Help! I have no idea what my orientation is. Im confused, angry, depressed, scared...

So just to warn this is going to be a long post. If you do not think you have the time to read it, thats fine I understand. But please be respectful about it and just leave the topic instead of making a post saying TL;DR (Too Long Didn't Read). Dont know how common the TL; DR response is on these boards as this is my first time posting them so sorry if I am coming across as rude and presumptuous if this is not a common thing here.

Ok anyways here is some back story on myself. Im a younger guy, 22 years old. In College. Come from a very religious household and religious family who aren't very tolerant of gays to say the least. I myself have no problem with gays and wish them the best of luck as I would anyone. My early life I thought I was straight. The past few years I thought I was bi and now I don't know what I am and think I might be gay. Due to my family issues and the kind of friends I know, there is really no one in real life I can talk about this too without feeling ashamed and scared.

So anyways starting off in life I have ALWAYS noticed girls and had strong feelings for girls. I remember I got my first crush back in kindegarden lol which was on a girl. Have continued to have STRONG POWERFUL emotions over girls all the way to my current age. Emotions of love and heartbreak. Again cannot stress how powerful these are. I could definately see myself being in love with a girl the rest of my life. Every since I was a kid I always though girls were extremely physically attractive. Beautiful, cute, and even hot. Would look at a girl and just feel that attraction and that emotional response even later in life up to now. Still feel that way. Everything about them from their pretty faces, beautiful captivating eyes, long hair, femme curves/ butt and even their cleavage. Vaginas I feel so-so about. Dont really do anything for me but for the most part it doesnt gross me out either. Other then that though, Love it all. Guys, I never thought anything about growing up and didn't look at a guy and think "hes cute" or "hes hot". I never had any crushes or emotional feelings about guys early in life either.

Then you fast forward to when I was 13-15. About this time I started to develop my first sexual feelings and thoughts. And strangely enough I found out they were about GUYS, not girls. Especially being in the bottom role when being with a guy. It turned me on immensely. I have no idea why. I found I was extremely attracted to male genital anatomy. I ignored these feelings though. I would masterbate while thinking about them, feel guilty, then go on acting like they didnt exist. I would go about in real life and still find girls hot, still crush over them; then look at guys feeling no physical desire and no emotional desire and think nothing of it. I even would watch straight porn. I never did like gay porn as it always had uber manly hairy nasty guys in it. But more often enough while watching straight porn I would imagine myself being in the womans role instead of the guys but all while only enjoying looking at the woman and finding her attractive??? I know it sounds weird but thats the best way I can describe it. Didnt care looking for the guy at all as most of the time never found them attractive. Also curiously I never watched vaginal porn, just anal and oral. It was these porns are what did it for me. As I got older it got to the point i was experimenting with guys online and "role playing" or "cybering" with them. While I didn't like viewing gay porn directly I loved imagining sex with guys in my own terms and with certain guys. Also got heavily into shemales as to me they were the best of both worlds. As beautiful and appealing as girls but as sexually satisfying as guys.

And then when I was around 17-18 I got my first gay crush. It was a on a guy I worked with at my first job. He was a thai immigrant visiting his family for a few years working here and he was a year or 2 older then me and understood english fairly well. I found him physically attractive, emotionally attractive, and sexually attractive. Being around him gave me as much desire to kiss or hug him as I have had with any girl and unlike girls I had a an extreme desire to have sex with him. Emotionally I felt a heavy infatuation/light crush with him but still not as strong as the powerful romantic feelings ive experienced with girls. Unfortunately he was straight (if not a bit bi curious by how he acted around me) so we never actually did anything with each other, other then subtle flirtations and he eventually moved back home. At this point I realized I was probably bi but still "straight oriented" as the idea of being with like 95% of all guys grossed me out and I never had emotional attatchment to guys other then this guy. I still have never had this strong of emotional feelings for a guy since (although I have had extremely minor infatuations or curiosities about a few guys i have known). I just sort of ignored the sex bit of things even though girls werent turning me on.

Now fast forward to now and due to some circumstances of my life and just time running its course, I just cant ignore these feelings anymore. I started experimenting more and more. I got to make out with girls (some really hot girls) and even grope them slightly and found myself never getting aroused. With that being said I still have a strong desire to make out with girls, hug them, or even grope them just not much to actually have sex with them. One time I was making out with a girl and she was getting heavily into it putting my hand to her chest and feeling my groin (with her arm just to "see" not really to stimulate me) and I remember having to think of gay fantasies to get me hard so she wouldnt suspect anything. I recently in the past few months tried watching gay porn again and found out I enjoyed twink porn a lot. Found out that the guys I am attracted to are twinks, younger guys around my age 18-25. Slimmer but muscularly toned hairless bodies, cute softer faces with a boyish charm to them (although not looking like an actual young boy). I just like it when a faces have a touch of femminine quality to it rather then looking really touch and many. But even in twink porn I only find like 50% of the actors hot. There are so many guys out there a girl or gay guy would kill for thinking they are sexy and they have no appeal to me. The idea of being with them even grosses me out.

So all in all I am so confused. IMO there are three main levels of attraction when it comes to the opposite sex (or even same sex). That is 1. Physical attraction (Do I find this person to be hot, sexy, beautiful, handsome, or cute?) 2. Emotional attraction (Do I find myself with butterflies in my stomach around this person, do I have a crush on them, do I have romantic feelings for them, do I love them??) 3. Sexual attraction (do I find the idea of having sex with them to be stimulating and arousing, does being around them or performing bodily contact with them sexually arouse me?)

With that being said, when its comes to girls I have extremely extremely powerful physical and emotional attractions to girls. And when I say powerful I mean powerful. Feelings that cannot be denied. I have a strong strong desire to be in love with a girl, to be married to a girl, to be in a relationship with a girl. These are not feelings and desires I have tried to trick myself into btw to fit in with society. They are legitimate powerful and natural feelings. But my sexual desire for them are nonexistant. Besides making out, kissing, and groping (which I have strong desires for as well) I have no bodily desire to actually have sex with a girl; thats oral or vaginal. And the idea doesnt turn me on at all. I dont get aroused to it. The idea of having sex with a girl doesnt gross me out though. In matter of fact MENTALLY, I really want to have sex with a girl. I think I would enjoy it a lot but my body, it just doesnt want to co-operate.

Then you get to guys. As far as physical attraction goes, I only think a few guys are cute or even hot. These guys are very very rare as 95-98% of all guys are repulsive to me. This attraction is weaker then it is for girls. And I find my attraction for girls to be a much broader spectrum then for the limited ammount of guys. As far as emotional attraction goes, I just have never felt in love with a guy. I felt fleeting feelings of butterflies with a guy every now and then I have felt a light crush on a guy through that thai guy but thats it. The guys I do crush on are also very rare and these feelings are dwarfed by the powerful extremely powerful emotions i have for girls. I suppose they show some potential but thats it. Then you get to sexual attraction and the idea of having sex with a guy (again from the bottom role) drives me crazy and turns me on a lot. I love the idea and its about all I ever masterbate too. Its so powerful I can actually get hard just by thought by it. While girls I always have to help "touch" myself to get hard for and as soon as i stop touching, I go soft again.

I just don't understand it and I am so confused. I almost feel like a straight guy (with maybe a slight dose of bi-curiosity) trapped in an exclusively gay guys body. Why wont my body co-operate with me. Why does it mentally and physically turn me on with guys and have no reaction whatsoever with girls? I feel like I would be happier and stronger attracted to a straight relationship (this is a natural desire btw ignoring trying to fit in with societys pressures) then a gay one. But since my body doesn't get aroused by girls, I feel like I am doomed as soon as sex comes into play. And then with guys, there are so very very very few I feel attracted to so I feel like my chance of finding a bf is very very rare and I feel like my feelings for such wont be nearly as powerful and fulfilling as it is with girls. But I would have an amazing and fulfilling sex life.

I just don't know what to do. Im tired of being confused, I rather be exclusively gay and have all three physical, emotional, and sexual attractions match up for a shift then them being split so much. But of course at the end of the day I really would just like to be sexually turned on by girls so a normal relationship would seem feasible. Im just angry and frustrated at the situation. Im confused and scared because of the idea of being gay could destroy my life and family relations (even friends). And Im depressed and sad about it in that I dont think I will ever get this resolved and ever find someone who makes me happy (or I can make them happy). Because honestly I could be with a girl and not barely ever sex if at all and be happy. But that would be unfair for her. And the idea of not being able to perform for a girl and her seeing me unaroused is humiliating.

As stated before, I dont know what to do. I know the typical response will be "dont worry about labels and go for who you want or like" but I feel like that still wont help me I wont be able to sexually perform for who I like and want (girls) and I dont think I ever will find a "Mr. Right" due to what a small part of the male population I find attractive and I dont think it would be as emotionally/ physically fulfilling as it would be with a girl since those feelings are so weak for guys when compared to women. And I dont see my situation changing in the future. I feel like my options are A. Keep going after girls like I desire and enjoy but watch every attempt with them crumble when sex comes eventually. As much as want to or try to, seeing myself unable to perform B. Hope I find a guy I like but he either neither comes due to the rarity of my attraction in them or I do find him and find myself not as happy I would be with a girl. or C. Say screw it and just stay celibate and single the rest of my life and die alone.

Also another note to why I wonder if I could truly be gay or am scared to be gay. Is, I just dont identify or even really like (if I may be honest) gay culture. I dont feel a part of the gay community or relate to it. If anything I relate and feel a part of the straight community and relate to straight guys. Im pretty masculine acting and have masculine interests. Pretty much your typical guy. And also the rare 3%-5% of guys Im attracted to, Im also attracted to the masculine "straight acting" behaviour. I dont care to be around "stereotypical" effeminate acting gay guys and find some of the extremely flamboyent's one's behaviour to be a bit unsettling if annoying. I just dont care to be around it if I am to be honest with myself. But to anyone who reads this that does feel they fit more of the stereotypical mold or the effiminate mold, please do not be offended. I have nothing against gays who fit the more steretypical image. I realize they are who they are and I respect that. I just dont relate to them or care to be around that behavior myself. I would never judge or be mean to a gay person like this though. Normally I wouldnt even bring this up out of respect for every gay guy like this out there and keep these feelings to myself but I feel like they might be important to figuring out my orientation. And also I do realize that there are many different types of gays and the "stereotypical" image is just one group of them. In closing of this paragraph, my sincerest and deepest apologies if this paragraph offended anyone.

So to those who have read this huge book of a post. I appreciate it. All opinions and thoughts or welcomed. Is there any way I can gain either a sexual attraction for girls or a physical/emotional attraction for guys and a wider spectrum of guys?