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Coming out to adviser/employer?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PerfectInsanity, Oct 13, 2011.

  1. PerfectInsanity

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Arizona
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So even though I feel great that I'm finally coming out to people and starting to gain my focus back on other aspects of my life, my experience during my graduate program so far has suffered from my lack of focus while I was dealing with the closet. After I graduated with my undergrad I immediately went into a field project to start off my Master's degree and let's just say there was a pretty big learning curve to begin with. Top this off by the fact that my faculty adviser was gone on sabbatical during my whole first semester of grad school. And, of course, still being in the closet got exceedingly worse for me as I continued to not have anyone to talk to or anyone else around that I knew was gay. Seeing all of my friends having long term relationships, getting married, and even one friend having a baby, I definitely started to feel the weight of being in the closet that much more. Well, here I am into my fifth semester at grad school and just now coming out. While I have been gradually getting work done on my thesis (data analysis, beginning to write the actual thesis), there is still a fair bit left for me to do. My adviser has never really been good with communication or setting deadlines, and I have also dropped the ball countless times in communicating with him or trying to meet my own deadlines.

    Yesterday I finally got the email from my adviser that I knew was coming, but had been dreading for a while. In it, he basically stated that he was disappointed with my progress and wondering if there are any personal issues that have been hampering my progress. Besides this, he even suggested that maybe I should take a leave of absence to sort my shit out. He also stated that this is the first time that he has had to send such an email to any of the grad students he's had over the years (even though he stated that he's only had ~15 students--not a very robust sample size if you ask me). So, it looks like I will be telling him about my struggles in the closet, as much as I really hoped I would never have to tell him. I understand where he's coming from and that he does NOT know what has been going on with me, but it still sucks to have such an email directed at me. I definitely feel like the most fucked up grad student in history.

    Since I am starting to get back on track and regain my focus, I figure all I can do is tell him what I've been struggling with and try to lay down plans to finish these tasks up (with realistic deadlines). I'm nervous as hell about it, but the only way things can improve is if I get this off my chest with him. He seems like a pretty liberal person, so hopefully he'll be understanding and view what I've been through as a legitimate enough of an excuse (as much as I hate using this as another god damn excuse). I've felt horrible about this for a long time, but I think all I can really do is try to discuss the future with him and not dwell too much on both of our shortcomings in the past. My meeting is scheduled for high noon tomorrow with him.

    Has anyone else on EC dealt with a similar situation?
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

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    I say go ahead and tell your adviser. Whatever you do, do NOT take him to task for anything he said to you. Just apologize for how you've done this past semester, let him know what you've been doing and what you've been going through, and let him know if you think you can get your ducks in a row in time to keep to your current schedule, or if you'll need to push things back.

    Lex
     
  3. Filip

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    Out to everyone
    No comments on when or how, but yes, I have been in a similar situation. What does seem to suck is that you inevitably get hit with it just as you're getting your act back together... (in my case, through a freak coincidence, I got the message right when I was finalising my apology message about how I was aware I wasn't in good shape).

    Good news: if it's possible to be both open and proactive in getting things on the road again, this does not have to be a bad situation at all!

    First of all: you'll have to be pretty open about your personal issues. If he sees that there was a serious problem, then he'll be more likely to see it as an adequate explanation for lagging behind.
    I do think that coming to terms with being gay during grad school, having to rethink your life and most of your personal relationships (at a point most straight people actually manage to have their act together) counts as a serious enough reason.

    You might also want to tell him that you did appreciate him writing you that e-mail as that was something to snap you out of the course you were on. And might want to tell (as neutral as possible) that in retrospect, it would have helped if he had written it sooner.

    Then, I think the most important point is being proactive. Get a plan together, with realistic deadlines and milestones (week per week, if must be). Make sure you both have a copy. And resolve to contact each other at each scheduled date for a milestone with a progress report (or that he'll contact you if he hasn't heard). That way, you have less risk of snapping back into focusing solely on your personal problems (and yes, from personal experience: that is a real risk).

    Maybe even prepare the above a bit beforehand. Arriving with a plan for improvement drawn out is already a good way to win back his faith in you.


    And, most importantly: do be sure a sabbatical isn't what you need. If you feel you do need to focus on your personal issues first, then do prioritise those. Even grad school isn't worth a depression.

    Stay positive. you seem to have the right mindset, so you'll be fine!
     
  4. PerfectInsanity

    Regular Member

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    Thanks for the advice guys! It definitely helped me.

    Well, the meeting went even better than I could have hoped for. It turns out my adviser's sister is a lesbian, so he totally understands what I have been going through. We decided on a plan for me accomplishing various tasks and we'll try to do weekly meetings. Besides the anxiety I had telling my parents, this coming out event was the one I was dreading the most. I'm so thankful that he was so understanding and it was a HUGE relief to get that off my chest. I feel like I can actually move forward now.

    Altogether, I came out to 8 people total this week. How's that for coming out week? :slight_smile: God damn do I need a beer when I get home!
     
  5. Filip

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    As a Belgian, I appreciate the beer sentiment! :beer:

    Nice to hear it went so well! I'm actually quite jealous of your coming out week. So far I had about three opportunities to come out to people this week and managed to not go forward with any of them...