Ok so, I love being around people. I love going to parties. I love going to the bar and dancing. However, I'm a bit shy. I often have trouble speaking to people. There are two things I really want to do. I want to goto one of the local gay bars. I also want to meet people. I've been to this particular bar once or twiceand have had quite a bit of fun. I'd like to go back. I don't really have anyone to go with though. I don't really know howto go myself. I mean, I'm perfectly capable of going... Standing around... Only speaking when I order a beer and only being spoken to by the bartender I order it from... Being completely alone in a crowd isn't really fun. So how do I do it? How do I meet other gay people (or even just people in general)? Its funny, it seems like everyone I'm friends with I've known for most of my life. Few of them actually seem to share any of my interests. I'm kinda thinking of trying to break out of my little comfortable bubble a bit this weekend. Going to this bar I keep talking about. I'm scared that I'll just end up floating around unable to even say 'hi' to anyone. What to do, what to do?
I've had trouble in the past with that same "shyness" (but i obviously couldnt go to a gay bar like you, but school dances etc. will have to substitute). I could go on forever blaming a billion factors that mightve made me so shy, but in the end it comes down to my comfort zone. Lately, ive moved out of that comfort bubble and just enjoyed life acting like an idiot doing what i want to when i want to. Just being a free spirit. There are several things i have to thank for this sudden courageous boost in myself. My religion that totally backs me up and says enjoy life and be free, my friends for being so understanding of who i am, and finally...my reality check that someday...something might happen that i wont be able to do what i want...i might become disabled, die, and all sorts of other stuff. I realised that, if i dont do what i want...ill have to deal with regret. Sure if i do something REALLY stupid like smoke pot then thats not such a great choice...but if its something like going to the gay bar and metting new people, (probably making a fool of myself becuz i cant dance)....then ill laugh about it later with friends...i mean you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Just go for it...spirituality helps alot in this area. So you need to be more free spirited. Music is always a good way to get you right and ready to just let go. If you desire, i can request some songs. Blessed be!
Thanks for the advice, seems to describe where I am reasonably well, except for the religious aspect. I have... issues with the majority of religions, and with blind faith in general.
I had an awful problem with shyness until I was in college. The thought of speaking before a group would make me a nervous wreak for weeks and I would never think of just walking up to someone to hold a conversation. Such a thought literally made me want to faint. I overcame that by going into radio in college. Somehow, I was not afraid of the microphone, and having no one around in an empty studio was calming to me--despite the fact that I was speaking to hundreds of thousands of people. The point is...find something easy and safe that you can experiment with. Go in baby steps and gradually work your way up to more difficult behaviors. Fortunately, working your way out of a shyness-shell can be very rewarding and there's hopefully a lot of reinforcement. Bring a friend into your confidence, if possible, and ask for feedback and reinforcement. Friends can be enormous support systems as you try new things. Good luck!
It doesnt need to be religion that gives you the courage...channel it from another source. Cryptic? Let me explain. What do you do that makes you feel....well...free, energised, ready to take on the world. For alot of people...its music. Just a few songs and they're back on their feet ready to do something they normally wouldnt (positive of course...not durgs etc.) For others. It's excerise. A few laps around the block, or 50 reps with a barbell and they're ready. All you have to do is find the source from which you will draw enough courage etc. to just go ahead and do whatever you want to...to just release you inhibitions. The secret is just to find something that you can use to fight you shyness....a pin to pop your comfort bubble. This of course means that you have to be ready to move out of your comfort zone. Easy? It's not. Deep down, a place you have no conscience over...is a place where true feelings hide. On the surface you may want to...but its at the most inconvienant time that those deeper feelings rush into play. You have to be spiritually ready to say that those deeper feelings no longer are there....that they have no more power over you...and mean it. Once you've abolished these feelings...you're free to access that "source" i mentioned earlier. An unlimited supply of courage and self-confidence. Last and most importantly...you have to believe in this "Source"....that it will truely give you what you need to just let go. Now im not claiming i know everything, or that im some kind of professional...simply that this is what works for me and many others that ive shared this strategy with. I sincerely hope this helps...blessed be and much luck.
Well, I went. I had quite a bit of fun. I didn't really manage to talk to anyone or make any sort of contact. That still needs work. I feared that I wouldn't. Fortunately however it didn't bug me that I didn't. Despite that fact I still had a lot of fun going, and dancing. I guess it felt like a big enough victory, a big enough adventure that the lack of real social contact didn't matter. Still, I think I need to figure a few things out. Such as howto look relaxed and casual. One thing I did notice while I was there is the way I stand doesn't look at all relaxed. I'm not sure how to fix that. Maybe I need to do something with my hands, cross my arms or something. I wish it was as easy to look relaxed and friendly as it is to dissapear into the background. :lol:
That's really cool you could go and enjoy yourself even if you didn't manage to talk to anyone. I don't think I've ever had the nerve to go clubbing on my own--I always go with friends. Regarding what you said about looking relaxed and casual: you just act it. There's no secret. You just learn how to act that way. It's kinda how I learned to dance: I just kept a close eye on some people who I thought were great dancers and tried to imitate them as best I could. That, and I tried to focus really hard on not caring how I looked. If you can shut off that kind of self-consciousness, that's pretty much 90% of the battle. Appearing self-assured is generally just that: appearing. Eventually you just develop the ability to be relaxed without having to think about it. It's what I discovered about being popular: it's not this mysterious thing that you have to work at to attain--it's kinda... mythical-intuitive. People are drawn to people who emanate confidence, regardless of whether that confidence is real or not. So if you don't feel confident in a situation, you can fake it. Seriously. I know it seems like this enigma no one can figure out but social grace is just like any other behaviour that can be learned. We learn how to interact in all sorts of different situations in our lives. The popular/confident/at ease people just stumbled onto how to interact really effectively ahead of the rest of the class. Truly confident/at ease/relaxed people are really, really rare. So yeah, my advice would be to study up on the people who come across the way you'd like to come across. You can learn how to hold yourself to achieve lots of different reactions from people. Body language is a language like any other... we just don't often consider it something that can be learned like all our other languages. Have fun!
