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Still stuck and not sure what to do.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NateDawg, Oct 10, 2011.

  1. NateDawg

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    Hey everyone! It's Nate here. I haven't been on here in FOREVER! I've been so busy with school, and life hitting me in the face, etc. It's great to be back though. I am needing some advice. I'm currently in a very commited relationship and we have gone to another level of commitment and promised each other we'd always be here for one another and such. On Wednesday, I will have been out of the closet for two years. I know it doesn't seem like that is a long time, but I'm starting to get so depressed because I can't introduce the man that I long to be with forever to my family. They just will not allow it. My parent's have come a little bit as far as knowing I'm gay and that I will never be married to a woman.

    However, the other day I asked my mom if I could bring my boyfriend for a family night that was planned and her excuse is, "I wish you wouldn't Nathaniel, it just isn't the right time." Is it ever going to be the right time? My boyfriend's family is so accepting of him (for most instances), and I just want to be able to share my family with him as well. I know it's bothering him and I don't know what to do.

    I'm at the point where I want to just show up with him somewhere where my family will be and be like, "This is "so and so" and this is my parents "so and so."" I want to do that so bad, but then again I don't want to make it awkward for my boyfriend. Any one have any advise or anything?
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, Nate! Nice to see you again :slight_smile:

    This can be difficult, and you're likely correct, there will never be a "right time" because she's still in some level of denial or embarrassment. (And, btw, this sort of thing isn't uncommon, nor is it limited to LGBT relationships; parents who disapprove of a child's partner, maybe because s/he is a different religion, ethnic origin, or whatever else, often play this game.)

    So if it's been a decent period of time you've been with him -- more than a month or two -- it might be reasonable to say to your mom "I'm sorry you feel this way, but ______ is an important part of my life, and part of *my* family, so if you don't feel like it's appropriate for him to come to this, I guess I won't be coming either." And, if necessary, keep giving that response to all invitations until she gets the message.

    That's about the healthiest way you can handle it; you aren't forcing her to let your boyfriend come to the event, but you're setting a boundary that he's a part of your life and family and needs to be included in family events, and if he isn't, then those aren't events you feel comfortable participating in, either. I think that's likely preferable to forcing something. I'm near certain that, given the choice, your mom will choose to have you and your boyfriend rather than having neither of you.

    My guess is that once she meets him, notices that he didn't showing up wearing pumps and a party dress, she'll figure out that the stereotypes and awkwardness she imagined simply isn't there and things will be fine.
     
  3. Filip

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    Welcome back!

    The advice Chip gave is already one option. They should eventually learn that your boyfriend is a part of your life, and that you're not going to keep pushing him away just because it isn't convenient for them.

    One other option might be to not do this on a family event for the first introduction. In a way, you're drawing him into their private space, which is a part where people feel most vulnerable.

    Maybe you should do the opposite: invite just your parents to have dinner with just your boyfriend, in a restaurant away from home. No commitment for an entire evening, you're not bringing anyone into their house, you're just asking for an hour and a half (less if they're fast eaters :wink:) of their time to introduce the guy. If that isn't the most reasonable kind of arrangement, I don't know what else could be...
     
  4. NateDawg

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    I've thought about both options. I'm almost to the point where I'm telling them I'm not even going to attend the thanksgiving family dinner with everyone. I'm going on this relationship for almost 5 months, been out two years and it's getting annoying. lol. I'm trying ot be as patient as ii can. They never even come visit my apartment.
     
  5. Lexington

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    I like the idea of inviting them to dinner in a neutral location. But why not make it even less formal? Ask if they'll meet you two for lunch or even coffee. That should be even shorter and a less "formal" introduction. If they refuse to go that route, just consider it a lost cause. You'll have done all you can, so at that point, just do as you see fit.

    Lex
     
  6. NateDawg

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    I'll give that a shot..> Thanks so much.