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NEED ADVICE - Questioning, thinking about telling gf

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by stilllovelyafte, Oct 10, 2011.

  1. stilllovelyafte

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    I apologize for any redundancy, though I promise there is a different angle to this post. I posted a few weeks back - I'm approaching 30, in a relationship with a wonderful woman for 7 years. I've been questioning my sexuality for a long time now, but for whatever reason just suppressed any and all thoughts on the subject. My girlfriend wanted to get married, and I told her I wasn't ready and suggested we take a break - probably the most difficult thing I've done (yet) in my life.

    In my previous posts I've asked, is it wrong that I didn't tell her why I split, all the while professing that I do love her and think she is incredible. People came down on both sides of the issue - you owe it to her to tell her, or, figure yourself out a bit, then tell her.

    My gut, throughout, has been telling me DO NOT TELL HER. You are not married, you do not have kids. MOST IMPORTANTLY, you're still not sure about your sexuality. Your feelings of attraction towards men have come and gone over the years, you don't feel much if any of this attraction at this point in time (your recent history still is filled with straight porn!), and while the ultimate outcome is probably obvious to lots of readers, to the poster, the lightbulb has not fully gone off. I promise, I'm working hard to connect the dots.

    In any event, the twist is this: would it be a bad idea to start telling my girlfriend the whole truth, even though I'm still telling myself? If I just sat her down (or more likely gave her a long heartfelt letter) and said something to the effect of:

    "I love you, and I never meant to hurt you. I left a lot unexplained when I left. It was because I was scared of losing you and also of fundamentally changing my life. Though this is probably shocking for you to hear, I've been questioning my sexuality. As I have a tendency to question everything in my life, big and small, I just assumed this was something my mind kicked up to scare myself. I'd work through it or it would go away. I knew, once those words left my lips, the effect was irreversible. If I told you, I worried (and worry) that I'd destroy our relationship and expose myself to the world. By hiding it, at least I got to be with you. What I've only now come to realize is that by hiding it, I also was destroyinig our relationship. I don't know who or what I am. I do know that I love you, and I want you in my life - as a girlfriend, as a friend, or in whatever capacity you'll have me at the end of this road."

    I'd obviously make it more personal, heartfelt, emotional. Part of me knows I won't go through with this, but I hope I can summon the courage to do the honorable thing - if in fact, it is the right/honorable thing. I have so many more questions than answers right now, and the last thing I

    ---------- Post added 10th Oct 2011 at 04:11 PM ----------

    is cause more pain and confusion.
     
  2. Chip

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    I think that's a reasonable compromise, though my original comments still stand: If you go to her before you have some reasonable clarity for yourself, you risk upsetting her without being able to clarify. You know she's going to ask whether you're gay or not (which, at this point, it doesn't sound like you can answer) and you also can guess that she will probably strongly push you in the direction of *not* being gay if she wants to keep you.

    So, if it were me, particularly since you're already separated, I think it would still make sense to wait a bit... that is, unless you feel like you already *do* know the answer, in which case, telling her sooner rather than later is probably your best bet. But I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship so there may be other factors that make it more important to tell her now... ultimately, it's a choice you have to make, all I'm suggesting is that you don't do something that might upset your own process of coming to understand yourself.
     
  3. stilllovelyafte

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    Chip, my gut agrees with you: wait until I have greater clarity before I tell her.

    For whatever reason, this evening, I've been thinking about it differently. She's moving on. Her perception of me is changing by the day, and likely the vacuum of an explanation is making her either think less of me or think I'm just pretty messed up. At some point, I hope we can become great friends - I worry that I may be jeopardizing that by not being honest.

    Honestly, there is a more unhealthy reason that I am thinking about this option. I just feel pretty horrible about myself these days. In addition to all of the stuff I've been dealing with over the years, there are new variables added: I've now hurt her. I am now alone. I haven't the first clue who the hell I am - even with the space apart. I've come up with a remarkable ability to scare myself - my life feel's like I'm walking on a tight rope.

    I sort of just want to throw my hands up and say "I'm incredibly f-ed up, I don't know how to deal with it, I have no answers, SOMEBODY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!"

    I have this weird desire to (or feel this strange anxiety that will only go away if I) just empty my mind to everyone around me. It's like I need to hit ground zero to rebuild my life.

    Apologies, I'm sort of rambling now. To sum up, I feel like, at some point, the path to an authentic life involves telling her. Maybe this isn't the right time - but I want to make sure I at least make that decision for the right reasons rather than because I'm scared to confront it.
     
  4. stilllovelyafte

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    Getting colder feet on the idea as more time goes on.
     
  5. Chip

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    You're absolutely right that the path to an authentic life means telling her. And maybe you are closer to knowing this answer than you think... otherwise, why would you be talking about rebuilding your life?

    Think of it this way: If you're not gay, you could just walk back to the life with her and be fine... except I wonder if a part of you already knows that isn't the right answer. So if that really *is* the case... maybe your fear is more about what it means to step outside your comfort zone and confront the fact you might be, or are, gay.

    So -- borrowing from advice Lex commonly gives here -- why not just try it out? Why not take tomorrow or the next day (or 2 days, or a week... whatever you want) and just decide that, for that day, you're going to "try on" being gay.

    Just, for that day, acknowledge that you're gay. Give yourself permission to look at guys. To imagine yourself being with a guy. To watch gay porn, or masturbate thinking about guys. To think of your girlfriend as your BFF and not your girlfriend.

    And see how it fits.

    Maybe it feels strange but wonderful. Maybe it feels *totally* not right. But you won't know until you try it. And if you do try it, and you do get a clear answer... then maybe you're ready to go and tell your gf, and be able to give her a clearer answer.

    Oh and... the other issues you're feeling are almost certainly tied in with this one. Our sexuality -- who we are attracted to -- is a really fundamental, foundational building block of who we are. When that foundation is rocked by something, it takes time to rebuild. So it's OK to feel fucked up, to not have answers, to be walking a tightrope. It all starts to change once the pieces start to fall in place... and I think you're pretty close to that. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Filip

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    To preface: I'm not a woman, nor have I ever been in a relationship with one. So my personal perspective might not be the most accurate one about how she'll react.

    What Chip says makes a lot of sense, but... my personal opinion is that lack of action is the worst action here.

    You say she's moving on. I suppose this means that at this point, there's not a whole lot of communication at all?
    After, I presume, 7 years of spending most of your waking, nonn-work time together...
    I have a hard time seeing how you can keep that up and expect to still walk into her life. Looking from her perspective: you announced (pretty much out of the blue) that you're feeling the need for a break, then left for weeks to months without any information, and then you expect to come in and say "I had some trouble there, but let's pick back up where we left off!" (or alternatively you come out and express a wish to still be best friends).

    In that time, she'll be forced to work with no information as to why you suddenly did a 180° turn on the idea of being with her, and the human mind does have a tendency to come up with possible disaster scenarios. Over weeks to months, something does risk to crack, and it's not easy to repair that by just declaring everything to be fine again.

    Plus, even if you end up coming to the realisation that you want to continue things, you'd have to tell her about your sexuality confusion once you get back (or lie using another excuse, but then there's a whole new problem of inauthenticity coming up...) leading, possibly, to her wondering why you didn't trust her to heklp you through that...

    And then there's the fact that, if you're obsessively worrying about how she'll react and how she's moving on and what she must be thinking of your recent actions, it's taking away from your capacity to get through your questioning. Or even forcing you to hold to an imaginary deadline of "must find out in X days or I can't go back!".

    And I think you are better off without all the constraints above.


    So, even with the full realisation that the suggested course of telling her is horribly difficult and draining, I would urge you to not take too long to tell her.

    By all means, use the other advice. If you haven't talked for a bit, a couple of days of: "let's try out being totally gay, if only in total privacy" isn't going to make a whole lot of difference. You might come to a conclusion sooner than you'd think. But in the long run, if you want to buy enough time and peace of mind to really get to the bottom of this, I think honesty is the best shot.
     
  7. s5m1

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    You have received some good advice from Chip and Filip. While I could be wrong, it sounds to me like you are probably gay and still not ready to accept it. I went through the same thing for a long time. If you think that is so, talking with her now may give you some relief from the guilt and torment you are feeling. She may actually be supportive and able to help you work through things.
     
  8. stilllovelyafte

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    Thanks all - can't tell you how much it means to me to come home to see your replies. It's honestly the highlight of my day. For what it's worth, I may give Lex's trying it on for a few days a shot tomorrow.

    Filip, I guess part of my fear is what you are getting at - by allowing time to pass, leaving things vague, maybe I am losing the prospect of keeping her as a friend down the road.

    s35m1*, you mention the benefit I am hoping for in sharing this information with her. 1. reducing the guilt and self torment and 2. maybe she'd be incredibly supportive. Both of these are best case scenarios and not necessarily the likely outcome, but who knows? She's a very open person - I can't imagine her being able to keep such a secret to herself, especially when she'll want advice in terms of how to proceed with the relationship.

    I guess what it comes down to is what Filip said - we used to spend all of our non-working time together. Now we are not talking. It's incredibly strange. She's out and about - not meeting guys (that I know of) - but living her life. Her life is moving on and mine feels like it's standing still. I'm still confused. I'm still posting anonymously. I'm still going back and forth on the see-saw like I was a month ago when we were together. The only difference? I'm alone.

    I have this fear that the next month will fly by, she'll finally be over me, and I'll be overcome with panic at giving up the one person on the planet who truly loved me. The worst part about this fear, is that I will have given up this love only to remain a coward, hiding from my thoughts and feelings! At that point, she may not be interested in hearing my story, understanding me, supporting me (as a friend or otherwise).

    Put another way, I'm unbelievably terrified of losing the only person I've ever loved (even if it was the fucked up mismatched sort of love). I guess my thought of sharing my story was like a last grasp of hope to keep her engaged in my life.

    Or, as Chip sort of hints, it may expose some premature confused thoughts, thoughts I need some time alone to develop. It might put me in a scared, vulnerbale place that stymies my development. Who knows?

    One thing worth noting about my gf (do I call her ex-gf at this point?), she is incredibly positive and resilient. I think, and this isn't minimizing the depth of her love for me, she'll get over her pain more quickly than most. I also think, she has the capacity to get over my keeping this from her (or decision to continue keeping this from her, for that matter).
     
  9. stilllovelyafte

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    Commandz, as I mentioned, I'm asking similar questions. Hope this thread can be of help to you too. The trio of wisemen - Filip, Chip, and s5m1 - have given some good advice so far! Welcome more of course! I don't know how to insert that help emoticon.
     
  10. stilllovelyafte

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    turns out she has been seeing other people. well that's a kick between the eyes. i guess i should have expected that. still hurts though.

    ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2011 at 09:24 PM ----------

    turns out she has been seeing other people. well that's a kick between the eyes. i guess i should have expected that. still hurts though.
     
  11. Filip

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)

    Well, this might be a bit blunt, but I'm guessing that after calling off the possibility of a wedding and barely talking for some time, she started assuming that this was your way of ending the relationship.

    Personally, I do think that at this point, it might make sense to tell her anyway. I can't think of another excuse that would explain your behaviour, and not talking is obviously not going to fix things. The other option would be to cut her off entirely, but after being committed to each other for 7 years, I think some way of talking this over might be apt for both you and her. And trust me, spending a lot of time angsting about what she is doing, and only finding out with bits and pieces is only going to put you through more hurt.


    In a way, this doesn't need to be entirely a bad thing. Like I said above, maybe the doubt between proceeding with your questioning and the fear about not being able to get back to the situation before you went on a break was paralysing you. Maybe to open a door (to whatever you might find out on the other side), it was necessary to close another one.
    It sucks to find out that she's moving on, it really does, and I can't give enough (*hug*), but this might be just what you can use to make a move forward yourself.

    (*hug*)
     
  12. commandZ

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    I'm still living with my girlfriend at the moment but I've been wondering the same thing. Do I come clean and tell her I'm gay or just make something up. I was expecting, like you, to get my advice split down the middle but everyone was voting for honesty. Intellectual me gets it but emotional me is scared shitless. And yeah I have the same big BUT in the back of my mind...what if I'm wrong? What if I'm not gay? Then I've hurt someone I love and ruined my chances of a relationship in the future. But if we stay with them then we'll never know and always be wondering.

    I'm still trying to build up the courage but in the mean time my girlfriend knows that something is up. She has expressed an underlying anxiety that is constantly there and she can't seem to get rid of. Whatever we're going through/struggling with they can feel it guaranteed. Women are super perceptive. My girl has asked me several times if something's going on and I can't take the opening to tell her. But I think when I do it's going to be the truth. Even if the truth is that I'm questioning and I'm not 100% sure it's better than inventing a problem that doesn't exist. I think I owe it to her to have all the information so she can process and move on. I don't want her holding on the idea that we MIGHT get back together. That's not fair.

    I gotta give you a pat on the back for initiating the break because my girlfriend has just told me that she want's to get pregnant in the next year (panic!) and I still can't bring myself to make a move.
     
  13. stilllovelyafte

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    Thanks, Filip. Appreciate the advice and the response. I've been thinking about some variations of your advice throughout the day. This sucks, there is no way around that. But, I guess I should be happy that, albeit reluctantly, she is able to pick up the pieces and move forward in the face of a tough split.

    Part of me wants to follow your advice and be honest - explain why I left, give her the missing piece to the puzzle. Unfortunately, my mind and body are playing catch up, trying to unwind a decade of denial. I'd have to give her one of those part-way confessions - I'm questioning my sexuality, I don't have the answers to many of your questions, but I need you to know that - rather than I'm gay, I'm bi. I also couldn't expect her to keep that information to herself. She might go to friends for advice. Even my parents if she emerged very worried about me! I just can't fathom being on the receiving end of this conversation - after 7 years of intimacy, a healthy sex life, night spent at each others side, you tell me that you're WHAT?!? Those are the thoughts on the negative side of the ledger.

    Then I think of the positive. How many times in your life do you have the chance to really do the right thing? Something almost heroic - in an odd way. Though it might be excruciating, painful, etc., there is the possibility of setting things right with the person I love and exposing my true self to the world. Filled with fears and anxiety, no doubt, but likely the most real, significant, and authentic moment of my life. Apologies for the rare delusion of grandeur. I usually fall on the self depricating side of things, so I'm not sure where this came from :bang:

    In any event - tomorrow I'm going to try a few things. One, trying it on, as Lex suggests. Two, thinking concretely, about what it might be like to tell her.


    Re Commandz: I'm right there with you. Taking this space was the single most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I couldn't even take the leap - I opened the door, but I could not walk out - it ended up falling on her to push me out. On the flip side, you do have a few things going for you here: 1. you've had some same sex experience. While you are still questioning, you've at least got some concrete experience to work with. 2. your gf knows a bit about these experiences. You have been honest with her about this.

    One other thought - I know this sounds funny, but her desire to get pregnant, while causing you pressure, might be a good thing. As with my dilemma, the questioning could theoretically go on forever. In my situation, it was whether to marry rather than pregnancy. Nonetheless, the pressure here might be the kick in the ass necessary to force us to confront our thoughts and feelings. Who knows? In my current f-ed up state, I should cede the advice floor to others.
     
  14. stilllovelyafte

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    just wanted to "refresh" this post on the off chance there were more people out there who had thoughts on the subject. i'm still struggling with the same decision. its been a brutal week at work, so i've given myself a brief mental vacation from all of this stuff.

    commandz, any progress?
     
  15. Daisy1

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    I said something similar to this to my boyfriend of six years and it actually went pretty well. He suspected something was up, and was glad to know what it was. He's being fairly supportive as I figure out what's going on.

    In contrast to the other posters, I think your gf might appreciate being part of the process. It might be easier to tell her what you're going through as it happens and ease her in to the possible outcome of your being gay, rather than to shock her with a full revelation in several months. I think it would also make it easier to stay friends afterwards.
     
  16. stilllovelyafte

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    Thanks, Daisy. What ended up happening, if you don't mind me asking?

    Another more general question, I have to expect that if I share my questioning with her that she will share it with someone else, right? I can't (reasonably) expect her to keep this to herself. For those of you who did confide in your partner, were they the first person you told?

    Many people here have shared stories of their gf's or bf's being understanding and supportive. Should I prepare myself for the possibility of a more angry/volatile response?

    Part of me wants to just tell her my story - get the monkey off my back, let her move on or the two of us work through the process together. I feel like an idiot going back and forth on the same topic for months, but I went so long without actually entertaining the idea of taking serious action, so it makes sense I'd spend some time agonizing over actually doing something.
     
  17. Daisy1

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    Well, I still haven't figured out what my deal is, so we're still together, although we are long-distance and don't see each other as often as we used to. Obviously it's not his favorite subject, but he does ask me how I'm doing with it every once in a while.

    I first confided to my best friend, then another friend, then my therapist, and finally my bf. At first, I asked him not to tell anyone, but realizing that was unfair, I said it was fine if he wanted to talk about with his best friend or someone like that.

    It's probably smart to be prepared for anything. It's impossible to know how someone will react. I think the best you can do is stress how important she is to you and how you just want to be honest and don't want to hurt her.

    I hope that helps! Let me know if you have any more questions.
     
  18. Gallatin

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    I agree with Daisy here. I came out to the girl I had been dating, and she took it fine and has turned into one of my best friends. But, you can't be sure how somebody's going to react. I was afraid she'd flip out when she found out and wouldn't want anything to do with me. Luckily, I was wrong.

    So yeah, like Daisy said, just be prepared for different responses. Hopefully she'll take it well, but you should be ready if she doesn't. Everybody's different in how they react to things.
     
  19. Filip

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    Well, maybe not (then again, this isn't your average secret, so she might be more accomodating than you think). But, do bear in mind that this is a topic that you can (and should) bring up when having the talk with her.
    This isn't you saying "oh, by the way, this might put things in perspective: I'm questioning my sexuality" and then walking away. There is room to discuss where you're coming from and how you want to move forward. Ideally, you'll have quite the conversation about it and might have a couple more down the line.

    So ideally, even if she is a very extrovert type and needs someone to bounce ideas back on, you can probably still ask her to keep it somewhat under wraps. Such as by asking her only to confide in one or two close friends (if you know her friends well, you might even discuss who you'd be most confortable with to be in on the secret), and to leave telling your family and friends for a bit until you're more certain of yourself first.

    Also, you can make yourself available as much as possible. If necessary even by arranging a short call every evening or so. That way, she's less left on her own, theorising about what might be going on.

    That doesn't eliminate the possibility of her telling someone else entirely, but it does channel it into paths that you can somewhat predict, if not control.
     
  20. Jim1454

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    My ex wife was very respectful of my desire to work through this at my pace. She kept it to herself (for the most part) and talked with our therapist about it.

    I say for the most part - because I think she did confide in a couple of her good friends before very long, but these were people who were in a very different circle than my friends or my family, so there wasn't really any risk of word getting back to anyone. They were also very accepting people, just like my ex wife is. When my best friends (a couple) called my ex wife a few months after we had separated to ask if our separation was due to the fact that I was gay, she denied it still. But she called me to let me know they had asked, and I took the opportunity to tell them. They were the first people to know other than my ex, my doctor, and my counsellor.