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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 18th Oct 2011, 06:19 PM   #1
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Default Inability to say "I'm gay"

I have told around 13 of my friends that I am gay, the problem is that I have never told anyone that I am gay in person I have always done it via text messages. When I thought I was just bi I told my mom via a text message I couldn't even tell a gay friend that I'm gay in person. I feel that if/ when I come out to everyone and people ask me if it is true that I'm gay I will do what I do now and just say no. I have no idea how to make it easier to just day the simple words I'm gay.

Another thing I have a slight problem with is I don't care at all if people say or think I'm gay behind my back but if someone asks me if I'm gay, I say no and then later I guess I get mad or something like that because they asked with no evidence. I guess I get mad because the same person has asked me 3 times and each time I said no. I guess I want to know if this is unusual or something I should care about.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 06:33 PM   #2
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

Every gay guy goes through defensiveness when they're asked if their gay or not, so it's normal imo.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 06:49 PM   #3
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I had the same issue. When I first can to terms with my gayness, it was very hard to admit to myself that I was gay, much less other people. And in my experience, it is much easier to write stuff down than it is to say. One thing I did was quietly say to myself. "I'm a lesbian." when I was alone. It helps to slowly build up confidence that the term you identify with belongs to you, and there's really nothing wrong with it. One day it will get easier, I promise.

As for when you second question, I really don't have much of an answer for you there. I too, still have issues telling people the truth if they ask if I am gay. But I think it's just because I'm not ready to be completely out yet at school.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 07:05 PM   #4
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I have like no problem with admitting to myself that I'm gay at all, like I have no problem with it at all especially when I'm around someone who knows I'm gay. I just can't tell anyone in person if I'm telling them for the first time, I just freeze up and can't say it.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 07:06 PM   #5
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

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Originally Posted by don29002 View Post
Every gay guy goes through defensiveness when they're asked if their gay or not, so it's normal imo.
Answer my new question: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/suppor...e-like-me.html
Don...while it's not against the rules, I just don't think one should give advice and then ask someone to answer their question....it's frankly kinda saying "oh I helped you now help me!" EC doesn't really work that way....


As for the OP, you'll get there. Sometimes when one thinks they've accepted themselves, they haven't FULLY accepted themselves. Saying I'm Gay is probably not only the most difficult thing for a gay man to do, but it's also pretty much the last step.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 07:16 PM   #6
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I have a hard time saying the words "I'm gay" (which sometimes makes me wonder if maybe I'm really not, even though that really doesn't make any sense), but I am okay with saying "I like girls." baby steps, i guess . . .
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 07:32 PM   #7
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I see where you are getting at with the baby steps thing, I guess I don't have to say out right that I'm gay I could just say "I like guys" that's a lot easier to say and for that advice I thank you because it is very helpful.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 09:03 PM   #8
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

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Originally Posted by behind glass View Post
I just can't tell anyone in person if I'm telling them for the first time, I just freeze up and can't say it.
Ah so true... similar stuff happens to me. I've gone through the process three times now and each time I shake uncontrollably as I say it. But, it does become easier every time. So hang in there!
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 09:08 PM   #9
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

Breathe. Search yourself. Breathe again. No one is rushing you. Take YOUR time, not anyone else’s.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 09:26 PM   #10
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

Nothing you have experienced is unusual at all. I doubt many of us or those in the LGBT community at large have been confident enough to make such a bold statement at the moment they admit the truth to themselves. I, like you, have trouble saying the three magic words out loud and saying "yes" when asked if I'm gay. I agree with Revan in that saying "I am gay" is probably the most difficult thing for a gay man/woman to do, but it's the last step in the coming out process.

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Old 18th Oct 2011, 09:50 PM   #11
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

Really, don't be so hard on yourself. I had exactly the same problem when I was coming out--the inability to force the words out of my mouth--and I was about 30 years old. Notice that redstormrising, above, is also about 30, and having similar problems. There are posts on here from people even older who are just coming out as well, who have come here because they need the support. You are coping with something that adults frequently struggle with and find very difficult. So, cut yourself some slack.

It's okay to take things as slowly as you need to. I mean, it's good to keep moving forward, but there is really no need to hurry about it.

If you do get in the situation where you end up lying, don't beat yourself up about that, either. When you decide to, you can just explain that you weren't ready before. And keep in mind, in most cases the person asking realizes that there is a high probability that you will lie.

Unless they really have malicious intentions, try not to get mad at people when they ask. But when the same person asks you over and over like that, you might want to give some thought to what the motivation might be. Someone who keeps asking probably has some personal reason for wanting to know; this could be romantic interest in you, or a need to find someone to share with about their own sexuality, although there are other possibilities.
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Old 18th Oct 2011, 10:05 PM   #12
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

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Originally Posted by Ianthe View Post
Really, don't be so hard on yourself. I had exactly the same problem when I was coming out--the inability to force the words out of my mouth--and I was about 30 years old. Notice that redstormrising, above, is also about 30, and having similar problems. There are posts on here from people even older who are just coming out as well, who have come here because they need the support. You are coping with something that adults frequently struggle with and find very difficult. So, cut yourself some slack.
This. It's hard enough coping as an adult -- and by all accounts, I think I've had a pretty easy go of it -- but I can't even imagine dealing with this as a teenager. I'm almost glad I didn't (consciously) know back then!
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Old 19th Oct 2011, 12:00 AM   #13
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

It happens to all of us. When I first came out, I didn't actually say I was bi. (Rather, I made it bleeding obvious by leaving my FB over the 'Interested In' section at school). And if anybody started asking me gay questions (e.g. Do you watch gay porn, would you suck a dick) I'd get really defensive (and say no). Over time, those barriers will just subside. It is not to say you need to closet yourself until they're gone, but it happens to everybody.
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Old 19th Oct 2011, 02:44 PM   #14
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I still have that problem!
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Old 19th Oct 2011, 08:37 PM   #15
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I guess one of the things that makes it hard for me to tell even friends that I'm gay is the fact that I go to a small school (there are roughly 60 or 70 kids in my grade) and if I tell the person and they decide to tell someone else the whole grade will know within 3 hours. This is partly the reason I double guess if I should tell them and if I can trust them.
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Old 19th Oct 2011, 11:36 PM   #16
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

If you can't trust your friends, then you have a problem. But regardless of school size, the people who care will find out soon enough if it gets out in the open.
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Old 19th Oct 2011, 11:39 PM   #17
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

A lot of people have this problem, it's normal. Don't rush yourself. Just do this when you are ready to. Saying those few words is so hard for some people. When I was younger it was difficult for me to do that too. With age, I've gotten a lot more comfortable being who I am. I'm sure it'll happen the same way for you. Just take it at your own pace.
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Old 20th Oct 2011, 02:56 PM   #18
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I definitely know what you mean. For awhile I couldn't even look in the mirror and say it to myself. Though, it just seemed to get gradually easier as time went on and I became more comfortable with myself. As for saying it to another person, I'm not sure. I'm actually planning to come out for the first time face-to-face instead of via email/text this Saturday, so I guess I'll see if I have the guts then =/
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Old 28th Oct 2011, 02:53 PM   #19
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

I use to be like that. I would come out to people but when others asked me, I would say no. Later on, I got over it and told people the truth when people asked.
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Old 28th Oct 2011, 03:26 PM   #20
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Default Re: Inability to say "I'm gay"

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One thing I did was quietly say to myself. "I'm a lesbian." when I was alone. It helps to slowly build up confidence that the term you identify with belongs to you, and there's really nothing wrong with it. One day it will get easier, I promise.
This worked for me. When no one was around me, I spoke phrases like "I want a boyfriend" and "I'm gay" to myself to prepare myself for coming out and not dodging my gayness in conversation. I recommend it!
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