Coming out and the right time...

That is exactly how i felt. My heart wouldn't stop pounding, like for days.. and the only way to stop the anxiety, was to speak to my closest peeps.
Best of luck Aiden! (*hug*)

 

Because I'm still in the process of coming out, I experience those feelings almost on a biweekly basis. And then I tell a few more people who I trust.
It's definitely getting easier because I have growing base of support from friends who already know, but my heart never fails to feel like it's going to drum out of my chest before the 'speech'

I used to argue with myself that it was too final and that i needed to be absolutely sure before I took that step. But really, there's no other way to know until you fully embrace it and see. I'm guessing though that, being at this stage, you're probably sure about it deep down and just need to come to terms with it yourself.

 

I don't think that straight people ever agonize over whether or not they're gay. It simply never enters their head. So I don't think there's likely much chance of you being just 'confused'. Instead, it's a matter of you getting comfortable enough with the thought for you to accept it and move on.

I think we all find that we come out when staying in the closet it more uncomfortable than coming out of that closet. And perhaps you're at that point with your sister. It's more uncomfortable being in the closet (at least when you're with her) that it would be if you were out to her. And if that's the case, then it's time to come out for sure.

I don't want to make lite of this either. I totally understand how big a deal this is, and how you want to be sure that you're handling it correctly. But you can never be 100% sure about anything in life.

Good luck!

 

Aiden - I'm right there with you. Today, I just feel like I'm bursting at the seems, I want to tell somebody, especially someone who I can trust and who would be supportive. Unfortunately, there is no one that really fits that bill in my life (aside from my girlfriend and mother - both of whom telling would involve some other delicacy) at the moment. Your sister sounds like a great person and someone who can be of immense help to you. Rather than tell her because you are feeling "you have to" right now, maybe resolve to yourself that you plan to tell her soon. Think about how and when and what sorts of things you want to communicate to her. Then, when you are together, and the time is right, you share this with her. Of course, I'm speaking from ZERO experience, so take my advice with a grain of salt. It may be better to just tell her. I think resolving to tell her and working towards that might alleviate your anxiousness and allow you to do so in a more effective manner, fwiw.

Jim, your comment hit home with me. The reality is, straight people are very unlikely to agonize over this. I thought, maybe because I worry about everything, maybe because I had a bad childhood, maybe because I was a late bloomer in my relationships with women. I'm having these thoughts because very likely I am gay, bi, or something other than straight. As you said, I need my head to catch up to this rational realization, so that I can be more comfortable with it,

 

I didn't feel like I had any other choice. I was so tired of being in the closet, that like Jim said, I was at the point where it was better to be out than to be in.

I agonized over many of the same things before I first came out - I know we've spoken a bit about them. I was so fearful of people not seeing me in the same way, of losing that image that I had so meticulously maintained over the years. But I realize now that the image really isn't worth maintaining. I feel so awesome when I'm around people I've come out to, because I know I don't have to hide anything or worry about saying the wrong thing, and perhaps most importantly, I know they love and accept me for who I really am.

How do you know the time is right? It's different with everyone. Eventually, you'll reach your internal tipping point, and know that the time has come. And you won't be completely sure - I definitely wasn't. But you'll be sure enough to say what needs to be said, to do what needs to be done.

 

First things first. There is no "right time" other than when you feel you're ready. Personally, I'd say you're ready when it's something that actually is affecting your life, which it seems like it now is for you. You will feel a billion times better after doing it. The image of who you are isn't gone forever once you come out. You are yourself. Being gay is just a small part of all the amazing things that make you YOU. Coming out will change far fewer things than you think.

It took me until 22 years old to completely come out of the closet, and I am still every bit the person I was when I was a kid. My future is a little different than I thought it would be, but I also go to school for art, and I never thought that would happen either.

I think you'll find that coming out is an addictive thing. Once you get it off your chest, you never have to do it again for that person. There's a possibility they might not be 100% comfortable with the idea right away, but trust me, they will come around.

You also can't base the "right time" off of other people. You have to do it when it's right for YOU.

 

I'll add my voice to the choir: when you start really preparing to come out, it's a sign you're ready. Of course, if you've never come out before, it's always going to seem daunting.

First few times I saw an opportunity to come out, I didn't take it. I just felt my heart beat in my throat and tried not to hyperventilate. Then, there was one evening where I said: "okay, Filip, you can't keep this tension up. No matter how this guy responds, it's going to be better than agonising over what could happen".
And then I told him and he said the only thing he cared about was whether I felt better now I told him. Kind of anticlimactic, really


Similarly with my brother. I was in a car with him and he was joking how he kept the fact that he had a girlfriend hidden from me for so long. He said he always thought that as the older brother, I had to bring a girlfriend home first.
Cue, once more, two minutes of blank stare from me, after which I felt like the only way was forward.
His reply: "oh, that explains.. a lot, really. Don't worry, though, I'll supply mom with grandkids then "


So yeah: I don't think it will be too much different for you. Your sister seems like the perfect person to come out to first. And after that, it does get easier.

There is no "perfect moment", though. Best way I ever found is to decide you're coming out, and then shoehorn it into conversation as soon as you're reasonably alone with the person you want to come out to. Making a real resolution to come out makes it harder to pull back last-minute.

You can do this, though, I don't doubt that for a second!

 

Filip you are the best writer on this messageboard. Love reading your posts.

I'm in that state of really preparing myself right now. Yikes. The funny thing is, at this point I don't think I can go back deeper in the closet. The only way through is out at this point. Scared as heck though.