Hello all, first time poster who really needs some advice. I was out with my boyfriend of 4 months recently, he didn't seem entirely himself during our time together but I put this down to just general mood changes (he has felt down before in the past, one point vanishing off radar for over a week and wouldn't explain why). He was pretty quiet during a good portion of the night and eventually got his father to pick him up early (neither of us drive despite being 20 and 22, I hate cars). When his father arrived I went to give my bf a kiss goodbye like I always do but this time he panicked, backed off and said "no don't, my dad'll kill me" then hurried off home. I've seen this reaction before and it usually means that the person isn't as out as they claim and my bf never actually said he was out to his dad, only inferred it. When I confronted him about it later he claimed that he thought it made his dad uncomfortable to see him with another guy, I accepted his explaination but told him that I had thought maybe it meant that his dad didn't know about him being gay and that if that was the case not to worry because I wanted to be with him whether his dad knew or not, that it didn't bother me. When I told him this he got really mad and went quite quiet saying he didn't even know what to say and when i tried to explain what I meant he just wanted to drop it and forget about it. The next time I met him he was talking about going back to being just friends because he didn't want to lose contact with me if we split up, I managed to talk him round but then his arguments became very confused claiming he thought i was accusing his dad of something and saying he wanted a break for a week then we would fix things which I agreed to. Can any of you help with this? Why did he react like this? I don't think I've done anything wrong and none of my friends or mutual friends can see what I've done to make him so angry. Is it possible he's not out and is only using this argument to deflect attention from it? Thanks.
Welcome to EC! The basic thing that strikes me about your post is that you two simply have two different ways of dealing with stuff. You seem more the outfront, open, let's-discuss-it type (which is what I'm like most of the time). And your boyfriend seems more of the I'm-uncomfortable-talking-about-it-so-let's-just-not-do-that type. Which, truth told, is sort of like MY boyfriend. And yeah, I'd like to think my way is the superior one, if not the out-and-out "correct" one. But see, I can't force my boyfriend around to my way of thinking. His family just never talked about anything unless they absolutely had to, and even then, they often pretended those conversations never took place. And for a few years, I tried to force him into my ("superior") way of doing things. Guess what? Didn't work. He'll open up to me, but only as a last resort, when whatever's on his mind is really preying at him. Otherwise, nothing gets discussed. Basically, I had to learn to accept this. I made it clear the door was open to communication if he wanted or needed to use it, but I wasn't going to force him to share anything unless he felt the need. And most of the time, he doesn't. It kind of sounds like your guy is in the same ballpark. It sounds like there's some hidden fires there somewhere. And they might be pretty minor. Maybe his father IS a bit weirded out about seeing his son with a guy, and maybe he dropped off the radar just because he needed time to get his head back on straight. Or maybe he's not out at all, or maybe there's something else going on. But whatever it is, I don't think he's going to tell you about it. It sounds like your options are: 1. accept that this is the way he is, and give him whatever space he needs. 2. demand to know more. This may be the first (or second) step towards breaking up, though. Lex
I'm inclined to agree with Lex. Whether he's out to his dad or not, it seems pretty clear that he isn't very comfortable about being gay, at least in some circumstances. It is also possible that, at the 4 month mark, your relationship is starting to get deeper emotionally and that scares him... a lot of people, but especially guys, are afraid of emotional intimacy and the 4 month mark is about where the initial "magic" of the relationship starts to wear off and the relationship starts to move to a deeper level. Lex nailed your options. I do think you might be able to do a softer version of #2 and ask if you can have a deep conversation with him and just describe how you're feeling and rather than accusing him of anything, ask if he could share how he feels.
Thanks guys. I guess I'm just hurt and confused by his reaction, when all I was trying to do was reassure him although I guess if he's not comfortable in who he his/his dad doesn't know then it would explain why his demenour always got colder and more stand offish when his dad was around and why he never invited me to his house / blanked any requests to go : /
Well we were meant to meet today before uni to fix things but he never showed, must've not been in today, thing is that he's avoiding me online now as well : / What should I do? Just leave him or try and contact him to let him know that we'll need to talk eventually?
I'm thinking that, if he's the kind of guy that backs off when pressured, it might be best to not press the issue too much. At some point you might need to have a more direct talk, but over text and while he's anxious is definitely not the best way to do it. So what you might want to try is being entirely casual. Try to find the tone you communicated in when this stress wasn't there, and use that. No existential questions about why he wasn't there, how out he is or "where this relationship is going". Just a "Hey! Seems I missed you at uni today. Any other time fit for you later?" The message being that you don't want to force the matter, and he's fine to deal with it on his own accord. Like I said above, you might want to eventually bring it up, but not when hes in "fight or flight" mode and apparently picking "flight" Or, at least, that's speaking from a mindset that sounds similar to your (and Lex's) boyfriend. If something's bothering me, discussing it directly is generally the last thing I'll do. I'll touch upon issues sideways, and in a roundabout way, but when people ever force me to confront anything head-on, I'll generally try to flee (well, mentally, not necessarily physically) as quickly as possible. There's something about people asking me about my feelings that just makes me clench up and blocks any clear thought, and pressing further is only going to drive me into a panic. A friend once called me a "fox": when I'm comfortable, I allow people close, but as soon as I feel in any way confined, I'll panic and run back to my foxhole for protection, after which I need some time to ease myself back. So my best guess would be that your boyfriend needs the same: reassurance that he can relax and bring it up on his own accord, while being reassured that things are still OK between you.
Yeah, I told him that we could talk whenever he was ready. I'm still confused as to why he's had such an overreaction to so minor a thing though, I think that's the thing that's bugging me almost more than anything else now.
Well, keep in mind you're two different people. And as such, you'll respond differently to the same things. For instance, if you were standing near me a couple months ago, you might have seen me react violently to seeing something on the ground. And you might think I saw something absolutely horrifying. And, to me, it was. It was a grasshopper. If you're like most people, you don't react quite so violently when you see a grasshopper. But that's me - the damn things freak me out. Just wired differently than most people there. And this may be analogous to your boyfriend's reaction. There might be something deeper there, but then again, he might just really freak out about the idea of kissing his boyfriend in front of his father. Lex
He's bugging out about being gay, almost certainly. You might want to consider just letting it go. As in, let him know that it's okay with you to not talk about it. I mean, what are you really going to learn from the conversation? He obviously had some kind of irrational emotional reaction. It's not as if it's actually going to make sense. Maybe you are best off just saying something like, "Hey, so, if I've done something wrong, or if there's anything I can do to help with whatever you're dealing with, I hope you'll let me know. Otherwise, I'm just going to assume that you are dealing with something personal that you aren't ready to share. We don't have to talk about this again if you don't want to." And then follow that up with an invitation to do something together. Just totally move on from it, like it never happened. Otherwise, he might keep avoiding you in order to avoid having to deal with whatever is freaking him out. Sometimes, it's best to just forgive people without making them explain everything. Whatever's going on with him doesn't seem worth ending the relationship over, so you may as well just let it go.
Well I couldn't get in contact with him any other way so I sent him atext telling him we could talk when he's ready or if he doesn't want to then we can just move on and forget about the whole thing. He appears to be no longer avoiding me online anyways after that but I don't know if I should talk to him or not, he never initiates conversation (even the time he asked me out I had to start the conversation) and I'm not sure if talking to him woul make him feel pressured...
Well, if he never initiates it anyway, it might be best to go back to the normal routine. Talk to him like you would have before all the above happened and try to go from there. Once he sees you're not going to make a big deal of what happened, he might ease up a bit again!
Well we got things sorted, he just wants to forget about the whole thing and keep it all between us amongst our friends so I'm not going to pry. Thanks all
Im not an oracle or anything but I foresee this happening again some time in the near future. Maybe he could use a support forum like this one?
