not sure

Welcome to EC! Although this seems more a question for Dan Savage than the gargoyle, but I'll attempt to answer anyway.

The general rule in committed relationships is that one should be at least open to hearing about the other's fantasies. That means listening to them, and considering them, but it doesn't mean they should be forced to play them out if it's far outside their comfort zone. It doesn't sound like you've approached your wife about this fantasy of yours. And if you really want to play aboveboard here, that should be your first move. Tell her that that you're interested in having a threesome with a woman and a man. Based on her response, there's a bunch more to consider.

* If she DOES end up being agreeable, you'll need to find a guy willing to join you two. And that's somebody who you BOTH need to agree on - no fair grabbing somebody your wife won't feel comfortable with. It'd probably be best to not pick from your friends, but to advertise for somebody in the appropriate spots. I won't go further down that road unless you come to it.

* If she DOES end up being agreeable to it, know that you owe her big time, and you'll need to seriously consider letting her indulge in one of HER wildest fantasies. And if that means chaining you up and smacking you around, get ready to start shopping for restraints.

* If she ends up NOT being agreeable to it, you might see if she'd be agreeable to you hooking up (once) with another couple. Either with full disclosure (she gets to meet the couple, or even watch you hook up) or with none at all. But that should be approached even more delicately than you would suggesting the original threesome.

* If she's not agreeable to that either, honestly, my personal feeling is you're out of luck. You're in a committed relationship, and she's told you that's outside her comfort zone, and I feel you need to abide by that. It's very easy to get into this mindset:

"Hey, it's obvious she won't be into this. She probably won't even want to talk to me if I bring it up. So I'll just go look for it on my own, on the side, without her knowing. Hey, I'm probably doing her a favor by doing this - I'm not making her confront this, and this way, I'll have my fantasy fulfilled, and we can get back to our happy marriage. It'll probably be a GOOD thing, all things considered."

There are many terms for this, but the easiest one is "bullshit". You're justifying cheating, end of story. Either you care enough about your wife to bring her on board, or you care enough to decide to leave the fantasy as fantasy.

* Lastly, and just as importantly, you need to consider what to do if, after your "one time" thing, you decide it's not something you want to stop doing after just one go-round.

Lex

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'd echoe much of what Lex has said above. I went down that path, justifying every line that I crossed as I crossed it, and I regret it. I wish I had remained faithful to my wife.

What you really need to address is how long you've had this fantasy. What is it about a 3some that interests you. Is having a woman there just a 'cover' so that you're not really having 'gay' sex? Because if a same sex attraction is really at the root of this, you need to think long and hard about what you really want. You're very close to opening a 'Pandora's Box' that you won't be able to close again.

I too assumed that I just needed to get it "out of my system". I would simply try it "once" and I'd be done with it. But I was never satisfied and eventually had to let my wife know that I'd been unfaithful, and that it was always with other men. Talk about devastating! So have the conversation with her now, and if you don't want to do that, then maybe it's time to have a conversation with a counsellor to explore what you really want out of life.