I've recently been making friends with a new group of girls who are mostly gay or bisexual. It's a whole new thing for me - in the last three weeks I pretty much went from knowing no gay girls to hanging out with them a lot. But, I'm still in the closet, and still a bit nervous and scared about the whole thing. It's definitely cool to hang out with them, and I've felt really good and more like myself than ever before, but I've been keeping my cards pretty close to my chest (or so I think). I know they are probably wondering if I am gay...they must be. Actually they were discussing this new girl they met that was gay and had a girlfriend, and directly after, one of them asked me "So what about you? Are you dating anyone?" And I was just like noooo in a nonchalant way. But it definitely seemed like she was trying to get clues. I've been trying to dress more tomboyish and give off as much of a gay vibe as I can, but who knows if they have picked up on it. I have not said I like any guys. They talk very openly about it, I just don't know what to do. One of them will often talk about a girl she thinks is hot, or two girls she thought were lesbians and she was right. I just kind of go with the flow of conversation, trying not to let on that I'm gay but also not saying I'm straight either. Should I just insert "well she's hot" or something into a conversation? Ahh. It feels so weird. I wonder if they think or assume I'm gay because I keep hanging out with them? But I'm not sure. We were at a house party and a bunch of guys came in, and one of the girls goes "great, gay girls and a bunch of dudes." That was the first time I've ever felt like I was associated as being gay, I don't know if she was including me in that statement or not, but I didn't argue. I'm kind of stuck. Maybe I just need to get used to myself more? I want to come out to a gay guy friend who I've known for a while first, maybe that will help. Having a hard time getting him alone though he's busy. This seems silly to post about...but it's actually kind of stressing me out because I want them to know. I just don't know how to do it. I'm sure it will shake out one way or another, but just looking for any insight if anyone has it.
The first person I came out too is a friend of mine who is pansexual. I chose to come out to her first because I knew she would be the most supporting. It is easier coming out to some who isn't straight because you don't have to worry about the backlash. They have already been there and know how hard it is to tell people. I say just tell your gay guy friend and then tell the girls. I am sure everything will turn out great for you.
I chose my gay roommate to come out to first, simply because I knew that he would not judge me. Once I had a little self-confidence from coming out to him, it was easier to approach my family about it. So I say coming out to gay friends is a good thing, I only wish I'd done it in high school or college.
I don't see why it would be an issue telling your friends. There's no reason that they wouldn't be completely supportive. When I was on a support line the other day about coming out the girl told me that most poeple are pretty intuitive about these sorts of things. She said "Imagine a fat person who you've known for a very long time. then suddenly one day he comes up to you and goes, 'I've discovered something about myself and I have to tell you ... I'm fat.' It's the same way regarding your sexuality." When I told my sister I was gay, she was like "yeah, and?" Some times the people you're close to know you better than you know yourself. You shouldnt be afraid to tell the girls that your gay. You will finally be able to express yourself the way wish to. Be brave!
That does sound like a stressful situation. It would be great if they would just pick up on your vibes and you didn’t have to say anything at all, but, unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to happen. In general, people are pretty self-centered (I don’t mean that negatively. I mean, we pay attention to ourselves more than anyone else does because we have to live our own lives, right?) so you might have to spell it out for them. Even if they have picked up on the hints, they may feel it’s intrusive to ask (or they don’t want to make an incorrect assumption) and figure you will tell them when you’re ready. If it feels weird to make casual comments, like “she’s hot,” then maybe you could chose one or two girls in the group whom you feel closest to and tell them in a more private setting. It can be a big deal to reveal something like that to other people, even to other gay people, so maybe you could invite her/them to your home or a quiet restaurant where you can have serious talk. Would that feel more comfortable to you?
They probably already know because well like DhammaGamer said, a lot of people know you better then you know yourself. But if they don't already know they won't have any issue because they are the same and they've gone through the same things you are going through. I came out to one of my friends a few months ago and she told one of her friends who lives in a different state whom I've only seen a few times. Her friend was like yeah I already knew. I was like :jawdrop: I guess her boyfriend has amazing gaydar or something, which totally isn't fair. The last time I saw them was a few years ago, so they knew way before I admitted it to myself. The point is a lot of people know already and accept you.
If you can't bring yourself to tell anyone in person, you can definitely tell them in whatever way will work for you. Most of my friends found out about me via text message. It went something like "I am a traumatized, repressed lesbian." They texted me back and forth all day. It went very well, and these were my straight friends. Of course, I had chosen my friends wisely. I wouldn't recommend text messages as a way to come out to people who you expect will react badly, but that is not what you are talking about. Pick someone who's safe to come out to, and send a message saying something like, "I'm a lesbian. I've never told anyone." This will be enough information for them to know how to respond. I was in my late 20s, too, when I was first coming out. I know I had a lot of trouble telling people, even when I knew they would be supportive. When you know the people in question will accept you, the thing is just to do it, however you can. The first time is hardest. Don't worry about gay people wondering why you didn't tell them right away. They know why; we all know why. It sounds like they are wondering about you, rather than like they know. But they will probably never ask, unless one of them is interested in you. It's sort of "not done." I think for me, it would have been a lot easier if someone had asked. I'm kind of shy, and I never knew how to start the conversation. But once you're out, you should be able to go back to wearing whatever clothes you like and feel the best in. If "tomboy" is something you have to do on purpose, it probably isn't going to read as queer anyway. That "gay vibe" you're talking about has more to do with unconscious mannerisms than clothing styles. Let us know how it goes!
Thanks for the advice. Yeah I don't think anyone is going to flat out ask me. I guess I just need to tell my gay guy friend first...get over that first obstacle. I just have to hang out with him alone. Maybe tomorrow night. And I know he will be supportive...but it's definitely still hard. I've built such a wall in my psyche that it's not easy bringing it down. Actually, tomboy IS me . I repressed it to fit in with straight friends. You should have seen me as a middle schooler. Wow. Always in a baseball hat. Then I realized I was different, and fought it so hard. I kind of envy the way some of these new friends dress. It's not cross dressing by any means. But it's definitely not feminine. Now that I feel more comfortable about myself, I want to dress like that. I guess I'm stressed because I'm going through that gay adolescence thing...like a 27 year old straight girl discovering boys for the first time.... now that I know some gay girls I'm crushing on like 5 people at once. It's insane. I feel like my life is going to turn into an episode of the L word. Haha. Thanks for the replies. It's just good to post here about it all so I can get it out of my system. Like I said...this gay adolescence thing is making my head spin. Lots of repression bursting out and nowhere to put it at the moment. I don't want to get out of control or make bad choices. Haha, JudgeDredd...I'm sure a few people will not be surprised....seeing how I've dated SOOOOO many guys (sarcasm). Well I will definitely post on what happens at some point. Theres noooo going back deeper into the closet at this point...the only way through is out.
Not to disagree with other people in this thread, but I've never once told someone I was gay and gotten "Yeah that kind of makes sense." Its always been stuff like "Wow!? really? You hide it really well!" And I'm thinking... really cause I've kind of been trying to act gay so you'd pick up on it... I was in a Queer Studies class and someone in the class was still surprised to find out I was gay. Even in a class about gay people, I come off as straight to people =/ I absolutely hate it. Like I have an album with pictures of me on here. Do you guys think I look really straight? lol But anyway, if they are all gay or bi themselves they obviously aren't gonna judge. If you find it easier then take one aside and tell them one on one first. I know I don't do well talking in groups. For a serious conversation like that I would need to be one on one or at least a group of 4 or less (including myself)
