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sexual arousal to the other sex. does that mean anything?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by needshelp, Oct 12, 2011.

  1. needshelp

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    let's say i got sexually aroused to pictures of a member of an opposite sex. does that change the fact that i'm still gay?
     
  2. you could be bisexual?
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Let me put it to you this way: If a straight guy, who has had feelings for women and none for men all his life, once became aroused by a (probably deliberately provocative and sexualized) picture of a man, would this mean that that he was "not really straight"? Even if it never happened again?

    Even if, under some strict definition, it does mean that, is it really relevant in any way to life? Should he come out, break up with his girlfriend, or whatever? Or should he just think, "huh, that was different," and go about his business?

    Whether you are gay or on the "mostly gay" end of bisexual is not a very big distinction, really. Don't latch onto this as an excuse to go back to thinking you might really be straight after all. I mean, you've been there before, right?
     
  4. needshelp

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    i see what you're saying. it's that i'm trying to understand myself and i know i've been given advice on this. it's just annoying how i think i'm there and all of a sudden, some bullshit comes up where i'm in question mode again. i know i'm gay but how gay am i? i want to be completely sure of myself before i go about living my life.
     
  5. Sharkattack2222

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    Hey, it's better to be sure of yourself than to get into a gay relationship and than bail out after sometime together because you are worried you'll never be sure if a straight relationship/lifestyle was ever possible.
     
  6. coastgirl

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    I know what you're saying and it confuses me too.

    As a girl I sometimes get slightly turned on by pictures of half naked, buff dudes, but at the end of the day I really don't want to do anything physical with a guy. I like to look, but I don't want to go there. If that makes any sense? It is strange, it's just the way I am. I don't get butterflies from guys, I get em from girls. It's a totally different feeling when I'm sitting next to a girl I have a crush on rather than a guy I think is physically attractive. I don't want to GET physical with the guy.
     
  7. Raeil

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    As you said, you know you're gay. Perhaps you're not a full-on Kinsey 6, but from what I've seen of your posts and from your own confidence, you're likely higher than a Kinsey 4, so... pretty gay. The next time something like this happens, where you get turned on by a member of the opposite sex, rather than going into questioning mode, just go with the flow. There's nothing wrong with being Kinsey 4, 5, 5.9, etc. and so if you happen to have some attractions to members of the opposite sex (even if the broad majority of your attractions are to members of the same sex), that's just a part of yourself. The labels aren't meant to be confusing, so don't try to force yourself to fit them. Don't think "Oh, I'm aroused by a girl, so I'm clearly not gay," think "Hmm, that was odd," as stated above, and move on.

    It's impossible to be 100% of anything in life. Hell, tomorrow I could wake up and suddenly feel a MAJOR attraction to a girl on my campus, and that would mean that I'm not a consistent Kinsey 6. However, I'd still identify as gay. Even if that trend continued, and I found myself mostly attracted to girls instead of guys, it's as simple as updating my definition of myself as time goes on. The point is, if you live your life waiting for a 100% confirmation of your sexuality, you probably won't get it, so live your life anyway and enjoy what it has to offer. It's definitely possible, and it's amazingly fun! Hope that helps! :slight_smile:
     
  8. TheEdend

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    And that is very tricky to do.

    I actually had a pretty hard time trying to figure exactly what I was, what I felt and when I felt it. I will tell you right now that its pretty impossible to be completely sure about anything in life.

    What worked for me, and I know its extremely hard, is to enjoy the ride while I get there. Instead of focusing on figuring it out in order to enjoy life, what about enjoying life while you figure it all out?

    If you look at a girl and you like it, then go ahead and like it. Don't question it or over analyze it, just like it. Same thing goes with guys.

    I know, way harder than it sounds, but it all goes with practice. When you start over thinking things stop yourself and allow yourself to enjoy it :slight_smile:
     
  9. Filip

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    It mostly means you're not so gay that your mind replaces girls by dark voids that you can't notice :wink:

    Like some of the above posters said, it's never a black/white deal. Even if you're as gay as they come, there's going to be the occasional girl that has a lot of the things you like in guys, and this will cause some attraction.

    While my attractions are normally almost completely skew towards guys, I do have the occasional girl that makes me think "I wish I could go straight for that one!" And while I never really get aroused to full-on female nudity, there are some more clothed pics of girls that would make me look twice or thrice.

    And, not to get too graphic, but I do on occasion use straight porn as inspirational material. I'm perfectly able to see some of that stuff is hot enough.


    I think the main thing factoring into me calling myself gay is that, in real life, I know the feeling I get from guys I like vs. girls I like.
    There's girls I really like spending time with, and who I can see how they're attractive physically. And occasionally this evolves into a mushy feeling of "awww, she's so totally awesome, I wish we could spend more time together"
    But then, with guys, the feeling is different. If I really like a guy, I'll have all of the above, plus that undescribable extra lovey-dovey feeling. Wondering how it would be to fall asleep together on the couch or to make a long walk together, wondering whether he's thinking of me the way I think of him... that sort of stuff.

    Regardless what some pictures might do on a purely physical level, I'm not going to date those pictures, nor do I ever get the feelings I get for guys in real life over them.

    So yeah. It's not totally impossible I'll ever meet a girl that makes me go wild. And if a girl like that comes along, screw my normal orientation! But as so far it has never happened, so I decided to go with the 95% of my attraction instead of the theoratical other 5%...


    So it depends... how do you skewtowards real, in-the-flesh people?

    And one other thing to remember is also to take into account your motivation in getting aroused to this picture. Was it a random picture? Or were you actively trying to get aroused to prove you might not be gay after all?
     
  10. DhammaGamer

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    I like boys and girls, and in different ways depending on the person. Sometimes I think I'm a boy and sometimes I wish I was a girl. My spectrum of sexuality/gender is probably not the norm but I know where you're coming from when you say it's confusing or difficult. I'd take Filip's advice. Pay more attention to who's in front of you and how you feel about them and less about the concept in your mind that you've built up to be something that it's not.
     
  11. Lexington

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    First off, let me tell you how it was/is for me and me alone.

    When I was a teenager, the only porn I looked at was straight. Most of that had to do with the timeframe. It was the 80s, and about the only readily available porn was straight-based. And it was "softcore" - which meant a lot of breasts, not much vagina, lots of women, hardly any men, and on the rare occasion when there was a guy, you might get a glimpse of his ass (and certainly nothing else). And I didn't have regular access - I might get lucky and get a castoff Playboy, or catch a rather sketchy movie on late-night cable.

    In college, I realized I was gay. And I can't say my earlier usage of straight porn confused me or worried me much. (It was pretty clear which gender was turning me on.) But at one point, I remember thinking back on it. If I were gay - which I was pretty sure I was - then why wasn't straight porn a turnoff?

    I came to the conclusion that the straight porn was sexually exciting to me...but not really "directly", but by association. The women were always naked (or nearly so), in seductive poses, looking to the man (rarely) or the camera in a "come hither" sort of way. And I associated that (naturally) with sex. That "my dick gets hard and I feel sexual" sort of feeling. That whole new, semi-forbidden, exciting world that I was only just beginning to learn about. And as a teen, with my hormones in overdrive, that was all I needed to get horny, and get off.

    But the thing is - it didn't translate. When I saw women and girls in real life, they didn't affect me that way. I don't recall looking at a girl in real life, and thinking lustful thoughts. Ever. It was only when I saw a woman in a "sex role" that my brain would switch over to sexual things.

    When I first started wondering if I were gay, I immediately noticed the difference. I could sneak a peek at a random guy walking by...and if I liked what I saw, that would get me into "sex mode". Without him having to do anything overtly sexual. It was just "this guy is attractive to me, and I could go for some of that". That wasn't something that ever happened with women for me. That sort of made it clear to me which way I was leaning.

    A bit of an oddity - softcore porn with only women can STILL make me horny. Again, I think that's mainly due to the association. I remember feeling horny when I saw this stuff, and a healthy dollop of nostalgia for the days when sex was new and exciting and forbidden, and away I go. :slight_smile: But it's ONLY softcore porn. Not hardcore stuff, not live strippers, not attractive women in real life doing nonsexual things. But despite this, I don't have any trouble considering myself gay. If somebody wants to split hairs and insist that this makes me bisexual to some degree, I won't argue the point, but I just know what it is that really gets me hot and bothered. :slight_smile:

    Back to you.

    Does the fact that you get aroused by pictures of this woman make you less gay? Hard to say. I'm reluctant to just say "no", simply because I try my utmost not to push the theory in advance of the facts. In short, I don't want to think "I'm already positive he's gay, so I'll just discount this latest post of his". But your other posts do strongly indicate you're either gay or very heavily into the gay side of bisexual. And perhaps the one telling bit about your post here is the indication of the singular. To wit, you said "i got sexually aroused to pictures of a member of an opposite sex"...not "I also get aroused by pictures of women". It sounds more like you found a picture (or pictures) of one particular woman, and that sort of got you going. It doesn't sound like it's a regular thing. Given that, I'm more likely to see it as an aberration. If a straight guy happened upon a picture of a guy, found it rather hot, and got aroused...I don't think he'd have to turn in his straight card. Not unless it happened a lot, and those thoughts started pushing thoughts of women out of his head. I'd just tell him "Well, now you know what it's like for me all the time"...but I'd still say he's straight. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  12. Rooni321

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    ^^This
    No one makes my knees weak like a girl does.
    But this is not to say the oposite sex isn't attractive.
     
  13. Chip

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    Keep in mind, people who are trying to figure themselves out always want a nice, neat title, like "Gay", "Bi", "Straight". But sexuality isn't always so clearly defined, and *particularly* with someone struggling with acceptance, your mind will play a million tricks on you. If you search through EC, you'll find dozens of threads from people who, just as they were starting to accept themselves, had a similar "wrench in the works" to what you're describing.

    What you may be seeing is your unconscious throwing up every last possible excuse to keep you from fully accepting yourself. So the best advice I can give is to look at your behaviors on the whole. Is there really any meaningful evidence to indicate you aren't gay? Or just an occasional flitter of something? Just as straight guys can occasionally see a guy and say "Wow, he's hot", gay guys can see girls and go "Damn, she's fine."

    I think Lex said it best; our conditioning affects how we respond, but when you allow yourself to open up, the truth is usually pretty obvious.