Hi everyone, this is my first post. I was in a bad mood earlier yesterday and ended up searching gay depression again which turned up this forum. After reading some posts I was hoping to message that gay gargoyle with something like this post but ended up being too much of a softie and couldn't turn you all down. See, another stay at home and plan shit activity is the last thing I need but aww what the hell why not. I'll keep my story pretty short and keep it to cliffs because I hate ruminating. -Finally starting accepting myself at 17 at the exact same time my home life was becoming a personal hell due to various circumstances. Also started getting bullied for the first time because I switched schools and didn't really belong in a trade school so my self-esteem. -Ended up crawling into a 6 year or so long depression. Put up many personal barriers so straight guys wouldn't think I'm hitting on them, girls wouldn't think I was too afraid to hit on them, and gays wouldn't notice me and see me for the screw up I thought I was. Not such a good idea but kind of funny in a dark way to look back on. -Transferred colleges a few times until I finally just drove out west without that much money and no real plans except for "hope it works" -Did end up getting things together in a small way with an apartment, job, and college but sunk into a very deep black depression. Self hatred, nasty eating disorder, social isolation, suicidal thoughts constantly, until I finally gave up and decided I would end it pretty soon and started living that way. -Ended up trying to make myself happy at first but moving into a dorm but it was more of the same. Lots of high risk behaviors that led to interesting travel experiences, but was mostly fueled by the mood where I didn't care if I made it out or not. -Tried joining social gay groups but the main one I went to wasn't helpful. They were nice and all but they often gave off a weird vibe and kind of somehow made it into a large asocial gathering of people with sporadic angry gay rights meetings. Some nights were great but a lot of the time it was just depressing. Ended up with a few bizarre stalkers. -Started seeing a therapist but we kind of understood that I wasn't really depressed but was depressed. Does that make sense? Like all I need to do is follow my heart and there is no serious actual problem, but I just have a hard to following through with things. I usually ended up informing her about psychedelic drugs and telling her how the effected me and the chemistry of it all. -During one of my travels I visited a new town that seemed just too awesome, and so full of people that shared my interests that I had to transfer!! Seemed smart at the time but it was a huge roadblock because.. -After that trip I started making closer friends in my dorm and meeting interesting people. I was becoming happy!! -Went traveling over break and started to become a depressed suicidal loose cannon again (because of insecurity, not sure where to go, who to talk to, if I looked like the unibomber since I was covered in ash and dead leaves.. etc) but ended up meeting more cool people & relaxing again. -Visited home and was shocked how much I really loved & missed my family and vice versa. Everything went very well and I became energetic, stable, happy, and ready to come out whenever they asked. -Drove out to my new college & found that due to some simple problems with paperwork and very minor bullshit that I couldn't really get in that semester unless I padded it out with some somewhat useless classes. Mom was very angry and refused to co-sign loans and I ended up homeless and destroyed. -Did more aimless traveling but became more and more unhappy with the way things were going and started killing my own personality again. Was getting sick from being out in the cold, drinking bad water at a very poorly run commune (they aren't all like that), and dumpster diving food. -Eventually became so broke, sick, then finally got busted so I went back home. -Kept trying to reestablish things with that college but it didn't really work out and my mom still refused to let me get the loan -Was and still am in sort of a rut. Only came out to a few friends who are accepting but have yet to really socialize further and try to meet a lot more people like I want to. -Ended up finding my passion and am going for it with all my might but it's difficult now being fairly poor and now with a full time job that I hate. -Live in an area that not only comes off as fairly homophobic, but the nearest gay centers & all that are 50 miles away and are rated as seedy dangerous and just not taken care of like they should be. See how long that was even with cliffs? Anyway I'm done holding myself back don't want to keep making excuses to wait. But at the same time I don't really know where to go and wonder if I should move. I hung out with one of my closest friends last night and we agreed to help each other out (have fun, help him meet more girls while he helps tag along if I go to a gay bar or event). Though we really couldn't figure out where to go or hang out in the future. On my end there is an artsy college somewhat nearby but don't really know how to dive into it and no it doesn't offer a real PFLAG type club (jumping directly into the gay thing is probably not the best idea anyway). And I would feel a little out of place since I'm not a student there nor do I plan to be, but wanting to help with their community fund raisers is a start. Not sure how much another therapist would help because I know I just need to live my life already but can't really figure out what to do exactly. Anxiety and depression are still somewhat of a problem but I know those will disappear when I live according to my goals. Thank you in advance for any pointers, comments, "i know the feel", etc.. and thank you for keeping up a nice supportive community!
You have to change and be open to changing your life in order for you to see through the tunnel. Sometimes you have to try to change your mindset, or do things for your body such as exercising, enjoying soothing music, engaging in hobbies and making positive friends who won't judge you. (*hug*) Try talking to a school counselor. They are there to help and tell them you're not sure how to get to where you want to be in life. They may give you some ideas you didn't think of. You have to be open to what they're trying to tell you though and want help.
I just wanted to say that I think its really difficult to give up the cycle of self destructive behaviour - hurting yourself in one way or another can give you a 'reason' to feel low and help you to ignore the real issues and problems that you have. (speaking for myself) BUT, its so important to stop doing it, and im only realising now that i have to take responsibility for this myself - no one is going to come to my rescue. So, well done, I guess realising that you need to stop this behaviour is the first step and you seem quite positive in the actions you are taking now. So.....no advice, just a well done, as i think you are on the right track (and slightly ahead of me in many respects!)
Thank you! I see you recognize it too, the giving yourself issues so you can hide away and "heal" yourself so you don't have to go out and do what really scares you the most. Maybe you're further than you think! I'm sort of fencing on seeking out CBT now because of two heavy depressive episodes over the weekend but then again it could be another way to put things off and not try to directly live like I want to without the feeling that I'll just die soon either way (hard to explain). My heart will give out if I keep shutting off and spending my time doing things I don't care for, but if I quit then I'll freeze/starve to death. Like I can only do one thing at a time or have to choose one or the other. I layed down to bed last night and thought for hours whether I should continue with my lame-o job or quit and become a webcam whore for pay (which supposedly pays a bunch). That way I could more calmly focus on improving other aspects of my life rather than spend large chunks of time somewhere that pays me just enough to not become homeless again. It's so easily justifiable but then again it seems so odd to think that way and I can't really tell where my heart is.
Maybe having a few sessions will help you to make some solid goals - and you could also talk about the work thing with them. I think the feeling that you'll die soon is kind of wishful thinking..... I don't mean in a suicidal way.....just that something will happen which will mean you don't have to actually deal with your problems. And thats probably also part of the self destructive behaviour thing. Realistically, you are going to be alive a lot longer (dont know your age exactly, but imagine you're not yet collecting your pension) and eventually you will have to deal with things and hopefully find the courage to take actions which will improve your life and create a situation where you are happier. Becoming a 'web cam whore' - is that something you think you'd be comfortable with? If not, then it seems to me like another destructive act....but if it's something you are comfortable with, then I guess there's no problem with it. But - why are you needing to think so hard about it- there must be something that puts you off... Is your current job really so unbearable? Any way that you could simultaneously work towards something else, less unbearable? Or, make sure that you do enough things you enjoy outside of work to make up for it?? Obviously, i dont know enough about your life to know if these options are feasible - I just think that when you are feeling so fragile, you need to be careful not to put yourself in new situations where you might feel uncomfortable. - Sorry if this post is quite fragmented, a bit of a stream of consciousness. Hope you're feeling a bit better anyway
I think from reading your post that you know where your heart is. I can relate to a lot of this, the feelings of loss, unattachment, drugs. I think you are starting to realise in your heart that all those things are as false as the buzz you get from them. You aren't living your life without stability and if your buzzed, on the road all the time. You are learning, sure.. but also learning in an unsafe environment. Someone wiser than me once said that the less you know, the better.. and as I get older I realise this to be true. Your better off following your heart. Its not about tomorrow, or yesterday its about what happens today that is important. Self-destruction may provide you with temporary relief, but it is no worthwhile investment in yourself.
Thank you for your posts. I mean that! To explain a little more to openlydenying: I am trying to work towards a career that I actually am passionate about but the current job takes up too much time and doesn't pay much, nor does it give worthwhile experience. camming and other shadier career choices might be okay, but I feel like I'll make it too much a part of my life and end up not helping very much in the long run. Just need something to help pursue my goals because they are far off right now. Was trying to stay a little closer to trade for awhile but never made enough money to support myself. I thought about it a lot and have been for awhile. I'm starting to wonder if going back to college to finish off the last 1-2 years would be the best choice. That way I could learn a lot more about establishing the business I want (rather than just hoping my internship would teach me enough which it wasn't when I was doing it. It's on hold now) and maybe have a decent job while I get the connections needed. It really is something to be established over several years, not just the 6 months I need to finish my internship you know what I mean? Still need to think about it though before I rush off like that. But then again I live in the ghetto, have a crap job, and keep thinking of either camming/prostituting/other less legal means to make money. One choice seems a little more positive.
Sounds like you know yourself which option seems better. Even if it takes quite a few years to get where you wanna be, i think its still worth it in the long. And, while you're getting there, you'll feel as though you're making progress in the right direction. I might be wrong - but the idea of camming/prostituting etc seem to be a knee jerk reaction, a way of making money short term, and dare i say it, self destructive. anyway - think you know already which choices are the healthier ones for you - you just have to act on this!
I know there isn't much else you can all say to help but just wanted to get more off my chest. Talked to parents about going back and they were PISSED! They were very negative and acting like I was asking them for money or was in general just doing something stupid when all I asked for was a consignor on the loan. Yeah I know there aren't many jobs right now and the economy is tough but I'm not going to get anywhere where I'm at. I'll still fill out everything and hope something happens. At least try to get a mass of scholarships & hopefully better aid since I'm 24. & hopefully get away from my parents. Because even though I love them so much they always kick me down & push me away.
it's good that you see your hurting yourself and that you want to change, now the hard part to commit to it. Sometimes we get so used to the pain being there we feel odd when it's gone, and we even sabotage ourselves to make ourselves feel "normal" again. Stay strong
My EC time has been somewhat hamstrung as of late (more on that later), so I'm finally getting around to reading and responding now. Sorry for the delay, but I'm glad the fellow ECers were here to jump in. Let me address some specific side issues before I get to the heart of the matter. * Camming. There was a time one could make a decent chunk of change doing that. Those days are, for the most part, gone. Two things have contributed to that. First off, the economy tanked. This means people have decided that they're more willing to do things for money that they perhaps normally wouldn't. That greatly increased the pool of would-be cammers-for-pay. The second factor is the ubiquity of webcams and free sites. A decade ago, the mere idea that you could get a guy to "do stuff on camera" for you was rare and exciting. Nowadays, I could probably find five guys willing to do whatever I want on camera within ten minutes...for free. There ARE still guys who can make some coin camming. But only if you can offer something that people can't get for free. You ever been to a concert or festival or something, and there's those people out there giving out "FREE HUGS"? OK, imagine starting a "HUGS - $2" booth right next to them. Everybody's going to go to the free-hug guy unless you've got something that's really worth those two extra bucks. And when it comes to camming, that means you'd better be really hot, really good at it, and/or ready and willing to do some really out-there stuff in order to earn that pay. And I can't speak for any of those attributes (and honestly, not interested in rating you there ), but the chances that you'll be able to earn a sizable amount of money doing it is pretty remote. * Brief bit about co-signing loans. It's very common for people to be a bit cavalier about the whole "co-signing on a loan" bit, but here's the thing. If you co-sign on a loan for a friend, and the friend decides to simply not pay it, the loan company can go after you for the whole thing. The loan company doesn't even have to try to track down your friend. If you're more convenient for them to find than your friend, they can just serve YOU with the entire bill, and it'll be up to YOU to pay the entire thing. So if you decide you're going to hightail it to Duluth or something instead of paying back the loan, that loan will become your parents' problem - completely. As such, your parents are probably treating this correctly. It IS a big deal. So do treat it as such. Now on to your overreaching issues, already in progress. It sounds good that you found your passion. And it's great that you're trying to formulate a plan to find a way to live out the passion. It's hard to tell from your posts, but there are suggestions that there are a lot of unanswered questions along those lines. Not just "how can I do this" but what some of the basic facts of "what would I need to do working in this field". And if so, I'd say the best move right now is to answer those questions. You might try reaching out to some people in the field, and seeing if somebody would be willing to take time to answer some questions and give you some rather basic advice. You can do all this online. And there's bound to be some dead ends - people who won't write back - but just keep reaching out. You'll eventually find somebody who's in the field and is willing to give you some pointers. While you get the pointers, you might start working on a masterplan. What exactly should your next move be? Can you start saving money for that goal? Can you get a second job that supplements your fulltime one? Also, can you study up or "practice" in your chosen field while you do that? For instance, if you've decided your passion is...oh, I don't know, graphic art...you can read up on graphic art. You can familiarize yourself with some of the computer programs they're currently using. You can give yourself some fake assignments ("if I had to design a poster for this event, what would I do?") to complete. Obviously, some fields lend themselves more to this than others, but you should be able to at least get some info while you work towards your goal. Lex
Hey thanks you two. Lex, I see what you're saying about the subconscious threat which is a loan being associated with them but we've done it before and what I really want is just their support. Besides I'm not doing myself or anyone proud with my current job, and other people in my family with similar jobs are still an even bigger financial burden because they have to keep borrowing money for a little while to pay off simple things. My long term goal is auctioneering which I've already attended school for, kind of "live the life", reached out to other professionals, and even gained a lot of experience in. The thing is I still need some more time of experience, and even with that I need to comfortably support myself while starting up my own business. The thing is, it's so deeply rooted in to our culture that you barely even need a highschool diploma to be licensed. But what you put in is what you get out. If you can't figure numbers, well they won't count themselves and you'll just end up out of business like any poorly run company. I'm hoping that college would help me build that foundation & help find a much better job to start up with. Those jobs would also net me some connections & the chances of me dolling myself up in a nice suit, walking into a bank, and being like "heeeyy what are you doing with all that repossesed property and those foreclosed homes by the way?"
