So hi, As I guess you can tell I'm new here and decided to make my first post. When first thinking about what I want to say, I feel as if it's really depressing (like REALLY depressing) at least to me and am unsure of what I should include. After thinking about it for a while I decided that I'm just going to blurt it all out and see what happens. Right now my thoughts are all jumbled up but I will do my best to make them clear as can be. This might turn out to be a wall of text so I will try to enter as much as I can. I guess it has been around 8 years that I new I was "different" (21 at the moment). The whole attracted to other males kinda gave that away. This ultimately lead to me being incredibly shy and kind of a wimp. Though I got through HS without anyone really knowing, mainly because I have always kept to my self and been a very quiet person. I would say the only people that might know are my mother (possibly dad too) and a few friends (but not really). I would say the only real indicator would be the fact that I have not really had a girlfriend for quite some time now. The last time was in HS and it was more of a friendship that she wanted to turn serious-ish but my self had no real feelings. I liked her as a person (and the sister of one of my friends at the time, she was a great individual). She was the type of person that you would be the first to come out to. However we lost track of each other and she joined the air force and have no idea were she is Over the years I have still kept to my self and found my self lost in computer games (you need some kind of social interaction). Have some friends that I play with consistently but my guess is that they probably might not take it very well (or not care, hard to tell). So I guess along with having a few friends RL (that I really mainly play computer games with), and a few that I know online that's about all the social interaction I get, this not including my family which you could say I'm very close with. By close I mean like I tell them very thing, never smoked, never drank etc. Which makes this whole thing suck because I want to tell someone but feel as though I need to accept who I am before someone else can. This kinda sucks but I'm anti social which I guess in a way makes me socially inept. So meeting new people is always strange, which is why I guess why I avoid it. Which is probably why I have never seriously kissed someone and still a virgin. I guess it all hit me this weekend when somehow or another I stumbled upon a gay movie (Shelter, i think). I ended up watching it and for the first time felt this void. Before this I was happy enough just watching gay porn but ultimately just saying that I was waiting for the right girl to come along. I guess you can take this as I am gay but have not really accepted it myself. My plan up to this point was to find a nice girl at some point marry, children, die, etc, but I'm feeling like that is no longer really an option. I don't want to live a lie and I don't want someone else to have feelings that I can't return. In the end it would be unfair to her and people deserve more then that. I guess at this point I am at a loss of what to do. I guess I feel weird (not that it is weird, just weird to me) having a relationship with a male. I feel as though I could also have a relationship with a female but not sexually. However having a sexual relationship with a male would be ok with me. I guess it comes down to having enough time and letting this all sink in. I must admit I am very thankful for this site as just reading all the stuff people go through makes me feel better, that I'm not the only one. I must have read 5+ pages of each forum before having the nerve to type and post this. This is really the first time I have done anything like this (opened up to anyone) and I'm hoping this was a good place to start and at least get some guidance. So be gentile After reading what I wrote it kinda depresses me and sorry if it was to much at one time, but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I was thinking about PMing it to one of the people they have listed but did not want to dump this all on one person. So I figured I would post it here and if someone feels if they can help and does not want to post here feel free to PM. Like I said sorry if any of this is inappropriate and this is to much but I had to do something. Thanks for listening
Welcome to EC! It's perhaps not surprising that you found writing your post a bit depressing. You're actively looking at something you've sort of kept subsumed for several years. And although nothing's really changed between pre-post and post-post (?) - you're still you after all - there's something so...REAL...about saying it to somebody else, even if it's online. It's as if up until that point, you could just say "Nope, forget it - I'm straight", start dating girls, and that whole part of your life never happened. But you've sort of stepped forward towards that "no backsies" area, and that can be a bit overwhelming. But you made that step for a reason. Because that whole "I'm gay" thing ain't going away. Like me, it sounds like your "gay phase" lasted a lot longer than you thought it would. And so now you're faced with the whole "Well, now what?" part. It sounds like you've thought this out pretty well, and I agree with what you've said. It's probably best to come out to yourself more before coming out to others. So what's the best way to do that? What's the best way to feel better about what you are and where you are? In my opinion, interact more. Talk to more gay folks. And you don't have to do it in person - here on EC is fine. Right now, to you, "the whole gay thing" is probably a mish-mash of the unknown, half-truths and vague ideas. Interacting with us will help clarify things, give you a better idea of "what it all means". As you interact more, you'll probably grow to understand yourself better, and then hopefully be in a place where coming out isn't quite so scary as it is now. Lex
Hey, First, all thank you Lex for your response. I must have read it like 25 times and gave it time to really sink in. I'm actually glad that you were the one to respond because of all of the people that I was thinking of sending it to it would have been you. You seem to give really good advise. So thanks. Second, you mentioned that it might help to interact with others and possibly here (on EC). What topics do you think would be good to start with because this is all new to me (in a way). I must admit that I am way more comfortable with it after doing some looking around and all that good stuff. Third, thanks again and if anyone else has some input I would be more then happy to listen. I'm trying to check the forums as often as I can, time allowing. If someone wants to chat feel free to contact me! Thanks again for all the help.. later
