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Gay, but more attracted to women?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by J Snow, Oct 14, 2011.

  1. J Snow

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    The threads title may seem very contradictory, but I'll explain. First of all, I've been in a relationship with another man for over a year. I know I'm sexually attracted to men. Yet I have all these doubts about whether I'm really gay or not.

    So, I'm really not interested in "topping" in sex, be it with a guy or girl. "Bottoming" is just so much more intimate and exciting to me. In fact, even before I used to tell myself I was straight, I fantasized more about having sex with men, if I was watching straight porn I'd imagine myself as the girl. I'm not really interested in having sex with women, except for perhaps just to learn more about myself. (Plus I just love dick and vaginas are nasty)

    So, I only am really interested in having sex with men, or am at least more interested in it, yet I can't help but feel I don't really find guys attractive. Let's say I'm on the bus or in any public situation really. I find that when I look at a girl, I naturally look at her and interpret immediately if she is attractive or not on a subconscious level. When guys walk on, I very rarely feel an immediate reaction to a guy's appearance. I usually have to be thinking "I'm going to look and see if their are any hot guys on here." Then I'll look around and I have to actually like envision myself kissing or doing other intimate things with them and then I come to the conclusion, "Yes, they are attractive I guess."

    Yet, this whole thought process is non-existent to me with girls. Plus when I'm watching a movie or something with other gay guys, or some cute guy will walk buy, they all the time are like "Oh he's sexy!!" Its so rare that that happens to me. I feel like I have to be like oh he is, then look at him in a sexual way, and then be like, "oh yeah I guess he is..." Not that I'm like that with girls either, I just feel like I can pick up on what females are and aren't attractive more naturally...

    I just kind of feel like I know if she's cute or not. It really bugs me, because I have a boy friend, but I have all these doubts about me actually being gay. I really don't want to be bi or straight. I have ever desire to be gay. I've come to be proud of it. I don't really have any desire to be sexual with girls, I just like bonding with them, talking, being good friends.

    I don't know why I'm rambling about all this, I know I'm just gonna get what I would say responding to this post "Labels are stupid, stop stressing about it." Which I know I should, but after dating a guy for over a year this stuff still bothers me.

    tl;dr: Only sexually interested in guys, but feel more naturally attracted to girls, only want to be gay, derp.
     
  2. Katt

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    Hi JonSnow!

    Looks like you've got things pretty figured out! I would say that the way you can pick up on the attractiveness of females is just based on your genes. Attractiveness=Healthy and Healthy=healthy babies. And so the attractiveness picker-upper comes naturally for us. It doesn't have a whole lot to do with your sexuality.
    Also, the fact that you don't become IMMEDIATLY attracted to guys, might just be because you're more picky, and so it takes beauty a bit to set in. I wouldn't worry about it too much, but if it's really bothering you, try talking to your boyfriend about it. [: He could have some insight.
    Good luck dear!!
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Hmm. Since it says you are unsure of your gender identity, perhaps you want to consider these questions:

    Do you notice women sexually, or as competition? When you notice "attractive" girls, is it because you are attracted to them, or because you want to look like them?

    You say you don't want to top. Have you considered what it might be like to have sex as a lesbian? A friend of mine is a lesbian transwoman. It could be possible that you want to be with women, but you don't want to be with women as a man, or something like that. But regardless of your gender identity, how do you feel about sex with a woman where you don't have to penetrate? How would it feel if the woman was penetrating you, either manually or with a dildo? My point here is to separate your thinking about the role you want in sex, from your thinking about who you want to have sex with.
     
  4. J Snow

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    Thanks for responding so quickly guys. I just hate these mind games and can't help but feel I "force" being gay on myself because I want to be gay... idk...

    Katt, first of all, let me say I think you're cute and if I was more into girls I would go straight for you =P

    I think you've really confirmed what I think, but I can't help but feel I'm really straight and just trying to be gay. I'm not saying it makes sense, but its reinforced by everyone being so surprised I'm gay... I wish I was more feminine, I really do =/

    I have actually talked to my bf about it, and he's even told me that if I got the chance I could have sex with a girl if it would help figure myself out. I would still feel guilty though, and even though I know he says its okay now, he would be really upset...

    Ianthe, these are all questions I bring up myself. More so though, I question whether the reason I like bottoming and having sex with men is because I desire to be feminine. If I were a girl though, I wouldn't really want to be a lesbian though. I like being penetrated =P Like I said its just intimate. The one thing that I feel being a girl would really improve my sex life would be that I could have sex face to face. Well, that and vaginal sex probably feels better then anal >.<
     
  5. midwestgirl89

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    Do you have romantic feelings for women or men? I think there's a difference between physical and romantic attraction so was jw.
     
  6. J Snow

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    I think I'd be capable of feelings for either. I certainly have strong emotions for my bf after being with him for over a year. I really like the feeling of being treated like "the girl" in my relationship though. I like being held and dozing off with my head on his strong chest =3 Doing that stuff for someone else ALL the time just seems exhausting, and I think I would just be jealous of the girl.

    I know all the logic things keep leaning towards me being gay, yet still I have this voice in my head that tells me I'm lying to myself by saying I'm gay. The other night I had a dream where I was making out with a female friend, and it was the guilt of my bf that woke me up. I think the dream could have easily come from my anxiety around this stuff though.

    Just no matter how hard I try to get the thought out of my head, I feel like I'm really straight... despite enjoying being with a guy more, and having really no desire to have sex with women lol. It doesn't make any sense.
     
  7. midwestgirl89

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    It's okay sexuality is not an easy or uncomplicated matter. I know that I personally can tell you when a guy is hot faster than when a girl is hot. I understand where you're coming from because I've always been more attracted to male celebrities, etc than females even though I consider myself gay.

    Like Katt said, this might be because you are more picky with men. If you love your boyfriend, I think that's what matters now. If you ever find that you don't feel comfortable in your body or relationship, maybe you should talk to your boyfriend again about it.

    Everyone likes to be treated differently in relationships and I think it's normal that you want to be "the girl" in your relationship. As long as your boyfriend wants to be "the guy" I think it's completely cool.

    Your dream may have been from your anxiety. Do you have a crush on your female friend? I'm sure there are many straight males that have had dreams about kissing guys even though they are straight.

    And it's okay to not label yourself right now. We as a community tend to put labels on ourselves to try to fit in a box but not everyone fits. Sexuality is more fluid then we'd like to think.
     
  8. Chip

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    I've never heard a straight guy say that he wasn't interested in topping (guy or girl), that he loves bottoming, that he thinks vaginas are icky, and that he finds men sexually attractive, but not so much women.

    You're gay, dude. :slight_smile:

    Our minds play a lot of tricks on us. Maybe yours is still having a little difficulty making that final leap, closing the door on heterosexuality, and thinking about the losses that come with that. But the doors that open when you accept and love who you are, and stop questioning yourself... are well worth it :slight_smile:
     
  9. J Snow

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    Thanks guys =)

    Midwestgirl, as far as him wanting to be the guy, he's actually a lot more stereotypically gay and I wish he would be a little more manly at time, but I think we alternate roles well, and we have pretty well established him as top and me as bottom in the bedroom which I'm fine with =P

    Chip, thanks a lot. Even though I feel proud to be gay (despite feeling very uncomfortable at home and being uncertain of my future) I could not get the doubt of out my head that I was just making up being gay because I like feeling like part of a subculture or being friends with girls. It feels really good to hear some verify it though. Even though logically I know it doesn't make sense for me to be anything else really... It helps me feel better to have someone else say it.
     
  10. zmt

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    You have perfectly described my situation. I am so confused because I am only attracted to women until it comes to sex, and then I can only picture being a bottom. It is a shitty situation and I wish I was just attracted to men and wanted sex with men or attracted to women and wanted sex with women. It is very difficult emotionally to have this split between mental and physical desires and I am sorry you also have to go through it because it is torture.
     
  11. J Snow

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    First of all, let me say welcome to the site. =) I do think there has been a number of helpful posts in this thread for both of us. My big issue is I kind of want to be able to make friends with girls and express to them I'm gay, but I feel guilty expressing being gay but feeling somewhat attracted.

    At any rate, I really do feel a bit better about it after reading some of these reassuring comments =)
     
  12. zmt

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    The only two people I have come out two have been girls I have been intimate with. After not being able to perform sexually in either case, I felt I had to let them know why. I also have the dilemma of liking even loving women and wanting to be intimate with them. I have never seen a man and been initially attracted to him like I feel with many girls. Yet, it frustrates me so much to know that I can never be with them in the way I want to because my body only responds in a sexual way to men. as I said before I would rather just be entirely gay or entirely straight, because it is very difficult to have to deal with liking and being attracted to women but not being able to ever truly be with them.
     
  13. needshelp

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    i can relate to what you're saying somewhat. you know just because you find a few women attractive doesn't change a thing. that's how it is, i guess. i don't think it makes you any less gay because of that though.
     
  14. J Snow

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    Well, I would guess I could probably get by having sex with a girl. I don't think I would hate it. I just assume it would work the same way trying to top with my bf goes. I can do it, it feels okay, but it just doesn't feel as... right or intimate to me.

    Also one of the earlier people I told was a girl I used to have a crush on and went to some high school dances with.
     
  15. zmt

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    I know it doesn't make me less gay it just makes the process of being gay more difficult. If I were just attracted to men at least I could enjoy the sensation of having a crush on a guy or succeeding in getting a guy i like. But since I am physically attracted to only females, I have to live with the almost painful feeling of falling for women that I know I can never physically be with yet being unable to help myself go for them.
     
  16. Filip

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    I don't think I can give any definitive advice, but it can't hurt giving my own perspective...

    I always have the odd feeling that, when I don't think of it too much, I'm pretty secure in my gayness. Yet, when I really try to focus on the how or why, things get confusing again :lol:

    I don't think noticing girls and being gay need to be in any way exclusive. Being gay doesn't mean being blind. I don't need to think or look hard to notice which girls are attractive and why. And in girls I can even describe why they're attractive faster than I could do so for guys (it also doesn't help that in guys my tastes are rather diverse).

    I'm terribly slow in actually finding people attractive, though. Put me in a public area and ask me to tell you which people are attractive, and I'll be able to focus on people and point you out some guys and girls. Ask me who I'm actually attracted to and... nothing. Only way for me to actually get attracted to people is by getting to know them well forst. To the best of my knowledge, the times I was really attracted (romantically and physically) to someone are to be counted on the fingers of one hand. All of those were guys.
    On the other hand, I've had several girls that make me go "I wish I could be straight for her". There's no shortage of girls I get along with well and who aren't bad-looking. part of the temptation there is also that I know i'd not be a bad partner. Sex would be a problem, but otherwise (and this will make me sound massively conceited...) I know I could be more romantic and friendly and thoughtful than a lot of people I know.

    With guys, I'd have a lot more actual feelings, but that's also scary, as it makes me think it can only complicate things.

    So yeah, it's never entirely easy. I do have the occasional spat where I wonder if I could not just be really good at being a straigh guy, even if guys are a better fit, once I get really attracted to one.
    Still: the fact that guys do it for me mentally and physically and romantically is still a pretty good sign I'm gay, and I think I'm not going to settle for girls anytime soon :wink:
     
  17. Friendly ghost

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    I can really relate to you. I enjoy being gay, it feels far more natural. I also love. Being the bottom and acting as 'the girl'. But I too tend to look at women far more then men, unless I'm thinking about looking at guys. I was with a girl for almost 5 years, and we were both very androgynous. I didn't always have to be the one holding, that would be tiresome. Sex was ok, but we had expiremented with different things, including anal on me and a strapon. It's strange I know and not something I openly tell everyone. But I greatly enjoyed that. More then sex, which she wasnt a fan of that fact but was ok with it. I often wonder if that's what I actually want, rather then a man. I haven't found a guy that I truly connected with yet, so that might change. When we had sex, with me on bottom, that's what I focused on, and I loved her body against mine. It was different the. With guys, we spent the whole time trying to please the other. I don't know, I'm rambling. But it's made me wonder if I'd rather be a girl.

    In the end I think it just comes down to the fact that I like having dick in me, and straight people don't like that :slight_smile:. I don't think I helped at all, but I was surprised at how much I can relate to everything you said. I actually found this thread in google. Let me know if you'd like to talk sometime.
     
  18. inbetween

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    I am exactly like this. Sex with men is fanastic and I always fanatize about
    being the girl yet I find myself attracted to women and don't really find men
    attractive at all. It is very confusing.
     
  19. J Snow

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    Holy poop, this thread is a blast from the past. Thanks for bumping it. Its so interesting to see how many things I said in this thread are evidence of me being trans while I was still totally denying it. I know now that being a gay male never felt right because I wasn't a gay male. I feel so much happier identifying as a queer transwoman because it feels right.

    This thread made me smile =)
     
  20. Kgirl

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    I feel exactly the same but the opposite way round, lol.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2013 at 01:17 PM ----------

    Oh, just saw the post above but I'm not trans. But congrats on your progress etc.