Hello everyone, I'm an Asian guy with the age of 21. First of all, I'd like to apologize in advance if my grammar is a bit funny since English is not my first language (or second language for that matter), so bear with me here. To tell the truth, I've been roaming around the forum for quite a while now and it is certainly a warm community with a lot of bright and brilliant people. I feel weird sharing my thoughts and worries on the internet but I'm not what you call a sharing person among my group friends so I guess I've got no choice but to share it with you guys. Please listen. I think I've fully realized I was gay when I was 19. As a child, around grade 3, I've always known I'm different, you know, with feminine behavior and stuffs. I get mocked and laughed at by all my friends everyday. So, my childhood was pretty bad, feeling as an inferior, lesser and insignificant. My father scold me all the time, told me that a man shouldn't act queerly and tried to teach me to be more manly and so I did. My high-school life was an improvement, I was the typical jock of the school and fit in with everyone else just fine. I joined the basketball team and make great friends with my team member. I also joined modeling company, doing few shots for commercial poster and magazine. Moreover, I had a girlfriend who I've been courting for a long time and we would go on a date and make out. Life was great. I was the person who everyone turns to and can respect. I don't feel like a minority anymore but deep down, I knew something was not right and so did my girlfriend. During prom night, I didn't show enough "affection" for her and not so long later we broke up and she immediately went after one of my friends which made me hurt badly. I think I am kinda a hopeless romantic person. Not going into too much detail, I later realized I'm gay. I can only imagine myself with other men and I only have erection with them so yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, the thing I've been avoiding all my life. My father and I have drinking night once in a while and when he's drunk he would occasionally tell me how much he fuckin hates gays which is putting a lot of stress and pressure on me. Not only that, my mother frequently talks about how man is suppose to be with woman whenever she sees gays around the town. So are my sisters who are not at all supportive of anything that's related with homosexuality. So telling my family is out of the question. I love them too much and didn't want to disappoint them. My city's full of gay people but I don't think my community has come to fully accept them yet or may be that's just my family. Anyway, the thing is I got kinda lonely last year and started online dating secretly and found a real nice guy. He is handsome, patient and everything a person could ask for. We texted and decided to go on a first date and it was great, it really felt right. For a moment with him I was truly happy but deep down I still feel I'm doing something wrong. I told him I am not ready to come out to my family and he said it is okay. Anyway, he called and texted me a lot after our first date. I kinda freaked out. I know it's a totally normal thing but I can't shake off the guilt I'm feeling. I am too afraid to be seen publicly with him in case someone related to me sees me. I figured that I didn't deserve to be with someone nice like him and that he does belong to someone else better than I am that can provide him all the commitment and time so I went to his apartment to called it off. He was very angry, cried and don't understand what he was doing wrong. It was a rough break-up (if you could say that after 1 date is a break-up) The problem is, lately I feel the rush of loneliness again and I feel like I wanted to spend time with someone but I don't want to hurt other people and go down the same path. I've got it planned out that I would go abroad and live somewhere where I don't have to be so paranoid and started my life there. Being the best boyfriend I know I can be without having to worry about my family. It's about another 2 years I'm stuck in this city and I'm off but now I don't think I can wait that long. What do you guys think...? I know that coming out is the answer here but I just know my family is not ready. I do have friends who know I am gay though. Now that's out of my chest, sorry for the very long intro. Anticipating to make friends here and thank you for your time reading this stupid life of mine.
Hi there StoneWall! Welcome to EC! First of all, I myself am Asian too and it's totally fine to have it this way. I guess you have done a good job expressing what you really feel. As for my opinion, I can see that you still are starting to come to yourself. You, as you have stated, admitted that you knew you were gay a long time ago but hasn't come into terms with that situation with yourself first. As a product of the homophobia I'm seeing in your description, I guess it's really normal and common to feel guilty having gay feelings due to the fear of embarrassment. I think most Asian countries are like that , and I personally claim that as my opinion. Most of people coming from those countries really have a hard time to accept what they are mainly because, as I have stated, of the fear of being humiliated and so. What I could suggest is simple: accept what you are. Nevermind your family, your friends and the other people around you for a while and think only for yourself. If you want to be happy, then get yourself happy. Your family and friends may take some while to accept what you are if you still haven't come into terms with the conflict you have with your self. I'm not stating that you just go gay and lalala; what I'm trying to tell is be proud of what you believe you are. Be yourself, let the world talk as much as they want. What is important is what you are. Whatever happens, there are still people that will love you no matter what. And we're here for you. I hope I can help.
First and foremost, welcome to EC! I would say your English is completely fine and probably better than a lot of North Americans. Now... I'm going to continue on what Rinto has said: accept what you are and who you are. I know how you feel for I was in a similar position like you (and yes..i'm Asian as well). For if you truly want to be happy, then you will have to seek it out for yourself. No one will simply just hand it to you. So there is no need to feel guilty to have gay feelings for there is nothing wrong with you. The people that is wrong is them, for they are ignorant. Thus being selfish here I dare say is correct, for you can't forever go around and please your family or other people just because they disagree with you. Also, there is no rush to come out to your family if you don't feel safe or ready. Cheers, feel free to leave me a PM if you need someone to talk to.
Welcome to EC! Let me suggest some things for any future relationship...by giving you suggestions on how you could've handled your first "relationship" better. First off, when it comes to a relationship of any kind, communication is vitally important. Even if you think it's obvious what's going on and why you're acting like you're acting...it very often isn't. It can very easily be viewed incorrectly. So it's important to keep the other person informed. After your first date, he called and texted. That's normal. And you were starting to get confused and perhaps a bit paranoid about being seen - also normal. But again, it's best to explain that. "As you know, I'm still closeted, and I'm starting to get paranoid about being 'found out'." Together, you might have figured out some compromise. Maybe you could've chosen public activities that straight people do all the time - going to sporting events or something. It sounds like he would've been fine with not giving you any PDAs (public displays of affection - holding your hand in public, kissing, anything like that). So to the world at large (and even to your friends if you happened to run into any), you two would've just looked like two friends hanging out, not like a gay couple. Or perhaps you could've worked up to that, and only met in your homes for the time being - he might have been willing to go that route as well. The thing is - you didn't give him a chance to work something out. You let the insecurity take you over so much that you decided to break up with him immediately. You may have wrapped it in "you deserve somebody better than me" words, but it sounds like he saw straight through that. That, more than anything else, is what you need to be aware of. Keep him informed. Let him know what you're thinking, and see if you can work something out. It may be that there IS no compromise, and you DO have to break up. But investigate the options first. Don't punish yourself (and him) by throwing everything away before you check to see if it can be salvaged first. Lex
I don't have a lot to add to the really good advice you've already received. You need to try and let go of these feelings of wrongfulness that come along with you considering yourself gay. Plainly spoken, as Rinto said, you need to accept yourself. Lex is completely right. Look into things a bit. Don't consider it a total loss. There may yet be a chance for things to work. Oh and your English was very good. I would venture to say that it was better than most people whose first language is English.
Your English is excellent, by the way. I'm Asian (Chinese, to be specific), and English is technically my second language as well. I dare say many non-native people speak and write English far better than natives. Back on topic, I completely understand about not feeling "good" enough for anyone, and nursing the guilt that stems from not being what your family expected you to be. We all know that being gay is not something that can be changed, so why not make the best of your situation and make the best life possible for yourself? It's clear that trying to make your family happy by marrying a woman will only make you miserable in the long run, and that's no way for anyone to live. You deserve better, and if your family can't accept that, it's their loss.
Thanks all for the wonderful advices you're giving me. It's nice to hear some positive things from other people. Lex, you're probably right. I should've given my relationship more chance and explore my options but I kinda screwed it up myself, didn't I. Actually, I wanted everyone to know that the guilt that I'm feeling is not that I don't accept who I am. I do. Being gay is just as wonderful as being straight, we are the color of the world. I've basically told a couple of my friends last year and they were very accepting and supporting. I think, now the whole class in my college know that I'm gay. Rumors spread around. Anyway, it is this guilt that me, as a son, disappointing my whole family and we Asians respect our heritage more than anything else. While I see nothing wrong with being gay, my family doesn't get it. Also, there is the paranoia with being seen in public. It is the limited places I could go and be seen with my boyfriend. With all these limitations, I just don't want to drag someone into this whole mess. A person does deserve better than me. So I guess now I should do as I've planned, yeah? I should suck it up for just another 2 years and then I can go live my life to the fullest. Wait until my family's ready to hear this thing from me... when the time is right. Meanwhile, I'll just focus all my energy into my works.
I can empathize with not wanting to disappoint your family. I come from a big, traditional Italian family on my mom's side. Family and heritage are extremely important to us. Not wanting to disappoint them was the biggest reason I waited to come out to my parents. I didn't want to crush their dreams that they had for me. However, in time, I came to realize that I wasn't crushing their dreams, though they may initially have seen it as such. I was only altering them. So, instead of having a wife, kids, and a dog, I'll have a husband, kids, and a dog. Sure, it took them a bit of getting used to (my mother is still in some denial, I think), but they're doing pretty okay. First off, you shouldn't put yourself down like that. And second of all, like Lex said earlier, just because you're hanging out with another guy doesn't make you appear gay. I go to dinner with my roommate all the time - just because we're two guys eating out together doesn't mean we look like a gay couple. You said something in your original post similar to this, about waiting because your family's not ready to hear that you're gay. I mean no offense, but what is going to change in two years that is going to make them ready? Are you planning on dropping subtle hints along the way? Sure, in two more years, you may be more ready and willing, but unless they suddenly eschew the opinions and beliefs that they've held for a while, I can't see that they'll be that much more ready to hear it. You might just be more ready to say it. I'm not advocating coming out to them now; after reading your original post again, I can see that they're not exactly LGBT friendly. I'm just saying that I don't think you should hope that two years is going to change views held for a lifetime.
Thanks, Alex for your opinion. I see your point and I agree with you whole-heartedly. I will let things go naturally then when it comes to dating. As for about the two years thing. You see, I am still in college and I'm pretty sure that once I come out to my parents, I'd be forced to live on my own and support myself. I'm not overreacting, it will happen. I'm not ready to support myself through the expensive tuition though so I'm simply waiting till I'm out of college and ready to be on my own. Simple as that.
Well, that's completely understandable. It's important that you consider your own safety and security when coming out. So, if that's your reason for waiting, I would agree. Don't put yourself at risk.
^^ Agree - one thing to be learnt here, well for me was that chasing guys with insecurities.. its not our fault they are insecure, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it. You can only accept yourself when you are ready. And when you are ready is when you have some support. I don't know a lot about Asian cultures but I do realise the family unit is much more influential and bonded, so I can imagine how that must be. To the OP - what people are saying here is right - its time to be a bit selfish. Your business is yours. Honesty is the key, if you find a partner or someone you like, you can explain this situation. I feel that over time, you will have the confidence to take the reigns and be happy in accepting yourself.
