New to the forum. I really appreciate having this space to put out my thoughts and read about others who have already gone through the process. Just some background, I am a Male in my late 20's who has been living life as straight, have been in numerous long term committed relationships with women, and have been sexually active with only women since my late teens. I have never thought about being intimate, dating, etc. with men but deep down think that I have been fighting/denying an underlying urge at the great expense of energy/frustration and not really getting to know my true self. The latest questioning came while starting to sleep with a girl from another city. I was unable to get it up one weekend and the next time I saw her, this festered in my head to the point that I was no longer able to get it up. Now I know this sounds like performance anxiety, however this has happened twice before with girls I've dated from out of town. This lead to a down word spiral into depression and self analyzing that has once again (as did the prior two incidents) lead me to question my sexuality. I grew up with my single mother, and my two sisters who were a great deal older than me. To put it lightly, not the most masculine influences. I therefore have always been somewhat insecure, feeling less of a man than my peers. I own a house, have a great job, yet still feel I've been a fraud. To the point: -How many of you have spent so much time, energy, and self denial that you have missed out on knowing who you really are and getting full enjoyment out of life? -Once you come to acceptance, how much more mental clarity does it provide? -I have always thought I was ADD but deep down think my inability to concentrate in classes, studying, and general small talk has been due to me being uncomfortable and always fighting my true self subconsciously. I know this was a bit scattered of a post. I am a physician and write fragmented ass notes for a living. That's our archaic way of communicating between each other. If you can't tell I'm still battling myself. Probably a life long collection of strong defense mechanisms I have to break down. Look forward to hearing from you all and initiating further discussion as I have never talked about this with anyone. For all I know I could be completely straight and it's an underlying social anxiety that has made me uncomfortable throughout life, however I have to explore what's going on. Peace and chicken grease
Welcome to EC! I can't answer any of your direct questions, because I can't say as I spent much time denying my sexuality. Once I started having thoughts of "maybe I'm gay", I just decided to try it out (internally) for awhile. As it seemed to fit very well, not just immediately but several months down the road, I simply came to the conclusion that that's what I was, and I proceeded to start coming out. But let me throw out some thoughts I had upon reading your post. Nothing in your post really suggests "gay" to me. Sure, you've had performance issues with women, and may have grown up in a predominately female house, and those may be suggestive. But what's missing is anything that hits the dictionary definition of "gay" - interest in the same sex. You don't appear to be daydream about guys, or fantasizing about being with another man, or only getting horny when thinking about such things. In fact, you state specifically you've "never even thought about it". So I'd say that'd be the first step. Start. Try it on for size. When you masturbate, fantasize about guys. Look at gay porn, if you'd like. Mentally build a guy who you think would interest you, and then imagine doing to him (or him doing to you) anything you feel like trying out. Feel free to (surreptitiously) check out guys when you're out and about. See how the whole thing fits. Maybe it'll fit like a hand in glove, in which case, run with it. Or maybe it'll be somewhat interesting, or not interesting at all. In any event, you'll have some more data. My overreaching advice would be this. The labels "gay" and "straight" exist for a reason - many people do fit comfortably within these boxes. But not everybody does. The sexuality continuum comes not only with many shades of grey, but also goes off in two or even three dimensions. If one of those labels happens to fit, great - wear it with pride. If neither does, that doesn't necessarily mean something's amiss. It just means you're in that (large) group where neither does. Where you need more than one syllable to explain what floats your boat. Maybe it'd be easier if you had that single syllable, but the point is to make the label fit the person, not the other way around. Lex
Hi, Just a quick note to say I feel in a similar position to you. Where I dont feel at the moment I can even trust my own thoughts and feelings. I also feel that in social occasions Im only half there and not giving my all as there is something at the back of my mind which tells me im not being open and honest with myself and others around me. Recently I have managed to talk to 2 friends about how im feeling. The second friend i spoke to, I actually just copied and pasted my first post from here into an email. And told her that this was what was on my mind. I just couldnt think of how to tell her otherwise. If you have any friends who you feel certain would be very accepting and supportive - I would recommend doing this, as you have already put the effort in here to describing how you feel. I think the thing I was most frightened of in telling people, was that they would force me to admit something to myself that I wasnt (and arent) ready for. But, in reality, they havent done this - and just encourage me to think about being open to possibilities rather than putting a label on myself. Im now hoping to speak to more people (where i actually live) in order to stop feeling like such a fraud, even though I havent got anywhere near to making my mind up and also dont feel ready to explore same sex relationships. But, im sure I just need people to know and understand why im so mixed up at the moment. Well, easier said than done....I still havent managed to bring up the subject. This post ended up being longer than intended, but rest assured, I understand how it feels to be genuinely confused about your own feelings. Hope you manage to open up to at least someone - or get some relief talking to people here. All the best.
I spent most of life in self denial, and once I came out I never wanted to go back in (the closet that is) I'm much or self confident and love my gayness.
Hey man - similar boat here. Late 20s, only relationships with women, including my current ongoing relationship. I don't daydream or fantasize about men. Oddly, most of my actual dreams involve women. I used all of this to keep myself from actually confronting thoughts that I'd been having throughout my life. I've always had a sense that I was "different." As I got older, I started to realize that the difference might be my sexual orientation. In the years since, there have been feelings of attraction towards men, but I always just tucked it away. I became an expert at controlling it - I'm still in awe of how powerful the mind can be. Like you, I've used tremendous effort to control my thoughts and feelings. I'm not fully present with others. I sort of liken it to American Psycho, if you've seen it - I'm living this life, shaking people's hands, telling stories, making friends - but so much of that person everyone is meeting does not really exist. As I approach 30 years of age, I am convinced I am not getting my full enjoyment or fulfillment out of life. The only reason I posted on here is because I had this awful feeling that life was passing me by, doors were starting to close, I was being hurtful to others. The cycle of unproductive thoughts, the self editing behavior, the inability to fully share what's on your mind - it is all just getting to be too much for me. You only get one shot at life, and I'm hoping my posts on here are the first steps towards me making the most of it. Can always message me if you want to talk more.
-I sort of liken it to American Psycho, if you've seen it - I'm living this life, shaking people's hands, telling stories, making friends - but so much of that person everyone is meeting does not really exist. Ah. The art of making friends on the surface. I remember walking around in college or even now when out at bars in my hometown, people are amazed by how many people know me. I've been called "Mayor", however this only comes about with my socially drunk self. The one that met all these people with little real interpersonal connection to any of them. I've also picked up most my women while drunk. I'll commit myself to a relationship, get bored after about a year, go sleep with a bunch of chicks while I'm still secure from the self esteem I built up from the prior relationship, then quickly lose that self confidence. When I don't have a woman on my side, I feel others are looking at me and questioning my sexuality (likely me projecting my internal battle). I do find men attractive but still can't think of myself hooking up or dating one at this point. One major area of my questioning comes from, due I need alcohol to pick up a woman because of anxiety or because I truly don't have a strong attraction to them. Gay tendencies I do have are while I do watch straight porn only, my favorite parts are the blow job or titty f*ck. Both of which are heavily penile. *When writing gay/straight, I do understand there is a wide spectrum and there is plasticity involved. I've just always seen things as "black or white" which does not help much -once again, thanks for the availability of this site and a place for me to put down my thoughts until I do decide to discuss it with someone close to me.
Too many people spend time forcing themselves to fit into society and in the process make them unhappy. Like anorexic celebrities trying to fit into hollywood. Tear down that plastic and start living your life.
I do think it's posible, and it merits some self-exploration. If you discover you're gay, that might explain a lo, but even if you end up realising you're straight after all, the things you might find out along the way might improve your relationship with women too! Personally, I did actually waste a lot of time totally convinced I was straight, splitting my mind between the occasional gay thought, and the other 95% of my time, when I rather fled in total denial and total repression of the fact that I had "gay toughts" at all. In fact, if you would have asked me whether I could be gay at that time, I think I could have completely convincingly have given you a "no" that could fool the best lie detectors. Then again, once I did start seriously questioning halfway my 20s, I was forced to concede that there were a lot of suppressed attractions to guys, and a lot of moments where I had actively searched out gay erotica, even if I was always convinced it was the "really final time" I would do so. And actually after coming out, I did have much bigger clarity of mind (not trying to split up your thoughts and denying a large part of them helps in that), and a lot better relationships with people. Once again, not compulsively having to hide a part of your life helps with that. The above is not necessarily universal, though. there are guys the seriously never really noticed before they really considered the possibility. So I think Lex's idea is really the best option here. If there's no pressing need to be straight at all times: roll with the idea for a bit. Try to see if you can search around a bit and find a gay porn that excites you, or a fantasy scenario involving another guy that turns you on (doesn't even need to be a sexual fantasy!). the feelings those give you (or don't give you), might provide some good input. and no one needs to know you're just entertaining the thought of being gay for a bit.
-This site has been incredibly helpful to me. I posted something similar to your initial post about a month ago. Seeing the feedback you received from that post actually lead me to join this forum and post myself. A couple weeks ago I would have been trolling depression forums. I've at least moved forward to evaluate the root of my current depressive episode. I find this site to be very informative and productive. Stagnation sucks and it's time to make some moves.
@stilllovelyafte How has your experience with the therapist been? I went to one for depression once but didn't really get much out of it. I didn't really put forth much effort to bring up the sexuality issues. I'd message you but being a "newbie" I am lacking that privilege.
Honestly, therapy has been awesome - weird thing to say, but true nonetheless. I went to therapy a few times in the past - avoided talking about sexuality. Therapy ended up being pretty useless because I was unwilling to discuss what was really on my mind. A few years back, I felt like I was at the breaking point - had trouble sleeping, eating, concentrating. I needed to tell someone - a "civilian" didn't seem like an option at that point, and I decided to tell a therapist. While my overt progress has been slow, it really makes life a whole lot better that there is someone I can talk to about this stuff. Not to mention, as I move forward, it'll help to have someone with an understanding of who I am, how this whole process unfolded. There are few things I would recommend more highly to you at this stage than finding a therapist locally to talk with about this stuff. Also, for what it's worth, make an appointment with more than one at first. It's all about fit, so you want to make sure you find one you can really open up to.
