Is it wrong to make friends with someone just because she's gay?

I don't think it's wrong. It gives you something in common. Even if it is only a small part of who she is, it's still a part of both of you.

 

I think there are degrees of friendship. You don't necessarily want to be this woman's best friend - because that would require having more in common than just your orientation. But I don't see a problem in having it be a part of the reason you want to spend time with a person.

One of my best 'gay friends' really started out that way. I was just coming out and felt I needed to spend time with someone who I could talk to about being gay. We could check out other guys together. Talk about how my family had reacted, whether I'd met a boyfriend or not, how are sex lives were going. Essentially, as you say, the things that a lot of straight people talk to each other about.

And as to her comment, I'd be flattered if someone wanted to spend time with me because they knew I was gay. That to me says that they think I have my shit together, and they view me as a bit of a role model in the whole 'living a gay life' thing. I'm not sure what she's worked up about!

 

I can kind of see both sides of this issue. I think it's perfectly understandable that we would want to surround ourselves with like-minded people, simply for the fact that it's encouraging and empowering to know you're not alone, that there are others out there who share similar experiences. On the other hand, I'm quite an introverted person and it takes me a while to build friendships, and so it does make me uncomfortable when people suddenly decide we're close buddies simply because we're both queer. Overall, if we have other things in common and we get along, it's usually fine - but if sexuality is the only thing we have in common, then, not so much.

In your situation with this person, it does sound like you get along and enjoy each other's company, so I see no reason that you should actively distance yourself from the friendship. But I agree, considering her views on the matter, that you might want to keep your initial motivations for befriending her to yourself.

 

Your friend is showing her own insecurities about being gay--she feels like it's the only thing people see about her, like they don't see her as a person because all they see is a dyke. She feels this way because of the way people often treat her and react to her. (I'm inferring, from your statement that people who had more in common with you would look straight, that she is visibly gay, so that people know without being told.)

Lesbians, generally speaking, are probably not guilty of thinking that "dyke" is all there is to know about her. Neither are you. You are seeking out a gay friend because you want to connect with someone about that part of your life, and it's just as valid as connecting about any other common experience or interest. It's just that when people interact with her specifically as a lesbian, it can be a trigger for her for all of these bad feelings and insecurities that she has understandably developed.

I mean, if you replace her sexuality with anything else as the reason people are making friends with her, it becomes very obviously nonsensical. For example, I'm kind of a bookish fantasy/sci-fi geek. If someone were to try to befriend me because we have this in common, and I were to say, "My interest in speculative fiction is only a small part of who I am! I don't choose my friends based on what books they read!" that would be really crazy, even though my reading preferences are something far more trivial about me than my sexuality and all the common life experiences that come with it. So, you can see, her reaction really only makes sense if you understand that the situation is triggering an emotional response that she is having for other reasons.

She is reacting emotionally, and venting to you about it because she has no way of knowing that you will think it applies to you. I think that when you come out to her, you will find that, really, she understands completely that a woman just coming to terms with her sexuality would seek out a lesbian as a friend. It's an important part of building an accepting support system in preparation for coming out. And, while you were looking for a lesbian friend, you chose her because she "was friendly to me and very forthcoming about her life." So, really, you didn't make friends with her just because she's gay; you made friends with her because she's gay, and she seemed nice.

When you talk to her, just make sure to stress the other things about her personality that made you think that she was the RIGHT lesbian to make friends with, so that she won't feel like her lesbianism was the only thing that mattered to you, and I think it will be fine.

It's not about what you have, or don't have, in common with her, it's about her feeling like you see her and appreciate her as a whole person. As long as you show that you do, I don't think she will be offended.

Make sure to tell her how much you appreciate her friendliness and her openness, and what it has meant to you to have someone in your life who's out and comfortable with her sexuality. That will make her feel special, rather than worthless, so then everything should be good. You can also tell her directly that you are afraid she'll be offended because when you met her, you were looking for a lesbian friend--but, if she hadn't been so kind and forthcoming, so easy to be friends with, you would probably have kept looking. It's not as if her being a lesbian was enough by itself.

 

I think it depends on the person. All my friends are straight guys, so I love it when girls try to make me their gay bff. However I know a lot of gay guys get really annoyed by that stuff. I can't speak as much for lesbians, but I'm sure its pretty much the same situation.

 

Great thread! Was just asking myself the same question, so thank you for the advice.

 

Wise words, I'd be friends with her just because she seems to have a good head on her shoulders

 

Pretty much this. As humans we tend to gravitate towards people that have similar things to us. May it be nationality, gender, hobbies or sexuality.

 

There's nothing wrong with "being gay" as being the initial point of interest, or what gave you your initial common ground. I've certainly clicked with people on the basis of our common sexuality...but also on the fact that we're both fans of the same team (sports-wise), or have similar taste in music, or whatever else. It's what happens after the initial phase that determines the relationship. If your SOLE reason in hanging out with her is her sexuality - you don't like anything else about her, or want to discuss anything else with her - and if all you want from the relationship is for her to be your Shell Answer Man and/or "You Go Girl", then yeah, there's an issue there. But if your relationship is developing beyond that simple aspect, then I don't see any reason for you not to continue to develop it.

Lex

 

I don't think it's bad. It gives you initial common ground to be friends on. As long as you click with her and get along I don't see a problem with being her friend because she is gay. It's almost like a bridge between you two that you need to form a friendship.

I have friends (who are straight) that I have almost noting in common with, but we just click nicely together and are great friends. We get along and enjoy each others company. What I am saying is you don't need to have stuff in common to be someones friend. you just need to get along with each other and enjoy each others company.

 

I think it's her right to be friends with who she'd want, just as it for these gals coming to her and yourself to be friends with her because you're gay. I am friends with a lot of straight women and men because the gay men in my city are mainly b**chy queens who gossip non-stop. If there were more gay men who could handle my exuberance but my non-gossip nature, then I'd probably have more gay male friends, unfortunately for me, my city is not that nature. Don't get me wrong, some gay men who are maybe a little more...gay I don't mind, example, several boys on 1 Girl 5 Gays, but ones that talk behind your back non-stop...that more or less pisses me the fuck off, and sadly that's my city's community for you....but yeah back on topic, I think you're both in the right. She can be friends with people based on who they are not who they like, and you can be friends with her based on who she likes.