I know this is long but I am really lost and hurting here, so it kind of needed to be long. Ok, so I came out to my parents on Sunday. Some of you may know from my previous posts that I am part of a very religious family with semi-homophobic parents. As soon as I said it they just sat in silence for about five minutes until my dad began to talk. He was saying that it is a hard life to have, but he never said anything harsh or against it. Me and him talked for about ten or fifteen minutes and my mom had never said a word. Well she never said anything significant just some chit chat. Once I left for a little bit we all hugged and she told me she still loved me. That night just me and her talked and she was giving me the whole speech about her dreams with my life (like having a wedding and children). When I explained to her that I will still have a wedding, I will still have children, and those children will still call her grandma she seemed almost relaxed. The next morning though, I came home from school and she wouldn't say a word to me, the only thing she said was "ok." I asked her if she was ok and she looked at me and shook her head no. I left the room then came back and opened the PFLAG document and told her to read it, and if she had any questions to come and talk to me. Well five minutes later she got in her car and left. Later that night she texted me "I still love you but I am really hurting," and thats the last thing she has sent me. It doesn't help that she is flying out to St. Louis tomorrow and Won't see her for a week, and the person she is visiting is my sister who called me a sinner and was living a disgusting lifestyle. I just don't know what to do, I hurt so bad and I don't know what to do. Please help me, how do I help this situation. I was going to send her to this site but I have posted a good bit recently and my name isn't exactly inconspicuous. Any advice would help me so much.
I'm sorry, I know first hand what you are going through can be difficult (*hug*) Quite honestly I don't know what to tell you to do because its been like 10 months since I came out to my mom and she still won't talk to me and is in total denial about it. She told me that it was harder for her then finding out her dad had died, and that she just started crying at work, and many more hurt hurtful things. She lost her job not long after and I felt really guilty for a long time, like I had ruined her life. Yet since that night we have never discussed my sexuality again. You can't force a parent to educate themselves about what it means to have a gay son. You've given her the resource, now its up to her to become comfortable enough to read it. I'm confident things will get better for you, unfortunately I just can't say how long cause they still haven't really for me yet =/ I truly wish you the best of luck though and hope your mom comes around better then mine has.
Hi, Jake, First, congrats on coming out to them in spite of knowing they might have difficulties with it. Second, your mom will be OK. Right now, she's just finding out about something that you've had probably 10+ years to think about at some level. She's got her religious beliefs and all of the expectations she had that have to be processed and reassembled into this new schema of you, and how you and your family fit in her eyes. But it's clear she has a really good sense of what's important. Remember that the stages of loss are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. What you're feeling now is the anger, and it will pass. Now... your sister may fill her head with nonsense momentarily, but your mom sounds like she's smart enough to not hold onto that. And your dad seems like he completely understands. Jon's experience isn't typical, but it isn't unique either. So it may take some time... but (and I say this to Jon as well)... both of your parents will eventually come around and be ok with it. I can say that with a high degree of confidence.
Sorry, I had a major typo in my last post. I made it sound like she doesn't speak to me anymore, but what I meant was that she still doesn't speak to me about my sexuality. She's in denial, still trying to act like it never happened. (I'm actually living at home at the moment, and its pretty awkward knowing my parents know but never having it brought up) Also, I'm not trying to make this thread about me, but thanks for the word of confidence, Chip. I'm sure it will too. Jake, I just wish I could tell you it will get better soon. I'm sure you're mom will probably come around sooner then mine does. I think most people come to terms with it sooner then she has taken already.
Today she came to my work and we both went to lunch together. We were eating and I couldn't stomach a bite I just felt sick about this. I asked her if she wanted to talk about this and she started to tear up. She started talking about me being a sinner and this and that. She thinks I am gay because she was fat when I was a kid and she let me play with dolls, I mean come on! I told her that yesterday her behavior was like I had just told her I had cancer and only a few weeks to live. She responded "thats how it feels." Once I told her my intentions are to find another gay Christian man she was taken aback by such a crazy comment. I told her about the gay Christian dating sites and she says to me that she would bet there are sites where you could find Christian pedophiles. I had it I was already late to work so I broke down all the key verses I gave her every argument I had, I explained everything I believe and how I want to live my life. Finally a ray of hope, she didn't argue she almost slightly agreed. After our hug and half hearted I love you's she got in the car and headed to the airport... Happy ncod
Get "Prayers for Bobby" and watch it with your mom. (Available on itunes.) It will resonate for her. It's based on a true story, and Bobby's mom was one of the most hardcore Bible-thumping holy rollers ever. The movie is about her coming to understand that being Christian and being gay aren't at odds with each other, and, eventually, about her transformation. She is still, in real life, a major advocate/speaker for PFLAG. Also, see if she'll agree to go to a PFLAG meeting with you. (If she agrees, prime it in advance by calling and arranging to speak with one of the members who is Christian; there are quite a few in PFLAG, and your local chapter is bound to have one.) The important thing here is she's staying engaged, and what she's trying to do now is reconcile her beliefs with her love for you. That's a really good sign. You just need to be patient and try to understand, from her perspective, how hard it is to reconcile what she's always been taught with the reality of how God created you.
Thanks chip, I think that because its my mother I am more pushy to become accepted. I can deal with rejection from almost anyone else but it just hurts so bad to not be fully accepted by my mother for the first time in my life. I would love to go to a pflag meeting with my parents, and thinking about it they should be willing to go beings they show signs of hope. It's just sucks knowing I am causing her all this pain and she is gone for a week so I can't talk with her.
