I was doing pretty darn good until a couple of weeks ago. I was feeling better than I had for many many years. I'm have been having some emotional meltdowns in the last couple of weeks. I think what is going on is that I have made it through the coming out process fairly unscathed. Now I am at the "what now phase" I guess I'm lost again. I have made a commitment to stay with my wife because it is the right thing to do, right? We have been together for so many years and had a wonderful life together. I don't want to sell the house and loose a lot of what we have worked for for all these years. Yes, I still do love her, she is a wonderful person, we are best friends. There is just this part of me that wants to be with a man and love a man. It's just so hard to think about causing her so much pain by leaving. It's eating me alive! I feel like I'm being selfish by having these thoughts. I am just so attracted to guys. I don't know what to do. I'm totally scared for what the future holds.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. The path you've chosen to take is a tough one, even if it's got a lot of things going for it too. What kind of relationship have you agreed to have with your wife? You've come out to her as being gay, but you're going to stay together forever, as if you were straight? Are you both happy with that? It doesn't sound like you are... The old saying 'no pain, no gain' comes to mind here. Things aren't great now, but they'd have to get worse before they could get better. And I understand you not wanting to do that. Nobody wants to disrupt their family life like that. Nobody wants to upset the people they love. But by deciding not to make anything worse you're signing up for the status quo. Are you working with a therapist? It would be really helpful to have someone to talk to about this. I'll leave you with this.... Out of my addiction recovery I need to live my life according to the Serenity Prayer. It's not always easy to do, but it does provide me with serenity. Good luck!
