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Tired of feeling confused & depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Brightsky, Oct 16, 2011.

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  1. Brightsky

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    I'm really tired of questioning my sexuality and scared to come to terms with the fact that i might be gay. Ever since elementary school i've been curious about guys and never really thought much of it, during high school i started fantasizing about being with other guys and i thought it was normal to go through this phase, but it never really passed it just grew more over time. During college i was really starting to question myself, but i was to scared think that i could be gay and didn't know how to deal with it. I keep telling myself that i will eventually find a girlfriend and these feelings will pass but i'm starting to think thats not going to happen, because over the past couple years i've been finding myself looking more at hot guys than I'm looking at women. I fantasize about being with guys, whenever i masturbate i watch gay porn and enjoy it(straight porn doesn't even turn me on) and now I'm at the point where i actually want a boyfriend, but I'm scared of how my life would change if i came out. I've been in denial for so many years, and have tried to put up an elaborate front to hide my sexuality. I feel so guilty lying for so long and trying to be straight, i feel really guilty about lying to my mom, who thinks I'm straight and waiting for the right girl to come along. I want to be honest with her and tell her how i truly feel and what i've been struggling with for all these years. I also don't want my brother to look at me differently, we are really close but he is super homophobic and not very mature(even though he's 23). I am at a point in my life where I'm tired of Hiding but I'm to scared to open up because i don't know what will happen. Sorry if i was rambling but i just had to get these thoughts out, this stuff is on my mind every day and It's starting to take a toll on me.

    Any advice or people in similar situations would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Gallatin

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    I can empathize with you. Letting go of the "straight guy image" that I had built and meticulously maintained over the years was very, very difficult. I thought that coming out to my family and close friends would be a catastrophe and that life would be turned on its head if I did. Well, I was wrong. Nothing's really changed. My parents still love me and treat me no differently, and so do my friends. When you're in the closet, especially when you've built your self-described "elaborate front", you tend to think that coming out will be way worse than it usually is.

    From reading your post, you sound a lot like me right before I started coming out. You sound like you've reached your internal tipping point, where it's becoming too tiresome and costly to keep lying and hiding, and where coming out is now the better option.

    Okay, so your brother is homophobic, so perhaps it would be better to wait to come out to him until you've come out to others first. Does your mother share his views? If not, do you have a good feel for what her views and opinions on gay people/gay rights are? If she seems generally positive towards gay people and gay rights, then chances are she'd be supportive of you.

    One thing to remember when coming out, always keep your safety and security as your top priority. If your living with your mom, and there's a chance she would kick you out, keep that in mind. Can you find somewhere else to go? Can you financially support yourself if things don't go so well? Keep those things in mind.

    Good luck with your situation.
     
  3. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi there (*hug*),

    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time accepting your sexuality.
    At this point, I think it is quite clear that you are gay as you never shown any kind of interest in girls and are feeling more and more attracted to men as the years are passing by.
    I understand accepting that you're gay is not easy and that it's raising all sorts of scary questions. First, take a deep breath : you don't have to come out to anyone until you feel ready for this. You have been hiding this part of yourself because you were not ready to accept it and you were scared about coming out. This is absolutely normal and this is something every single person who had to come out one day have been struggling with. But that's something the people you'll come out to are going to understand.
    When my gay or bi friends are coming out to me, I don't say "What ??? You've been lying to me for XX years !" I just assume that they were not ready to tell me before.
    So really, that is something you should relax about. Accepting that you're gay and starting to process the idea of coming out is hard enough without beating you up on top of it.
    As far as coming out goes, I think that maybe you should start coming out to your friends rather than starting with family, especially if your brother is homophobic. That would enable you to built yourself a "safety net" in case things don't turn fine with your family. I can only encourage you to find support from an LGBT support group as well. Have a look at the Pflag website and search if there is a chapter in your area : PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays
    I think that would also help you with self-acceptance to see that plenty of people are completely fine with the fact that you're gay.
    As far as family goes, it's hard to give you any advice without having more details, but in any case, you'd be amazed to see how many people who seemed to be homophobic at first turned out to be completely fine when one of their loved ones come out to them.
    It's easy to mock and have a bunch of people you don't know, it's much harder to do the same with someone you've raised or loved all your life.
    Hopefully, you're family will be supportive when you'll come out to them. But once again, coming out isn't a race, and that's not something you have to do until you feel ready for it.

    Let us know how you're doing and feel free to post on EC as much as you want or to contact any of the advisors, anytime.

    Take care, (*hug*) Cécile
     
  4. ukeye

    ukeye Guest

    Hi there,

    I'd like to thank you personally for coming to EC and sharing this with us. When I was 21, I was in exactly the same boat and it took me a year from then to come out to a few people. Your anxieties are normal, and yes it is a big thing. I know when I told my close friends, I still did not want the world to know and took things slow. The approach you take is different for everyone, and facing that inner turmoil is a journey in itself.

    The reason I thank you is because today I met an old friend and was reminded of the pain and suffering I used to have in my life before accepting my sexuality. Coming out as gay is not going to solve all your problems, but it sure as hell helps tackle life in a more honest way. There is so much life that is eaten up by not coming out. It doesnt happen overnight, and there is no quick fix, but over time I can assure you things will begin to improve.

    Remove the idea that you have left it too long.. you are only 21, so a quarter through your life (if even) :lol:. I am turning 25 in a few days and at the start that scared me.. but in reflecting on the last few years, and looking at the man I am today.. I got to say I am proud. I won't, however say that I wish I had have come out earlier. As Eleanor Rigby has said above (cool username btw)^^ We all have our time when we are comfortable to come to terms with our sexuality. There is no perfect time, only a time that we see fit for ourselves.

    There will be homophobic people (like your brother), but I have often found that homophobic attitudes are a learned behaviour and generally don't reflect peoples true inherent beliefs.

    Mate I wish you all the best and think you are going to be fine no matter which way you go about it. If I were you, I'd confide in your mother first and I can't guarantee, but I'd say you will be surprised how much she will appreciate your honesty. Its not overnight, but over time for people to accept this part of ourselves. It is our own acceptance of ourselves which needs to firstly take priority :thumbsup:
     
  5. Brightsky

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    Thank you for your responses.

    alex2020: i agree with you, i think i have reached my tipping point but that just makes me more nervous because I'm so scared to come out to anyone i know (parents, family, friends). My mom isn't homophobic, but i have no clue what her views on gay people are, the topic has never really ever come up & she's never talked about it. She is a pretty open minded person but i feel that if i told her I'm gay it would be such a shock for her. I can't see my mom kicking me out of the house because she loves me too much, but even knowing that I'm still terrified to tell her even though i want to.


    Eleanor Rigby: I've thought about coming out to my best friend Jeff who I've know since i was 7 because he is a pretty open minded person & he's like a 2nd brother to me. But I'm afraid that if i tell him things won't be the same anymore, i don't want him to feel weird around me. if i lost him as my friend i don't know what i'd do(probably cry). I've also thought about coming out to my dad first because i know he loves me more than anything, and he always tells me that he thinks of me everyday and misses me(my parents divorced about 2 years ago). And several weeks ago i was spending the day with him and he asked me if i ever get lonely ( cause i've never been in a relationship, and i had been getting more & more depressed and i think he could tell). He then asked me; if i wanted to find someone to be with whether it be a guy or a girl(his exact words) I was stunned when he said this and even mentioning the idea of being with a guy first. I was speechless and didn't know how to respond so i just said ya and changed the subject. But this incident and all of the love he shows me makes me think that he wouldn't care if i came out to him, but he'd be happy for me. But whenever i think about telling him i get to scared and can't summon the courage to do so.

    I feel like I'm ready to come out and get on with my life but whenever i think about confiding in someone i just chicken out because I'm scared what their reaction will be.
     
  6. Andrew1403

    Andrew1403 Guest

    Your father sounds like a real cool headed guy.. If you are having trouble saying it in person. You could try writing a coming out letter and sending it to him or giving it to him in person to read, which could be a good idea. Then after he reads it you could have a sit down talk or chat....

    After that you can concentrate on coming out slowly to more family members and friends ..just my 2 cents ...

    good luck! :thumbsup: keep us posted! :icon_wink
     
  7. Gallatin

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    I would casually broach the subject with your mom. Bring up an LGBT related news event (such as a celebrity coming out) or an LGBT issue (same-sex marriage, gay adoption) and see how she reacts.

    From reading your post, your dad seems like a good guy. And by the fact that he asked you whether you see yourself with a girl or a guy - that right there tells me that perhaps he's got an inkling as to your sexuality, or at least isn't 100% sure you're straight.

    Like Andrew said, there are many different ways of coming out to someone. If you're feeling less-than-confident when considering telling someone face to face, try writing a letter, texting, or Facebook chat/IM. I was very nervous about coming out to my dad, but I was sure I wanted to do it in person, so what I did was write a letter ahead of time so that I could focus my thoughts and come up with a general outline of what I wanted to say. When I came out to him, I thought about what I had said in the letter and used it. It made me feel a bit more secure and at ease knowing what I wanted to say.
     
  8. Eleanor Rigby

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    Well, given the conversation your dad tried to initiate with you, I think he already has an idea that you might be gay. I think he was trying to tell you that, whatever your sexuality is, he loves you and will be at your side no matter what.
    I think that it may be a good idea to start your coming out process by coming out to him.
    You're not obliged to do that face to face. As Andrew and Alex said, there is many ways of coming out.
    You can send him an e-mail. You can send him a letter. You can write a letter and give it to him in person. You can send a text. You can call him...
    Anything that you'll feel comfortable with is fine.
    As for your friend, it's hard to be able to tell you what is reaction would be, but as you said he is an open-minded person, chances are his reaction will be fine. I understand that you're worried about possible awkwardness, but I think that in general, even if there is some kind of awkwardness at first, that doesn't last long.
    Last but not least : don't blame yourself for being scared. That is completely normal to be scared and worried and every single person in your situation is feeling the same. So, please, don't beat yourself up for being scared and worried, because that's only mean you're human. You're going to be just fine (*hug*)

    Take care, and keep us posted.
     
  9. Brightsky

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    Thanks for your suggestions guys & girl. i appreciate getting some helpful advice as i clearly don't know how to handle this. I think i might start writing a coming out letter just so i can have an idea of what i want to say, i don't think i'll give it to my dad anytime soon but at least i'll be headed in the right direction.

    Thanks again, just reading your posts made me feel a lot better about myself
     
  10. robclem21

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    I just want you to know I feel the exact same way as you do and a lot is similar between our families and friends. My parents are divorced as well and I have had a similar conversation with my mom. Didn't have the guts to tell her either how I really felt. I felt horrible after. I knew near the end of elementary school that I had feelings for guys and used high school to kind of explore that. Unfortunately, some bad experiences left me even more confused than ever. During the first two years of university I was in denial and kept hoping for the same things that you do. That the right girl would come along and everything would work out. I would get mad at myself one night for being this way and then the very next night be super proud of who I was.

    Just over the past 2 years I have started to really become comfortable with myself. I had my first bf, but naturally had to hide it from my parents. I decided to tell my sisters about it because they are like my best friends and I trust them and they helped me keep it from my parents. (don't feel great about that but something I needed to do at the time). That relationship led me to coming out to a few friends just for support when things weren't going great. They have all been amazing, even the ones I thought wouldn't be supportive have been outstanding. There is no awkwardness and things are as good as ever. I think that's the way it is with true friends. I am still not ready to come out to my parents but I am feeling much better about who I am. Coming out to a few close friends went a long way in taking some of the stress and pressure off myself. If you still feel not ready, we will all be here for you to help you handle the stress and worry. I am the same age and live only about an hour from you. (Richmond Hill). If you need someone to talk to I left a message on your wall. Message me anytime. We have a lot in common I would love to talk about with you.
     
  11. Sam R

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    Hey buddy,

    I just wanted to give you a tiny bit of advice.

    Im 31 and have not long ago come out to my wife and all of my friends and family.

    It has been hell, but only because I left it so long and built up an image of myself to everyone in my life that I was something that I am not.

    My reason for telling you is this, even if you are not sure of yoursexuality, trust in the people who love you and tell them you need help. No one can do anything alone. Not one friend of mine or anyone in my family has turned their back on me,, not even my wife.

    I have spent probably half my life being something that I am not so am now trying to grab the second half and make it what I want.

    Always be proud of who you are, and brave enough to ask for help from those who love you. As long as you do whatever you want to do with consideration for yourself and others things will work out well for you. Everyones path is different, not just with sexuality but with race, gender, coping with illness or loss. Be true to you and not afraid to ask for help.

    If you want to chat let me know,

    Sam.
     
  12. Baconjunkie123

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    Dang, i thought it was hard being a lesbian 13 year old!!!

    I think that you just gotta follow your heart. Good luck!!!!!!
     
  13. BradThePug

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    This thread is from 2011.
     
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