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Telling my ex girlfriend I'm gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Cook, Oct 5, 2011.

  1. Cook

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    Hi everyone. It's my first post! I've started coming out to people in July and by now all my family and closest friends know I'm gay. The thing is I broke up with my last girlfriend almost a year ago but we kept seeing eachother through summer (peruvian summer, from december to may). She's a really beautiful girl, in every way and that's why I think it's gonna be too shocking for her to know. I have to tell her because I've started coming out to some people in my university and I can't be completely open about my sexuality because I'm afraid she'll find out and be hurt. And I thought it'd be better if I tell her myself, 'cause I figure if she finds out any other way will be harder to take, right??

    Has anyone been through this?? I've been thinking about how to tell her but I'm confused. One of my friends told me I should tell her I "turned" gay because if I let her know I was with her just to try to be straight, she'll feel like an experiment or something.

    So, what do you think?
     
  2. stilllovelyafte

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    Congrats on the steps you've taken so far.

    I am struggling with telling my CURRENT girlfriend the truth, so I can relate to the underlying issues.

    I can't help but disagree with your friend. For one, if you are trying to be truthful with her, you should try and be truthful with her - you know you did not turn gay, and most likely, she knows that as well.

    Second, it raises more questions: if you "turned," did she turn you? I think that's a much more distressing thought.

    Finally, as you know, all of this is incredibly complex. While you may have had an idea you were gay, you were still working it out. You were 20 years old. You did not consciously set out to hurt or deceive her.

    Of course, take my advice with a grain of salt, but I would let her know you are gay, it's something that, for a variety of reasons, took you a while to fully understand, and more importantly, accept. Now that you have accepted it, you want her to know the truth, to hear the truth from you, and to know she can count on you as a friend.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC!

    Congratulations on coming out to some people. That's awesome.

    In my books, honesty is the best policy. I DO think you should tell your girlfriend, before she hears it from someone else. But I DO NOT think you should tell her you just "turned" gay, for fear of her thinking that it's somehow her fault.

    The fact of the matter is that you weren't intentionally 'experimenting' with her. (At least I hope not!) Instead, like most of us, you weren't sure of your orientation and you did the kinds of things that society expected of you - like have a girlfriend. I'm also assuming that you did like her in many respects - and it wouldn't be a bad idea to tell her this again. You'd be telling her this news because you like her, and respect her, and care about her feelings. If you didn't care, you wouldnt' care how she found out...

    Good luck with that.
     
  4. Cook

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    Thanks a lot!! I'm gonna try doing it next week!
     
  5. Sharkattack2222

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    I agree with the others. I think she would be more upset if you told her you "turned" gay. She will think it was her fault and feel lousy about herself regardless of whether or not it was you who broke up with her, or her that broke up with you in the first place. She will think that she did something wrong when really you have been gay all along, just in denial or confused about how you were really feeling.
     
  6. the ex of your

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    congratulations for having the courage to! I recently help a friend realize that her boyfriend now her ex, is gay and not true to her nor himself. He's an electrical engineer who's a property manager in the condominium I was living and I noticed he's stalking me and wanted to visit me on my unit when I am alone. I'm a model and this is not unusual for me as many well known personalities tried to offer me indecent proposals. At that time I didn't know that he is the boyfriend of my girlfriend's bestfriend. I've been telling my girlfriend about this guy who's stalking on me whenever I go to the gym of the condominium. Later on she introduced to me the guy, she's my bestfriend's boyfriend. I just smiled but I am bothered for her bestfriend. My girlfriend said they are planning to open a joint account and plans to get married soon. The poor girl deserved to know the truth so I told her. I learned later on that she broke up with the guy upset that although everyone was telling her that her boyfriend is gay yet she still don't want to believe because the guy claims to be a chrsitian. Later on I found out that he resigned in the condominium because everybody knew that he's gay and he can't afford to let her family know who lived around the vicinity in Mandaluyong. He maybe scared of his mom's reaction since they are very conservative. He is still courting girls now to cover up his hidden self although he's more agressive with his gay flings.
     
    #6 the ex of your, Sep 22, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2012