I legitimately feel as though I need help. I've always hated asking for help, and I've never felt that I ever NEEDED to be helped before. I don't know what's going on.
Change how you are? Are you talking specifically about your sexuality? We can try giving you the best advice we can, although I'm not sure what you're searching for. Change yourself how? If you're talking more professional advice, there's nothing wrong with speaking to a counselor or therapist. That's what they're there for.
I guess I'll try to explain... though it isn't the most comfortable feeling I've ever had, haha... Fact is, I'm a guy. I act like a guy. I'm ignorant and some-what conceited like a guy. My maturity level can easily be surpassed by a 5th grader if I choose it to be. Problem is... I'm smarter than this. I'm conforming to my empirical perception of the sociological expectation in my current, specific environment. What's worse, my superficial interaction with others has been leading my social behavior down a path that is condescending and degrading to persons of homosexual identity; I often find myself alongside others creating a mockery of the socially defined image, subjective as it may be, of homosexuality. This malicious behavior ranges from targeting the general stereotyped community to specific individuals. My cognizance in such a behavior is what really makes it the worst. In an attempt to blend in with society, I am not only insulting myself, I'm insulting so many great individuals who I truly do respect personally but can never admit to such a thing. Ignorance is one thing, annoying as it is, but to knowingly act in such an unjust manner of inequality isn't right (by this societies standards). And just to exemplify further how corrupt this way of thinking is, it doesn't even make me happy... not in the least bit. Though I somehow find the ability to laugh and smile when around others, I actually hate it. Every time I say something like "dude, that's gay," I always get this subtle amygdalic response that I can't help but to analyze neocortically only to conclude that what I'm doing is totally illogical, yet the feeling of obligation to portray what I'm not continues to exist. I can't write anymore right now... I'll try again later maybe.
Have you ever considered therapy or counselling? I think it helps a lot when you need an unbiased ear to listen. Given the fact that you seem very interested in sociology and psychology with the terms you used maybe you would benefit in speaking with an individual who can give you professional, knowledgeable advice.
