Not good-looking enough?

I think the same sort of thing all the time. I feel so uncomfortable in how I look that it affects how comfortable I feel about myself and about how I feel about coming out.

My best friend knows that I'm gay so I've been out a few times with him to clubs, and I always feel so out of place. All the guys and skinny or muscly and I feel so out of place. I feel that no one will look at me, especially when they look at me and then look at my friend (who is skinny and super confident.)

Unfortunately I can't provide any help on how to get past it, I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

 

Feeling that you're not good looking enough is quite common I guess. I'm not gay, but the feeling I wasn't pretty enough to feel comfortable and confident in my sexuality, or even in my everyday life is something that used to get in the way.
I've been struggling with my weight pretty much all my life, and I can't tell you how many time I thought : "Oh God ! If only I could loose 20 pounds I would :
- dare to ask this guy out
- dare to wear this pretty dress at my friend's party
- dare to go to my friend's party instead of staying locked at home
- dare to do put my hand up and answer the teacher's question, as I know the answer..."
The list is pretty much endless.
The thing is, I have been pretty much every size from thin to big, and it didn't changed much the way I felt. I was feeling just not good enough for anything. No matter how thin I was, successful I was in my studies, no matter how many friends I had or how many times my boyfriend was telling me I was pretty, I always felt I wasn't good enough. Until I realized I was the person who was always bringing me down because I had a self-confidence problem. I was always requesting validation from other people but even when I got it, I was unable to fully trust them.
Self-confidence isn't something that you can get from other people, or from loosing 10 pounds or from getting good grades. Those things can help, but if you're bound to think you're not good enough, that how you're going to feel.
It took me a lot of work, partly done with my therapist, to stop thinking I wasn't worth of love and pride. To be honest, I still have confidence issues and I know my self-confidence is not that strong, but I keep working on it.
I think it would be worth for you to find a counselor to talk to and try to find out why you're lacking self confidence that much. Because you have lost 15 pounds, which is a great achievement, and the only thing that you're seeing are the last 5 pounds you haven't lost yet. 5 pounds should definitely not prevent you from coming out or getting a girlfriend, and 5 pounds are definitely not something that would matter in the fact your friends and family will be or not ok with you being gay.
As Lex would say, not only beautiful and thin people do get laid, and not only beautiful and thin people do get love : otherwise humanity would have disappeared ages ago !
You certainly are worth of being loved and cared about just the way you are, and I think it is important for you to find out why you're not feeling this way. Because I think you are preventing yourself from being loved and happy.

Take care, (*hug*) Cécile

 

I feel exactly the same way. My parents are constantly bugging me to lose weight, telling me that I have a pretty face that should make me irresistible to guys if I were thin.

I haven't yet gotten past these thoughts because I have rather low self-esteem--I just don't believe that anyone would ever like me if they knew me well enough. Many of my friends in this city are overweight as well, and they likewise have many overweight gay friends, so I'm in good company. My parents' nagging is always in the back of my mind, though.

Remember that you don't have to lose weight for anyone but yourself, and that there are women out there who couldn't care less what you look like, as long as you have a strong character. You should be proud that you worked so hard to lose weight. As anyone who has attempted to do so can attest, it's definitely not an easy task. Any woman worthy of you would admire that kind of drive and tenacity.

 

Although I'm not entirely gay, I totally feel this way. I know that I'm quite fat, attitude's not that good, has some air of weirdness but I'm skillful on some subjects like the computer, languages, books, I'm tall and still mostly am a nice person. I may not be everyone's Adonis or Mr.Perfect but I know to myself that I'm the best for some people and I can get past the others through my own acquired qualities and capabilities. They maybe good at singing but I'm better in declaiming. It's not that we should be bragging about what we have that others don't; it simply is showing what you really have on you.

God made us different from each other so nobody's practically perfect. But we still can be the best of ourselves if we look at it that way.

 

I feel the same way as you, minus the woman part.

 

If I wasn't short, scrawny, and a face full of acne and acne scares, I'd be wonderful as far as self-esteem goes.

 

My self-esteem is shit.

When you're in your early twenties and nobody ever viewed you as a sexual being, that tends to happen.

 

I do feel that I'd be a lot more confident in myself if I had the looks to back it up. Girls generally don't consider me attractive and that does get lonely.

 

Took the words out of my mouth. And it's even worse when people have repeatedly made fun of your looks from elementary school to high school. =/

 

If I could I would wear masks and excessive Halloween face paint all year long but that's just not possible

 

Oh definitely. Not with being gay specifically, but with being a sexual being at all. I wish I enjoyed workouts and gyms so that I could go to them, have a good time, and look good. But I feel like I have to choose between eating food and doing things I like and being ugly, and doing and eating things I hate and maybe looking slightly decent but still having the same crippling distorted body image anyway*, so I don't bother.

*I thought I was fat at 130 pounds, which makes it hard for me to justify losing weight when I'll still think I'm fat anyway.

 

I understand completely what you're talking about.

After having low self-esteem for many years (even after people repeatedly told me how beautiful they thought I was), I tried to take a different approach.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

If you were prettier. I can guarantee you that you are a gorgeous human being. How do I know that? Because you obviously are caring and thoughtful, and intelligent. There is no way to make yourself "prettier." You can try to accept that you look the way you do and that to someone out there, you are perfect. You might try a hair cut or new hair color or wardrobe change to try to make yourself feel better, but you cannot change the overall way you look. I accepted that it's not just looks that make someone beautiful, but their personality as well. When I am attracted to someone, they may not be the best looking person out there, but with every thing they do that is cute or charming, they become cuter and cuter in my eyes

Congratulations on losing 15 lbs! That is a HUGE accomplishment! Instead of looking at it like you failed because you didn't meet your 20 lb mark, how about looking at it like you have succeeded because you have made it this far! There is no time limit to losing weight. You can still meet that 20 lbs and maybe even more! The thing is just to try and eat healthy and stay healthy and that will make a huge difference as well! (Oh, and Zumba is pretty fun as well )

Even if you don't believe in God or aren't religious, those words up there can make a huge difference if you believe in them.

My point? You are beautiful just the way you are. There is someone out there who loves you EXACTLY the way you are. Actually, there are many people who do. When you can love yourself for all that you are (or aren't), then you can see all the people who love you for who you are as well.

 

You've really got to let go of those insecurities! Confidence is the most attractive part of a person and once you have it it will change the world for you.
Believe me, I've had evey insecurity in the book. I even developed an eating disorder but I got over that because (get ready for a story ) I went to a summer program where I spent two weeks amongst gorgeous people, like seriously model looking people, and I realized that there was nothing I could do about how I looked. But I could chose to be put down just because someone is better looking than me, or I could look past that and love me for who I am and be confident in myself.We can't help how we look and it really changed me. I thought 'why would I want people to like me for something I'm not? I want people to accept me the way I am now and if I change my appearance they will still love me'. No matter how beautiful or ugly a person is, all it comes down to is how lovely a person is on the inside. Nobody wants to have to comfort somebody everytime they don't feel comfortable with themselves, its nice to be around a confident person. But I'm getting aside from the point a little bit. Don't get so down on yourself, you are beautiful. You're all you've got in the world, take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and don't let your life be ran by other peoples validations. It will lead you and your life in a downward spiral. Trust me.
Good luck!
With Love,
Lena.

 

I have that problem too and that is an reason why no one I was keen on really has in my life wanted to go out with me at all.

 

As Eleanor said, the thing to really focus on is your self-esteem. If you have someone to work with on that or people around you to talk with, then it's definitely something that would be helpful.

I struggled a bit with how I looked, I'm pretty sure most people do, so it's probably an issue you can find lots of people to talk to about. I still have all the features that I didn't like about myself back then, but I also still have all of the things that I wouldn't let myself see before. And yes, being comfortable in myself helped me tremendously in being comfortable in my sexuality, just as much as being comfortable in my sexuality helped me grow more comfortable in who I am.
For me, at least, growing more comfortable with myself involved looking for less reassurance that I was okay, and an embracing of the things that I liked to do and wanted to do without worrying about how that would affect the way that strangers viewed me. When you spend your time constantly comparing yourself to others, you're going to spend too much time dwelling on the things you don't like about yourself.

 

I used to think that being skinnier and prettier would make my life better. I lost ten pounds and nothing changed, so I lost ten more. Eventually, I weighed 90 lbs and I still didn’t feel more loveable or acceptable to other people. So, in short, losing weight is not the answer. No matter how skinny you get, you won’t feel more confident or attractive until you love and accept yourself. That sounds like a cliché, but I don’t know another way to say it.

Honestly, I haven’t been able to get past the “thinner and prettier is better” mentality entirely. I’ve been in therapy for a long time and that has helped to make me aware of the underlying issues that caused this belief in the first place, but it’s still a struggle for me. I think it’s a life long struggle for a lot of people, especially women because we are often rewarded for a slender, pretty appearance. It’s been particularly hard for me because I feel like being stylish and thin distracts people from the parts of me that are “not normal.” It’s a defense. I’m afraid, if I’m not careful, that my friends and family will despise or laugh at me for looking “gay.” I think silencing inner criticism is the key. You have to tell yourself that you are good and worthwhile, and believe it. Other people are drawn to people who are comfortable with themselves. My hope is, one day, people will see and respond positively to my happiness, not how thin or gay I appear.

 

This belief can be translated outwards to pretty much anything. "I'd feel better about being gay (or, more generically, about myself) if only I were more attractive."
Or thinner.
Or more muscular.
Or had bigger breasts or a larger cock.
Or were smarter.
Or more outgoing.
Or had a better sense of humor.
Or were more worldly.
Or or or.

But I have met plenty of people who are attractive...and still insecure. In fact, I've met insecure smart people, insecure women with large breasts, insecure guys with large cocks, insecure worldly people, and so on. We've all got problem areas. And while perhaps it's good to try to be better-read or healthier, such things won't be impediments to you getting a boy/girlfriend or getting laid if you don't want them to be.

Don't get hung up on porn or movies or advertisements. Love and sex (separate or together) are not just for the beautiful, brilliant and cocksure. It's available to all of us.

>>>Not with being gay specifically, but with being a sexual being at all.

Let me just share a quote from a guy I had sex with. "I was totally self-conscious about all my imperfections - how fat I was, how hairy I was, how small my dick was, that mole on my leg...until about ten seconds after we started kissing." Which means I did it right. :eusa_danc It's not that I'm blind to what some might call "imperfections". But I didn't have to have a "thing" for fat guys or hairy guys or small dicks or moles in order to find him attractive. I had gotten to know him, I found him appealing, and I was interested and eager to have sex with him. Once you get into the bedroom, all those insecurities and hang-ups should fall to the floor along with the clothes. It's just two (or more) totally fallible humans about to get hot and sweaty and sticky. And that kicks ass.

Lex

 

sure I have, but in years on this planet I've learned that looks only play a small part. How many times have you found someone "hot" only to have them open their out and undo all that nature gave them.

Attitude, intellect and personality go much further