its just strange to suddenly see yourself in a different way and face up to the fact that you have possibly been lying/ hiding things from yourself for so many years. Incredible how the human brain is capable of that.
    Thanks again for the support.