Hey, Some of this repeats what I said in a previous thread, but this is about a different issue now, because things have changed. So I fell in love with a guy who is also doing premed at uni, and I told him, and he told me that he's straight but that we could still be friends. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but he was genuinely my first true love, and it caused me my first true heartbreak. And I just went so downhill so fast, all the feelings of self-hatred and jealously and loathing about being attracted to guys came back. I even became suicidal, because I just felt this huge barrier between me and my friends, and mainly, I was still madly in love with this guy who broke my heart. So, I kind of lost the will to live, and my parents were loving and supportive but they also got very down, especially the night when my mum hugged me and I just broke down and said I want her to make me normal, and she said if she could die to make me normal she would. Apparently, my brother heard me crying that night, and yesterday he confronted me, and he'd actually worked out everything about me asking a guy out and being rejected. He also said I have to accept this in order to be happy, and it doesn't change how he thinks about me at all. Well, in many ways it feels like a new leaf has turned I guess. My parents said as much, they said I should go to the sexuality counselling at uni, so I booked an appointment. I'm still seeing a psychiatrist, but I might stop going as regularly if I can get sexuality-specific counselling at uni. I guess I'm allowing myself to replace despair with hope, and I guess I'm not feeling suicidal for the first time in a long time. But... something does scare me a lot. This guy I loved, ok I just have to say his name because it's beautiful. He's called Reuben I love everything about him. But, he doesn't talk to me normally anymore, and when we're in a group, he'll talk to everyone except me. I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I'll find someone else who makes me feel the way Reuben makes me feel. It's sheer agony when I see him, and it's difficult because I'm going to be seeing him for the next four years in medicine! Should I keep the distance? Or should I try and repair the friendship? I think it would be like a knife in my gut once he gets a girlfriend, because I'll just wish it could have been me he loved. I'm trying to get over him, but he's too beautiful, and the friendship we shared before I told him my feelings was really beautiful. I'm haunted by memories of him. If I go somewhere where I once went with him, I'll imagine him there, and it will make me want to die. Should I give it some time before I try and restart the friendship? I don't want 4 awkward years, I want our friendship back And as an aside, I'm worried that if I fall for anyone ever again (which I highly doubt as no one could ever compare to Reuben), 99% chance is that they are straight and could never love me back. And unrequited love is the most painful feeling in the world, as Reuben has taught me.. My love for him drove me to think about ending my life because I can never have him. How will I ever find that kind of love again?
I have felt this way before. That one person you fall for so hard but cannot be with. I learned that its hard letting go but you have to. take things slow. dont try to repair the friendship so quick. im sure it was a lot for him to deal with. just give it time before bringing it up again. I am sure that u will find another person to love. For me it took me a year. it was more like a crush but i could not stop thinking about this new person. trying hanging out with friends. have fun, maybe ask them if they can set u up with another guy once u feel like u can date again. love works in different ways. sometimes you find love and other times love finds you love yourself for who u are. its great that u have a support system at home. not many do. stay positive =]
Dear Adrian, Yes the heart wants what the heart wants. This is the truth, but your heart will eventually find someone it loves, and it won't be Reuben. It will be someone who can really and truly love you back, the way you deserve. Always know that. As for Reuben, it will be a long grueling journey if you don't clear things up with him. You definetly don't want to be distracted or at a loss of focus when you're in school. Nor to you want this agony to go on for four years. Talk to him. Just a quick, simple conversation. Let him know you still want to be friends, tell him you enjoy his company and that you'd hate for a great friendship to go to waste over a little misunderstanding. It you're honest with him, you just might get your friend back. Just remember that he's not interested in anything more than that, respect his feelngs [: The best of luck to you! Much love,
