I've got a lot to talk about so I thought I'd throw it all into one thread. It seems that everything in my life just feels horrible right now. I've finally reached non self hating acceptance of my gayness but it seems that as soon as I passed that bridge a load of other crap has come along. My best friend who has helped me through an enormous portion of my self acceptance has been spending more and more time with he boyfriend, making me feel completely neglected that we hardly hang out anymore, and when we do hang out it always ends in a fight, because I feel abandoned, and I don't even like the guy and yet whenever I spend time with her he is there too. They're both aware that I don't like him. I've gotten to the point where I want a real relationship but have no way of doing so. My friends never want to go out and going out on my own just seems pathetic, and I won't meet anyone out and about because there's no way of knowing that I'm gay as I'm so straight acting. Finally, I've decided to come out to my parents, but am worried about telling my mother because of her boyfriend who she lives with. He doesn't seem a tolerant type, definitely racist probably homophobic, but I'm scared about how to go about this, tact wise. Any support to help me through this shit would be great.
I'm sorry that you are feeling down (*hug*) Have you considered looking for more people or new friends to hang out with since your friend sounds busy right now? Maybe join a club on campus (if you are a student), activity around your city or something along those lines. As for a relationship, its hard to find one, but its even harder when you are out there looking for one. By that I mean that its easier to concentrate on yourself and then allow people to come into your life who you might be interested in. Is there any sort of LGBT group around your area? Life can be tough, and sometimes it seems to pile on us, but always try to enjoy the things that are going well for you. As hard as that sounds. Hope you feel better
I've tried joining clubs and stuff at my university, and the lgbt societies but because I'm so cripplingly shy I just don't fit in. I met my best friend at a society at university as she was one of the few people to consider talking to me at such things. The LGBT groups near me are very fickle and won't believe anyone who isn't as camp as the day is long is gay, it's just very difficult to meet anyone new right now, it seems like lately the best friends I have are the ones who don't know I'm gay and won't accept me for it, at least they spend time with me.
Totally get you, but the good part is that this is totally doable to change if you so want. Being social is just like any other skill out there, and like any other skill it can be worked on and you can improve with time. Some people do have a sort of "gift" for it, but us that aren't quite so sociable can also get there Its not easy at all,I can tell you that from experience, but if you really want to get the most out of your life you are going to have to learn how to stop being so shy. At least enough to be able to talk to people. You are obviously a nice guy. Now we just need to let everyone else know Start by practicing online if you want. Start talking to random people on EC that you think you might want to get to know better. Yes, might be a little weird and awkward the first few times, but its all about learning from each try. There are also millions of other things that you can try, but I have already rambled on enough. If you want to talk more about it, though, feel free to PM about it
Thanks I might take you up on that PMing offer, the main issue I have is that I have no self confidence whatsoever, except in one recurring situation. Being a musician I do a lot of gigs up and down the country and after any performance is about the only time I have any confidence in myself whatsoever, and that's fine but there's no way for me to find a gay man in this situation, and the feeling is only fleeting. Outside of said situation I just feel like I am annoying everyone I try to speak to, like they find it a chore to have to talk to me, and I'm not even sure how to get past that feeling.
I am really very shy, too, and don't seem gay to people, so I can definitely relate. I joined the lesbian choir where I live (okay, I drive 40 minutes to get there), and it has been really great for me--I'm still not in a relationship, but I have made a bunch of new friends, and being gay seems a lot more like an integrated part of my life. It also made it easier to come out to people, because I can just talk naturally about the choir rather than having to bring the subject up cold. Rather than social groups, are there any activities for gay people where you live? It's so helpful to have something to do and talk about, so that you can get to know people slowly. If your shyness is so crippling that you really can't overcome it, you might want to see a psychologist about Social Anxiety Disorder. A psychologist will act as a councilor and discuss with you various strategies for dealing with your anxiety, and will refer you to someone who can prescribe medicine if that's what you decide you need--this is preferable to a psychiatrist, who will just prescribe medicine right away. Unless you know that's what you want.
Thanks for the advice, I'm going to look into some gay activities, I live in Birmingham so there should be tons, there is a fairly large gay district so there should be something. My biggest worry is also the fact that every gay person I have met has been completely camp etc, which sounds horrible but it makes me feel that even at activities I will be shunned by them because I'm not camp at all. Also, my mother is visiting me on Tuesday and I was considering coming out to her, how do you think I should go about doing it?
I doubt everyone there will shun you for not being camp. If you go to an activity then people most likely will be there to meet other people and not just a type of gay. Give everyone a chance and try to talk to them. Don't go there afraid As for your mom, you can go about it in multiple ways. You can sit her down and talk to her, bring it up casually, write her a letter, read her the letter or even text her, etc. The important thing is to do it in a way that feels comfortable and natural to you. But honestly, the how you tell her isn't half as important as the fact that you tell her. When you feel ready that is
Fair points to be honest. I'm not sure how my mum will take it, she doesn't seem *too* angered by the whole gay thing but her boyfriend definitely is. (despite having the will and grace box set, who knew)
