Dealing with guilt, self esteem

I'm in a similar boat, though maybe a little further along than you. I too have gay friends, support liberal causes - heck, i even walked with my friend's marching band in a local pride parade BEFORE realizing that I wasn't straight. Still, it's one thing to support a marginalized group of people, and then it's another to realize that YOU are going to be marginalized, too. I remember thinking, my god, aren't i enough minorities as it is, do I have to be one more?!

I keep telling myself, though, that I can pretend to be in the heterosexual majority, but never truly be happy because I am not being myself . . . or i can accept that I am in the minority, be who I am, and try to find happiness as best I can. It's not me that needs to change, it's society.

The guilt aspect isn't so much of an issue for me because I really didn't know (consciously) until a few months ago, and I came out to family and close friends not long after that. I can say that my friends whom I've told don't treat me the least bit differently . . . but I do have some, less-close, friends I haven't told because I'm just not sure how they will react. But I think that this is something people will understand if you never told them, because of how personal and sensitive it is. It's a sad fact that even in 2011, it's not always safe to be out.

 

Hey,

I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues right now too. I'm also liberal and have gay friends and am quite vocal about equal rights for all people, but I still feel a little sick when I think about it all in relation to myself. As a kid I imagined a certain life for myself, and I'm sure my parents also imagined a certain life for me as well, and knowing that living that type of life would be a lie is hard to swallow. I know that I have to be who I am, a lesbian, if I'm going to live an honest life, I just really don't know if its even what I want. It's really confusing because there is a part of me that wants to live the lie, to have the white picket fence and 2.5 kids, but the older I get I realize that it's not just a matter of determining if I want to live the lie or not, but a matter of whether I even CAN. I've never once felt anything more than friendship for a guy and I now know I'm only capable of caring deeply about women. I have to remind myself that it wouldn't be fair to pretend I'm someone I'm not because then I'd only be hurting people. I know for a fact that a lot of my immediate family will not accept me as a lesbian, especially not right away. I do hope that over time I will be able to convince them, that my sexual orientation doesn't change who I am and doesn't make me inherently less valuable as a person. Right now I'm scared to come out, but I know that it's the right thing to do eventually, I'm just dreading the loss of the "heterosexual privilege" coming out is going to cause, especially living in the conservative city that I do. Hopefully I can find the courage to live my life as who I am and not as society tells me I should be, and I hope you can too!

 

Time.

Sometimes (or most of the time) it just takes a while to figure out how to accept yourself. Being able to say "ok, I'm gay" is something that comes after a lot of pent-up frustration at hiding in the closet. It's the claustrophobia of your own self-pressured mind that eventually hurls you into acceptance. Face it-- you just won't be happy pretending to be someone you're not.

Yes, being straight would be easier. Of course it would be easier. No one asks to be gay. And right now, it may feel like you'd rather pretend to be straight-- and maybe you would rather do that. But you'll get sick of it. People are not supposed to suppress themselves. It sucks the energy out of you. It sucks the happiness out of you.

So I'd say it really is just time. You need to sit with it for a while. But at least you're able to admit that you have certain feelings. From here on out, it's just a journey of self-acceptance. And emptclosets among other sites helps a lot-- just hearing other people's stories and sharing your own kind of warms you to the idea of understanding and loving who you really are.

 

My internalized homophobia was one of my biggest obstacles to coming out. I was kind of like you - socially liberal, supportive of gay people - but I had a BIG problem with myself being gay.

I took to examining the reasons why I had such a problem with myself being gay. I didn't have any religious reasons to deal with, and my family is very open minded, so I crossed those two off the list. Eventually, it came down to me not wanting to let go of the life I had envisioned for myself - what I like to call the "white picket fence" life. The wife, kids, nice house in the suburbs, and a dog or two; the idea of living up to my parents' and society's expectations. But after a while I finally accepted what I knew all along - that even with that "white picket fence" life that was my dream, I would still not be truly happy. It was then that most of my internalized homophobia started dissipating. I realized that I wasn't letting go of my dream - just altering it a bit. So maybe I'll have a husband, nice house in the suburbs, and a dog or two. I know that's what's going to make me happiest, and so expectations be damned, that's what I'm going to try for.

I can't speak much as to the guilt, except to say that I did feel a bit guilty about always lying around the people close to me, but when I came out to them, they didn't really seem to care that much that I hadn't been honest with them in the past. They were mainly just happy that I was being truthful them then.

There were some friendships that I was afraid would either fail, or at the least be significantly altered, but honestly everybody's been fine with it. People in the closet tend to believe that coming out will be way worse than it actually is - I certainly did.

 

"On the flip side, you COULD argue that I've made it easier for myself. If I'm staring the embodiment of normalcy in the face, and it doesn't feel right, it should be clarifying. Who knows"

That makes a lot of sense to me. I've sabotaged more than one 'idyllic' 'normal' relationship because something just didn't feel right.

 

People already gave you awesome advices here, but..before i say something; i'm just 16 (recently 16), i don't have much life experience but..what you are saying, is true. i guess everyone, or almost everyone lgbt passes by that, for me the greatest "cure" for that "inner homophobia" was..to make it more and more natural, gradually natural, like bringing up "gay" subjects in talking, with friends for example.

Some girls, that are my friends many times started to talk about guys and stuff with me and.. i had come out to them like a few weeks (6 or 7) before, i was like terrified by many things even though i accepted myself to the point of coming out to everyone, as time passed i got more and more used to the fact i was not only talking about guys with my friends i was also Looking at them, haha!


Yeah..with my friends around, i got that comfort of talking subjects of that kind, which i mentally considered "wrong" in the past. The Fear disappeared, now i am really myself.. i don't need to lie anymore because i did it many times to cover my "gay" side before, i don't feel bad about it..you shouldn't feel bad about it, do things gradually, don't rush, it doesn't matter if you lie, what matters is how YOU feel.

You'll get these, good luck! I hope this little post will help you somehow ^^

 

It always come back and bite you stilllovelyafte. It just matter of time.

I am still struggling with it. I think I am gay than bisexual. I completely lost my interest for girls. And to be honest, I don't really like the idea of saying I am gay. I do have gay friends, and support equal rights. Somehow, I still think that being gay is wrong. But one of my straight friend told me, "just be yourself. If you're happy with a guy, then be with a guy. As long you're happy, we'll support you."

I hope you can come in terms with yourself. Let's work together.

 

Redstormrising has said pretty much all that I wanted to say, because her situation's nearly identical to mine (except the coming out to family part). What she said about society being the thing that needs to change is pretty important, because we all know that being gay is not something that can be changed. Friends, family, and society will try to change you to fit their idea of what you should be, and it's pretty much like being between a rock and a hard place--conform to their expectations, and lead an unhappy life, or be yourself, and suffer from stigmatization, oppression, and bigotry. Ultimately, I think that being oneself is far more important (at least in Western cultures) than trying to fit in, and more happy, satisfied people lead to the greater well-being of everyone.

 

Hi mate,

I hope my story helps you.

I am 31, and 6 months ago I because very stressed, depressed and anxious. This was down to the fact I had been having sex with guys for years and years, but then carried on with my straight life. For me it all came to a head, and I had to do something about it.

So to you I say this...

My 15 male friends, 5 girlie friends, mum, dad, 2 sisters, 35 staff at work and around 10 other people in my life have all shown me this...

Love, acceptance and care. Not one of them has shown anger, only understanding. Even my wife who I hurt mortally still accepts me (something I struggle with and probably always will).

All the people in your life love you for you, and the fact that you are wired to like guys will not change that. Yes, they will be shocked, yes, things will change, yes you will feel like you have made a mistake, but yes, at the end of all that comes the biggest gift of all, and that is the real you.

Ask yourself this...

If they are your friends now and they love what they see already, then how much deeper and stronger are those relationships going to be when they get to see the whole you.

Have pride in who you are, always feel this pride even when you make a mistake. No one ever tells you the right or wrong way to live life, you find your way through it. If you stay true to yourself, as I am learning to, then the prize at the end is one of peace and happiness.

I hope that helps you mate.