Venting/rant

I know every time I pop up around here it's usually about the same thing, but with no one else to turn to this is really the only place I can talk about anything. I keep hoping that maybe one of these days I'll go through this down period, someone will mention some solution, then it'll work and everything will turn out perfectly. Well, here's to that hope.

Ever since my graduation in June I've been going through these past few months feeling pretty useless and lonely. I know it's a depressing thing to say, but they're the only words that I can come up with that is close to describing what I've been feeling.

The feeling of being useless is stemming from the fact that I'm not in school thanks to my mom and that I still haven't found a job. This could possibly change soon since after putting in about 5-6 applications at at least 5 places every month since March, I finally got a call back from my local Target for an interview. Went on the interview and everything went pretty good, now I'm just waiting to hear from them this week or next week.

Loneliness though is something on an entirely different level. I moved from the city where I grew up last year in April, and even though I've been in this new city for over a year I still have yet to make a single real friend. Sure there's the four people I met during my time at school out here before I graduated, but we had literally nothing in common and really only hung out together at school because it gave us something to do during break/lunch. Growing up as a kid up until I was about 14 I lived in another city in this apartment building we moved into when I was 5 and made a few friends there and since they were all within the same building it was no effort to just walk outside to hang out with them. Since we've all moved we've all lost contact with each other and the only one that I do happen to bump into every now and then isn't the same person anymore. That being said, I've grown up from then until now feeling isolated. Every morning I do pretty much the exact same routine of sleeping until 8, watching tv until 10, then trying to find something to do to pass time until I can fall asleep long enough to sleep into the next day and do it all over again and I'm going nuts. I HATE being alone. It only figures that since I hate being alone I'd have no way to make friends out where I am now. To top this off, I'm moving yet again soon around sometime in November. I'm pretty sure too it's going to be heading to some area near the mountains which is about a 60-90 minute drive from where I live now meaning I'll have to start over again, though there's anything I'll be leaving behind out here. I'm already a really quiet/shy person which is even worse when there's not even a place anywhere near here where people would normally gather for hanging out. Even just walking around out here is no good since just about everyone drives. There's a mall about 15-20 minutes away by bus and the amusement park Knott's is like only a 20 minute walk from where I live but there's never anyone inside the mall along with Knott's revolving around roller coasters and rides with me being afraid of both.

Last time I posted something like this there was mention of volunteer work but the closest place to me is a YMCA that's about an hour bus ride away which is in turn about a 2 hour walk. I wouldn't mind taking the bus there, but I normally don't/wouldn't even have bus money to get there and back when needed which kills that idea leaving me back at square one.

To top this all off a while back (around August) I thought I'd finally met someone to be friends with/possibly date since he's gay and there was a second guy that a girl I know from the city I grew up in introduced me to. That ended badly with the first guy only wanting me for sex (which I wasn't going for) and the second guy only wanting me because the first guy did leaving me alone yet again. Along with this there's the guy I met online last year in November that I've talked to off and on with. The day after we met online we met in person and went out for lunch and everything seemed to being going really good. Then we hung out at his place that weekend and since then everything's just been going downhill. We started speaking less and less until the beginning of May with a few points in which we didn't talk at all, met up again a bit before by birthday, and I haven't seen him since. We kept in touch but after I'd been excitedly telling him my birthday was the 23rd every day for about a week then the day comes and he couldn't even bother to come see me, call, or even just simply send a text saying happy birthday I realized I'm just wasting my time with him. He seems to be a genuinely nice guy, even if he is a major flake, and although in my mind I wish it could develop into a relationship I know in my heart there's no chance of that happening whatsoever and I've come to realize that over the past few months. It also doesn't make matters any better that I'm 18 and he's 32 and going on 33 sometime this month.

There's also been mention of friends online but for me it just isn't the same. I need some kind of physical (can't think of a word to describe this) I guess connection? I want someone that I can see in person and hang out with. While I don't mind having friends online, I'd just like to be able to see them without being on the other side of a screen. And more than ever right now I just really wish I had a boyfriend I could hang out with and cuddle with and hug and just be able to talk to while being supportive to help me through this. While I really do value everyone here on EC, I wish I could talk with someone face to face instead of having to type everything out or do so with a screen separating us.

Well this is the end of my rant. Thanks to anyone that can sit and read all of that and even more to any responses/suggestions/advice from anyone.