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Need help, really stuck

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by curiousone, Oct 9, 2011.

  1. curiousone

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    I've had a hard time deciding whether to post about this or not. I finally decided to because I'm really not sure what else to do.

    Let me start out with the basics. I'm 24, married for nearly two years now, with a daughter who is coming up to a year old. Over the past few (say six?) months or so I've been realizing some things about myself. I've dealt with one of the more touchy subjects with my wife recently (it was over personal choice of religion, but that's not really relevant at this time, as she took that extremely well). Please forgive the waffling, I'm having a hard time with all this, and I tend to ramble when I'm nervous or whatever. The other big one is that I've lately realized I am just ever so slightly attracted to guys. (Not as much as women, but enough to cause me some issues.)

    Now, I am as happy as one can be with my wife when there's a big secret like this. I love her more than anything (except my daughter of course). I'm having a hard time with whether or not I want to even get into it with her. Obviously the healthy thing for our relationship is for me to tell her, but part of me feels like the only real reason for telling her is to kind of "get her permission" to explore... :help::help::help:

    There's a lot more to our situation than what I've listed, but I need to get this posted before I chicken out or need to get offline. Any advice would be great. I'll try to continue with more details next chance I get. Thanks
     
  2. george678

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    Hi there,

    Firstly, welcome to EC and it's good that you finally took the courage to post this.

    I think the fact that you have faced these feelings no matter how small or big they are is a big step. I would tell your wife, you need a healthy relationship. She may be understanding and might be able to help you, she knows you best.

    If this feelings are to grow stronger or you feel like exploring cheating on her is not fair so I would tell your wife.

    I'm not the best at giving advice others will give you better advice, but I will try and help more as you post more.
     
  3. Katt

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    Hello dear!

    You're definetly on the right track! Here at EC, the idea of communication is very valued, and it sounds to me like you already know that. The simple answer is yes, you should tell your wife. But I will tell you, that her reaction, though not necessarily hostile or mean, wil probably be quite resistant agiants letting you "explore". After all, it is still a marriage. I could be wrong, she might be perfectly okay with it, but you're going to have to be very careful and considerate of her feelings.

    No matter the reaction or result of sharing this personal diamond with your wife, it will have always been the right thing to do. It will make you two stronger, and if you can handle this, you two will be able to handle anything. [:

    I believe in you! much love!
     
  4. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC.

    The feelings you are having are far from unique, and I think you should explore, in your mind, what they mean to you and how they affect you.

    I'm going to break with both of the above posters and suggest that you wait a little bit before talking to your wife about it, and here's why: Right now, with you having little clarity in your own mind, I think going to her will likely cause a lot of worry and concern on her part. She will likely ask you a lot of questions that you won't really be in a position to answer because you're so early on in your exploration.

    So I'd suggest exploring your feelings a little bit more. I don't suggest meeting up with anyone or having any sexual encounters or anything of the like; that would be really disrespectful to your wife and cause all sorts of potential damage to the relationship. But you can explore your own feelings. For example, take a look at some gay porn. And be honest with yourself... look at the gay porn that has the guys that are attractive to you, not the gay porn with the 300 pound, 50 year old men (unless that happens to be what turns you on). See what it does for you. Try your best not to judge what you're feeling, but just to notice it. Try masturbating to gay porn, or just to fantasies in your head about guys. Again, see how it feels.

    The reason I'm suggesting this is that when one starts to acknowledge some sort of same-sex attraction, there's almost always some form of minimizing or resisting that goes on. It's a form of protection, so that we can sort of come to that understanding in bits and pieces, rather than being overwhelmed about it. In other words, it's very possible that you have only a very small attraction to guys and are mostly attracted to women, but it is also possible that you are mostly attracted to guys, but have hidden that from yourself because it would "upset the apple cart."

    The important thing here is to be true to yourself and think about what's going on and try to get some understanding. Then, at that point, you can start talking to your wife about it, and be better equipped to say what, if any, impact it could have on your marriage.

    I hope that helps. If you let us know more about what's going on, you'll probably get clearer guidance but it's good that you're feeling comfortable enough to take these first steps.
     
  5. Katelynn

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    Hi! Welcome so much to EC!!! (*hug*) I tend to agree with Chip, you shouldn't start exploring your sexuality or hooking up with someone just yet. When you feel comfortable enough to discuss things with your wife, do that as your starting point maybe. If that conversation goes well, hopefully you can both work thru things together. If you are able to get to that point, perhaps suggest a threesome with your wife and another guy, which may sort of help both of you to deal with things & may even put both of you at ease as she won't be worried that you're out looking for someone to explore these feelings with. Again tho, wait until you can speak with your wife about everything before suggesting this, as this is going to be a potentially uncomfortable conversation to have. No matter how anything goes, you can ALWAYS be open & honest here on EC & we're all more that happy here to offer any advice & all the support you need! (&&&)
     
  6. curiousone

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    Thanks for all the advice everyone. I'm sorry it's taken this long to reply, I'm limited on internet access unfortunately. I had mentioned there is more to my situation, but upon further thought on the matter I realized most of it is not at all relevant at the moment. I think more what I meant is more details about what I had already posted, as I wasn't exactly clear on everything I meant when I last posted. Nerves are a wonderful thing when trying to talk about these sort of things. :dry:

    Obviously at some point I would like to tell her about everything. I'm just a little stuck on how long I want to wait before I do so. I certainly won't be doing so until I have a firmer grasp on my feelings. And on a related note, there's no way I would want to do any sort of exploring or hooking up or whatever you want to call it before talking to her about everything. As was mentioned, that isn't fair to her.

    Chip, as far as your suggestions regarding fantasizing and gay porn and all, I have given those a try in the past. (Quite a bit actually...) In fact doing so was part of why I finally decided I needed to get some advice on the matter. As far as my "slight" attraction to men, well, I may have understated the slightness, but I feel fairly confident in saying I'm not as attracted to men as women. The reason why I feel this way is that I seem to be much more discerning regarding what sort of men I'm attracted to. I'm a lot pickier with what I'm willing to watch regarding two men, or anything like that.

    Also, the minimizing that was mentioned, I'm very familiar with. In the course of thinking this over more and more over the past few days, I realized that I have been "curious" for a lot longer than I remembered. (Like well before I met my wife. Would've been nice if I'd realized it back then huh? :eusa_doh:slight_smile: Although I certainly realize there's not much point wishing I could change the past. My point is, out of curiosity, I had taken a look at gay porn when I was younger, but afterwards I always felt strange, as if it was wrong somehow. (At the time my attitude towards anything other than 100% straight was less than enlightened. I think it just made me uncomfortable more than anything.) I've wised up a bit since then (or I like to think so anyways).

    I think that's enough rambling for the time being, mainly because I can't really think of anything else to say on the matter at the minute. I want to thank everyone for your replies again. I think I knew I really need to tell her at some point or another, just hearing it from other people helped bring that to me attention. Any further advice is always appreciated if you have more to say though!