Richard/Still mostly In

My names Richard/Panda. I'd put all this in my Homepage but I can't figure how to work it.Some of you may have wondered why a 62 year old guy is on EC.A few months ago I mentioned to my therapist that I'd had some gay experiences in my life that bothered me.This sent me on a search on the internet to find some place to talk and get advice.All the sites I found were meat markets.In EC I found people who were going through the same things I was.And to top it off the people here are intelligent.funny,thoughtful,and very compassionate.The courage of the people here has allowed me to continue my search for peace of mind.
It's very difficult for older people to find the resources to work with.Most of the counseling services here have waiting lists of 2-4 months.So I finally have a meeting with a councilor next Monday.I have chatted with a man named Dick Moore who is a coordinator for older GLBT people at 519 Church, which is a help centre here in Toronto.I've attended some groups at 519 but never really connected.
My gay history is that over the past 20 years or so I got horny 2-3 times a year and went to a bath house to get relief.In some ways I felt guilty/naughty/perverted but the thing is I really enjoyed it.
About a year ago I quit drinking[26oz/day]and smoking[50 cigarettes/day] and have been in therapy for depression weekly and more since.The Celexa that I take for depression also seems to have pretty well killed my sexual desires at this point,which is OK as I work through all this.
Another side of this is the woman that I've lived with for over 20 years.She has financially
supported me while I've dealt with the depression.She's a dear friend and I love her but we have not had sex for years.
After I came out to my therapist I felt so confident.I felt that I knew who and what I was.I went to the bath houses but wasn't interested,went to the nude beach but realized I was really a naturalist.Since then I have lost that confidence and have slipped back into the closet.I've told a few people, but not my partner.
Another thing is that I get off on both gay and hetero porn.
So I see this councilor on Monday and continue this journey of self discovery.I've been able to keep on track thanks to EC.