I have a friend from school who has been worrying me a lot. Well, now she is just getting on my nerves. I know once I tell you what happened you will probably think I sound like a jerk. We met a year ago in class and clicked as friends. We had fun talking and she's a cool person. In April she came to me and said she was feeling suicidal. She told me she had tried to kill herself three times the weekend before. I told her I cared about her and I didn't want her to leave this world. I hugged her and tried to reason with her. I told her that many people love her and she would be missed a lot. I asked her if she felt suicidal at that moment to which she replied yes. I asked her if she would kill herself if she was alone at all. Again, she said yes. She said she wanted to die and she was afraid to be alone. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't keep her with me 24/7 because I have class and other stuff going on. I then asked her if she had ever known someone who had committed suicide. I asked her this so she could understand how sad it is when someone dies that way. She said yes, but she thought they did what was right for them because if they wanted to die it was their choice. She didn't think suicide was as bad as I wished she would have thought. She believes in doctor assisted suicide which I'm not going to comment on because I don't have an opinion but it was scary because she was so set on dying. I told her of a psychiatric facility that could help. She didn't want to go at first but I talked her into it since she felt so suicidal. I took her there and waited with her. I called her parents to let them know (they weren't supportive) and visited her whenever there were visiting hours. I was there for her as much as I could be at that moment. In her car she had a hose and duct tape that she was going to use to kill herself (carbon monoxide poisoning). I was shocked that she actually bought that stuff and I got rid of it while she was in the hospital. I felt like I had a lot of burden on me and it was really hard. She was mad that she went to the hospital afterward because it cost a lot of money. I felt bad because she has so many bills. She wasn't mad at me really but just mad at the situation. Anyway, on to the present day. She keeps going through periods of time where she is super happy and always confident. Then she randomly gets depressed and says there is nothing in her life worth living for. I don't know what to do really. I have told her of a place she could get counseling and I've given her suicide hotline numbers. She seems to be somewhat of a pathological liar because she is always contradicting herself. She writes on facebook that she is happy one day and depressed the next. Today she acts like she's depressed and I have lots of homework but I'm going to be with her because I'm scared she is going to commit suicide. I'm getting tired of this to be honest. What can I do? I don't want to be a bad friend. I sometimes wonder if I did the wrong thing with taking her to the hospital. But then I know it was the right thing the next moment. I sometimes wish we were never friends because it makes me so anxious. Do any of you have advice? I just want to have a day when I don't have to worry about my friends committing suicide.
It honestly sounds like your friend is possibly bipolar, otherwise known as manic-depressive. This is a very serious psychiatric condition, & it really does require medication to keep her from harming herself. If her parents aren't very supportive, then I'm happy that she at least has you in her life. You sould seriously consider talking with her again & seeing if she is willing to speak with a psychiatrist, as they will be able to talk with her, make a diagnosis & be able to prescrbe medication. While I can certainly appreciate how much this could cost, it is a much better alternative than having her potentially harm herself. From what you've already said, its serious enough that she actually had the equipment to kill herself with in her car, so this is well beyond suicidal thoughts. I'm surprised she's even out of the hospital, but then again, they will only hold a person until they determine that they're not a danger to themselves or others, which can be the problem with bipolar condition. One minute you're ready to kill yourself & the next you're on top of the world. I really hop you continue to be supportive for her & stay with her, even as hard it may be & as stressful as it can be for you. And you totally don't sound like a jerk at all, you sound like a very good, extremely concerned friend. The best thing you can do is make her see that she needs serious help, & then help her to make sure she gets it. She may not end up liking you in the end, but at least she'll be alive, which is really the most important thing. Hope this helps.
I agree! She definitely sounds bipolar to me, a common trait among many of my friends, as well. As Kiersten has already mentioned, there is medication that can help her keep her emotions from spiking so dangerously, but does your friend already identify or at least suspect bipolar disorder? Do you think she truly, sincerely wants to die, or is she just so terrified of being alone that she doesn't know what to do? You don't sound terrible at all, lovely. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your friends, and sometimes it takes a person like you to help them see what's best for them, even if it's hard on both of you. I'm also proud that you're so strong-hearted. (*hug*)
Hey, I recognise what the others said about your friend being bipolar but there's still your issue with being stressed over her issues. I would suggest talking to your parents, relative or a grown up whom you can confide in and ask for their help on how to handle your friend. Maybe go see the psychiatrist with your friend and then have a private word with the doctor. Tell the doctor about these things that you've told us. Importantly tell about how you can't handle her alone. The thing is you're about to crack as well and that's not going to be healthy for either you or her so don't bear her troubles all to yourself and if possible let in other friends she trusts so that she will have other venues of output rather than just you. Get rid of the duct tape and sucide stuff everytime you see it. She'll hopefully get fustrated with buying new ones and give up Good luck!
Thanks for your replies. Tonight I talked to her about going to a counselor. I asked if she would be interested and she said no, counseling doesn't work for her. I didn't know what to say and she seemed to be depressed about living in this area tonight, not contemplating suicide. I've never said anything to her about her possibly being bipolar but it could make sense. My dad is bipolar so I've been around that before. She has never suggested that she could be bipolar before but she also hasn't pointed out the randomness of her emotions. One day she's like "I'm perfectly fine being single and the world is there for me to conquer!" and the next day she will be like "I have nothing in this world. I am alone with nobody to love me." I want to point out that she is really hot and cold with her emotions but I'm afraid even bringing it up will make her angry at me and she'll want to die or something. Today we told me she has no one that she is close to. This kind of hurt my feelings because I've tried to be there for her and yet she still thinks we aren't close and that our friendship isn't that big of a deal. It's almost like an obligation to hang out with her because I'm afraid one misstep will lead to death. Yuya- Thanks for saying all of that. You're right, it's a lot to handle at times. I told my mom about the time she tried to commit suicide because I needed help getting her into the hospital. I gave my mom the hose and duct tape to get rid of because I didn't want to throw it away (since it was brand new) and I knew she would find someone that could use it (and so I'd never have to see it again). I haven't talked to anyone about how much it effected me though. They know what happened, but not what I felt or how I still get scared. I might talk to someone about how random her emotions are. I don't feel like she knows what is best for herself. She told me she is moving to another city 2 hours away and has a job for this coming Tuesday yet she doesn't have an apartment to live in and she still has a class here. She also told me she quit both of her jobs but an hour later said "Last night when I was closing my job"..... So I was thinking... Wait didn't you just tell me you quit your jobs? I tend to overthink situations but no planning for a move seems rash and a bit crazy. ---------- Post added 8th Oct 2011 at 11:00 PM ---------- Use the duct tape and hose for gardening and fixing things, not suicide**
This is awfully relevant to me at the moment cause I just had a funeral for my aunt who committed suicide today. Her's was a pretty extreme situation though. She wrote letters to all her family members telling them that they were responsible for her death. It was pretty bad. Also, my bf has told me before that if he didn't have me in his life he'd be afraid that he couldn't keep going =/ I know how much pressure something like that can put on someone. The important thing to know is that you can't feel responsible for what someone else does. I know its hard, but you really have very little control over what she does. It sounds like she needs some sort of counseling or therapy if this keeps occurring. I agree that she is likely at least bipolar.
her moving away from you might give you the space you need and maybe she might focus on starting her life afresh there. look forward to that and keep supporting her until she moves.
I'm so sorry about your aunt.. That is really tough. (*hug*) I wish that didn't happen to you. Thanks for your advice. It isn't easy to feel like someone's life is in your hands but I guess you're right, we can't control what others do with their lives. What did you tell your boyfriend when he said that? I want to tell my friend she needs to get help or I can't deal with it anymore but I think that might be too harsh. My dad and neighbor have tried committing suicide before and told me about it. It can be discouraging to hear others around you are willing to leave you. But you're right, it has nothing to do with you or me. It's their own issues. They don't understand that when they commit suicide/try to commit suicide it hurts others around them so much. One thing about bipolar disorder that I can't stand is the inability to predict anything that will happen. I hate thinking people can be mad at me one minute and depressed the next.
... I hope this doesn't sound cruel, but I think you need to step away from the situation and cut ties. You have devoted so much time, energy and emotion into this relationship, and yet she doesn't think your friendship is close? And it's getting to the point where it is negatively affecting you, your school work and you feel the friendship is an obligation? That's not good, dear. Not good at all. It just isn't healthy. You have tried to help her; the only thing more you could feasibly do is contact the authorities, let them know she's been talking suicide again and you can't handle it, and then step away and let things go. The only way she's going to get better is if she wants to get better. You've tried. Now, it's time to think about your own health. It seems harsh, but there are some people that just are unhealthy to be around. It sucks, but you have to recognize when it's time to step back and "save yourself".
Thanks, I've thought of cutting ties. I probably won't right now because she isn't contemplating suicide at the moment but if it gets worse I may have to. Sometimes I just feel like saying "Dude, you're bat shit crazy. Get over yourself." But I know that would be over the top/mean and I'd feel bad about it after. I do care about her but I can only deal with a certain level of insanity. It seems like she is always wanting attention and will go to great lengths to get it. I don't know about most people but when I'm depressed I tend to withdraw from people and I definitely don't cry out for help by threatening suicide to a friend just because I'm having a bad day.
I think you're playing it right. You're playing the role of the concerned friend. ("Playing the role" doesn't necessarily mean you're faking anything here, by the way.) You suggested counseling, and she sort of waved it away. Well, next time she seems in a majorly bad way, you might approach the subject again. Maybe not directly, but point out her rather cyclical behavior and moods. "It seems like there might be something going on there. You told me before that counseling didn't work for you. Did the counselor ever diagnose you with anything?" Lex
Well, quite honestly what happened eventually was that I got so stressed over the next few months that I started talking about how I wanted to kill myself. I didn't do it to prove a point, I was just stressed and frustrated and blah... He started crying and told me he would never think about suicide again because it hurt so badly to hear me talk about it...
I'm sorry you were feeling so stressed but I'm glad he finally stopped thinking in that way. I know sometimes when I feel like I have no control over a situation especially when someone I care about is thinking of suicide or is being abused I can get really upset to the point of wanting to die. I'll probably talk to my counselor about this friend and maybe not hang out with her as much at least while she is rapidly going through mood swings.
1. Please know that you are not solely responsible for your friends mood swings and actions, even if you are the one she is telling about them. You can't be expected to be responsible for you and her. It isn't fair. Sometimes the right thing to do is to worry about your friend, but sometimes you have to worry about you first, and nobody is going to fault you for that, so don't feel like you're a failure if you have to take a step back. You're not doing her any good if you forget to look out for you and you both end up with an issue. 2. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by getting yourself some support in all of this by talking to a counselor yourself about what is going on and how it is making you feel. That will really help you understand your feelings and how to deal with them. 3. You are definitely not a jerk! You have done a great thing by helping out your friend so much, and of course sometimes you feel a little overwhelmed by her actions and you feel tired of dealing with it. That doesn't make you a jerk. That makes you human, and an individual with your own problems and concerns that you need to think of first. I don't think people get told things like this often enough, but I think you are an incredible friend to stick around with your friend like this. 4. Please don't be afraid to talk to an adult about what is going on when things get to be too much for you. Take some time for you. It's okay.
