7 or 8 months ago I was in an acting class doing an exercise where you and a partner make observations about each other. My partner and I were looking into each others eyes and all of a sudden I got this feeling of deep connection with her. Then she said "You're a lesbian." My world came crashing down. A cold wash of fear came over me, I got a panicky feeling. And something deep down inside thought "Oh my God, she's right." Since that day the panic and questioning has come and gone, but on the whole it's gotten more pronounced. I feel like I'm working through stuff, but my sexual identity continues to shift about ten times a day. Here's where I'm at now: I've had very strong feelings for women for as long as I can remember. Basically the feeling of crushes, but seemingly without the sexual component. Almost always these crushes have been on older (big sister or young mother aged) women. I've had crushes on men too (also generally older men), but not nearly as many. When I hit puberty (and even before) all I could think about was male anatomy and my fantasies have all been about men. To this day, all my erotic dreams and fantasies have been about men. When I dream about these women that I have crushes on it's always that they are my friends and accept me. I have a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. We're best friends and I'm still attracted to him. I just worry because I never really had that "butterflies in the tummy" moment with him. It's more of a warm and fuzzy feeling that's grown over time. My biggest worry is that nagging part of me that says "you're a lesbian". Could I have hid a sexual attraction to women from myself to the extent that I don't even dream about it? I've tried fantasizing and looking at lesbian porn. While it does something, it's not the same as looking at men. I'm so scared and confused. I guess I'm looking for insight or your own stories. Thanks!
I'm with you here, I feel like I'm going through the same thing! If you read my first post, it relates to what you're saying so much, almost too much. Kind of crazy. So basically, you have a connection with girls but none sexual, and the opposite for guys?
Just because somebody looks deep into your eyes and tells you you're a lesbian doesn't necessarily mean you are actually a lesbian. You know yourself better than anybody else does, wacky drama class exercises aside. From what you describe, you could be a biromantic heterosexual - meaning that you have the capacity to have strong romantic attachments to both sexes, but you're only sexually attracted to the opposite sex. It's also possible that you could be sexually attracted to both sexes, but are suppressing your attraction to females for fear of negative judgement or rejection from the people around you. Either way, I hope you are able to feel at ease with yourself and accept yourself for who you are.
Thanks. I think I'm beginning to feel some sexual attraction towards women. It's hard for me to let myself though, because I'm afraid that I'll loose my attraction to men and have to break up with my boyfriend. I think this is an overly anxious thought process, but it's still there and hard to get through. I sort of feel like I'm going through puberty again, except I'm just noticing women this time around. Is that normal for someone realizing they're bisexual later in life?
It is absolutely normal. I really didn't figure things out until I was in my early 30's. And I'd say given that you have had strong sexual attractions towards men before, you don't really have to worry about "losing" them - you likely will always be capable of feeling attraction to men. You may lose interest in your boyfriend for other reasons, and it may feel like it's because of a growing attraction to women - but usually when people lose interest in a partner, there are other underlying reasons.
I just wanted to tell you that I've been where you are. Although my boyfriend and I did end up breaking up, it wasn't because I developed feelings for women. It was because I caught him cheating and I couldn't trust him anymore. Like Chandra mentioned, when relationships fall apart there are usually other reasons. As far as if it's normal, I was almost 24 years old, when I realized I was attracted to women. I don't think you are alone in that at all. I think it is especially common if it wasn't something you were really exposed to as a child or if it was something that was just considered wrong or bad. As a kid or even a teenager, you don't think that's a possibility for you when that is your life experience. Even if it isn't, though, everyone wants to fit in and be "normal" in their teenage years, so I think it's still not unlikely to realize you are "different" later in life when you begin to accept that it's okay.
Yeah, I was made fun of a lot for "being a lezbo" due to the way I dressed. I specifically remember a time when I was about 18 thinking (somewhat subconsciously) "Well, as long as I can like men I'll do that and ignore this attraction to women." So I think I never really explored this side of me and it was bound to surface sometime. I'd like to try to go through this and stay with my boyfriend because our relationship is good otherwise. He's been really supportive and said he'd be okay with me experimenting with women (though I'm no where near ready to do this myself).
I'm having trouble. Just because I'm so scared of being a lesbian does that necessarily mean that I am one? Where is all this fear coming from and why can't I just accept myself as bisexual? Has anyone else felt this? I think I used to have crushes on guys, but now all I can seem to feel are strong feelings towards women. Could this just be the result of having denied them for so long?
It can take a long time to figure yourself out and then come to accept yourself. There is still a lot of negative judgement out there toward queer people, and wrapping your head around the idea that you might be "one of those" can be a painful and difficult process. Even those of us who are mostly surrounded by supportive people have had to go through this. It may be little comfort to you, but just know that the feelings you're going through are normal. Funny enough, I just wrote about this in the "spectrum" thread. Even though I knew for a fact that I had been attracted to men in the past (and was even madly in love with one for no less than five years), when I finally came out to myself and acknowledged my attraction to women, I went completely girl-crazy for a while. I couldn't stop looking at women, thinking about women, dreaming about women, etc. etc. For about a year I felt almost no attraction to men whatsoever and wondered if I hadn't "turned" completely lesbian. Fast forward a couple of years, and things have slowly balanced out - although I'd say I still definitely lean more towards women, there are certainly times when I feel attracted to men too. And I know that the attractions I felt in the past were legitimate. So in my experience, these things can fluctuate over time - and yes, I'd say it's possible to experience a period of intense attraction to the same sex once you've let the stopper out of the bottle, so to speak, and finally allowed pent-up feelings to come flooding out. ---------- Post added 10th Oct 2011 at 05:10 PM ---------- Oh, I wanted to comment on this too - I know people who avoided labelling themselves as lesbian, gay, bi, whatever for years simply because they couldn't stand the idea of admitting that the people who made fun of them were right. It's a perfectly natural reaction, of course. Who wants to admit that their bullies were on to something? The thing I like to try to keep in mind, though, is that in one important sense, they were never actually right. They may have known something about you, but they never knew YOU. Even if they were right about you being gay, they were dead wrong about the idea that that is something deserving of mockery and derision.
Chandra, thank you so much. All of what you wrote was incredibly helpful. It's hard to be patient when these feelings of discomfort and confusion are so intense. But having support helps a lot! Discovering that I can be sexually attracted to women is taking almost the exact same path as discovering that I could be attracted to men did back when I was 11 or 12. Another question: is it normal to feel attractions to men and women differently? It might have to do with feeling more sexually attracted to men and more emotionally attracted to women. Also, I really want to hold together my relationship with my bf. I'm having trouble being present with him though because all I can think about is "What am I?" I'd really like to be there in the moment with him and enjoy our relationship like we always have before. I feel like I have to let the relationship die to me (internally) in order for it to be reborn with this new knowledge of myself as a part of it. He went through something similar at a meditation retreat about a month ago where he was so afraid of loosing me and had to go through acceptance of a sort of death. It's like I'm trying to cling on to him for support, but it's keeping me from going through what I need to in order to understand myself. Any advise on how to do this without breaking up?
I'm very glad to be of help! Again, this is absolutely normal. You'll find that the more you learn and read about human sexuality, the more you'll discover that there is every possible variation on attraction, love, etc. out there. In a way, there really isn't a "normal", and what we have been taught to think of as normal (vanilla cisgendered heterosexual monogamous attraction) is probably more the exception than the rule. I believe that the key to making any and all relationships work is good communication. I realize that it's hard for you to communicate these ideas to him while you yourself still feel so confused about them; but even opening up to him about your confusion will at least give him the chance to try to connect with your emotions. I want you to think about something carefully - and be honest with yourself, even if you don't feel like answering on here (which you don't have to do). Are you certain about your reasons for wanting to make the relationship with your boyfriend work? Is it because you love him, are still attracted to him, have a deep connection with him, and can see yourself building a happy future with him? Or is it possible that you cling to this relationship as a way to avoid dealing with these issues around your sexual identity? Or that you are afraid of hurting him? I don't know you and so I am not making any assumptions - it may well be that your answer to my second question is, "Yes, of course I love him, etc.!" I just want you to be sure of your answers before you decide how to proceed. If you do feel certain that you want to make the relationship work, let him know this before you tell him anything else. Tell him you're afraid of losing him, and you hope he can have the patience to see this through with you. Tell him that you might need some time and space to yourself in order to work through all this confusion, but that once you have done so, you sincerely want to return your focus to your relationship with him. In short, tell him everything you've told us - be transparent, genuine and open-hearted.
Thanks again. This makes me feel better about what I'm noticing. As for my boyfriend, I do genuinely love him, but I also think that I am very afraid of hurting him. I am also very afraid of hurting myself. I don't think that I'm using this relationship to avoid dealing with my sexual orientation, but I do feel that our relationship might be making it harder for me to figure out. In the past couple of months I've started to notice something feels like it's missing. I used to imagine that we would probably spend the rest of our lives together, but now I'm scared. I just can't imagine being without him, though. In the course of our relationship a lot has happened and we've gotten each other through it. I was there with him when his brother died and more recently his grandmom and have been there for him as he's been dealing with it. He's been there with me through some very difficult college years and overcoming an addiction to Aderall. And it was my idea to move in with him after two years because I wanted to be able to be with him every night and day. The past year we've spent living together has been great. I've been open with him about what I'm going through for about six months, almost since I started questioning. I think, if anything, I've been talking about all this too much with him because it's starting to wear on his emotions, too. He's given me permission to experiment, I just haven't felt right doing it yet so I haven't acted on it. Taking a break isn't really an option as we live together, we're locked into a lease until September 2012. Neither of us can afford to move out. And I don't really want to at this point. I do understand that at some point it might be necessary for me to break up with him, but I'd really like to exhaust all other options first. I'll keep on asking myself these questions though, because they ignited a lot of emotion in me.
Actually, I guess what I really should say is that more than anything, I want him to be there with me as I go through this process. But I know that might not be possible. I've gotten myself into a position where he's my only close friend in the city I live in. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not people I can talk to about this. I'm seeing a therapist once a week, but progress is slow as there's a lot of stuff I have to work through. My younger sister is bi, but she lives half way across the country and is very busy at school. I feel alone.
It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I'm sorry you feel so alone. Have you thought about finding out if there are any LGBT support organizations in your city? A therapist can be helpful, but it's still different than being able to talk to someone who can really relate to what you're going through. When you've been in a relationship for so long, created a history with someone and helped each other go through so many difficult times, it can be very frightening to start to feel the ground shift beneath your feet. I understand that very well. And there are two ways of looking at this: relationships, and the people in them, change all the time. In my view, a commitment involves doing your best to ride out these changes together and allow them to help you grow as a couple. On the other hand, sometimes things change so profoundly that something fundamental to the relationship is lost, and then it may be time to think about letting go. It is very painful to imagine that this thing you've built together might not endure, but sometimes this is one of life's harsher realities. In your case, I can't tell you which way to look at this situation - only you and your boyfriend will be able to figure that out together. But I wish you the best in going through this process.
Thanks so much. My boyfriend and I atually had a very similar discussion about changes last night and it's good to hear our thoughts echoed here. Tonight I was out at my usual hang out spots (rehearsal and a theater) and I realized that I am making myself crazy with fear. No matter how this turns out I need to back off a bit. Bisexual feels pretty comfortable for now (or more specifically biromantic with a homoromantic leaning and bisexual with a heterosexual leaning) so I think I'm going to let that sit for a while. Who knows if this will all change tomorrow or a month or a year from now, but I've got to get off the couch and stop ruminating. A teacher of mine who I am very close to has put me in contact with a couple of her lesbian friends so I am going to try and meet up with them. I think after letting this stuff build up unexamined for so long has left me with the need to go through a number of what I think of as fear thresholds. I guess I'll see what I find on the other side.
Well, from all of your posts you strike me as a very self-aware, self-reflective person and I think you will find a way to navigate these challenges. And of course, we're always here to support you and address any more questions, fears, concerns etc. that may come up.
Ah man. I've been going back over crushes I've had. When I was real young I had a giant crush on Alex Mac and Taylor Hanson until I found out he was a he. Now I have a huge crush on Starbuck form the new Battlestar Galactica. Around the time I started dating my boyfriend I was having huge crushes on men, Scott Adsit and the Tin Man from the sci fi mini series Tin Man among others. But to get to the point, I've been saying "I'm a lesbian" to myself and it just seems to make sense. I feel more like myself when I say it and a sense of comfort I've just never had otherwise. I think I inflated my crushes on men throughout high school just to feel normal. But I don't know. I'm trying not to let fear take over because it makes me so miserable and I think it's actually making me physically sick as I've been getting a lot of colds. Guess I just needed to get some thoughts out. ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2011 at 05:03 PM ---------- Also, I feel losing my boyfriend might be inevitable. Might. But I don't know. I never had a super strong crush on him before we got together, but I was also taking a ton of Aderall which definitely kills emotions. I could feel some butterflies through the haze at the time, but it scares me because I'll never know what was truly there. I love spending time with him. Snuggling up on the couch watching our favorite TV shows. Waking up next to him every morning. I just can't see letting it go. ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2011 at 05:07 PM ---------- One last thing. I'm setting up a time to talk to those two lesbian friends of my teacher. I'm scared and I don't really know what we'll talk about.
It's possible that you inflated your crushes on men. It's possible you're moving further along the Kinsey scale as you come to accept yourself more and more. But really, whatever label you end up with doesn't matter so much as being able to feel comfortable in your own skin with who you are right now. You have talked a lot about how strong your fear is. Can you articulate what it is that you are most afraid of? Are you talking to both of your teacher's friends together, or one at a time? I'd probably feel a bit anxious too, especially in the first scenario - it's almost like going to speak in front of an interview panel or something. Hopefully they will be friendly, helpful and able to put you at ease. As for what you should talk about, I would recommend being upfront with them about all the feelings you're experiencing - confusion, uncertainty, fear - and asking them if they're willing to share their own experiences coming to terms with their identity. If they both happen to be the type who knew for certain practically from birth that they were gay, then this may not offer you much insight, but if they have struggled through a similar questioning process it might help you to feel less alone knowing there is someone out there who understands what you're going through.
I am almost a male version of you. Best of luck to both of us! ---------- Post added 25th Jan 2013 at 12:48 AM ---------- U just love this above comment!!
